Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 01/08/2023 15:59

I think you didn't communicate clearly and are now a bit embarrassed by not clarifying what you meant. From his POV, you offered to pay and he accepted.

Glenthebattleostrich · 01/08/2023 15:59

Sounds like a misunderstanding on his part to me. Perhaps see what happens on a 3rd date and if you see it going anywhere before you bin him.

However if he doesn't offer to pay this time then yeah, he's not a keeper.

HopityHope · 01/08/2023 16:00

I thinking if you had said that I would have assumed you wanted to pay, as you didn’t say “pay for our own”. And Men don’t want to be assumed to always pay for dates and that would actively put me off.
I think if you’re worried it’s a red flag then there are other issues and you don’t need to go on a another date

Bobbyelvis4ever · 01/08/2023 16:00

I think you said you wanted to pay the bill. Certainly that's what it sounds like. If someone said that to me I'd probably protest given the value, but he might also have been flustered. After all, you chose the venue, so would have looked at prices in advance. You also offered to pay, although you probably weren't clear that you were only offering to pay for yourself.

fireflyloo · 01/08/2023 16:00

I think you weren't very clear. You should've followed it up quickly with 'let's split it'.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 01/08/2023 16:00

YABU, I think you gave the impression you were paying.

It wouldn't be a red flag for me, just wait and see what happens next time and maybe when the bill arrives say "shall we go halves this time?".

SoupDragon · 01/08/2023 16:01

I agree with a PP. you offered to pay and he accepted.

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 16:01

So you booked it and you told him you didn’t want him paying again. I think the issue here is lack of clarity on your behalf

Ponderingwindow · 01/08/2023 16:01

From your description, it sounds like you offered to pay. I wouldn’t think he did anything wrong to accept.

WhateverMate · 01/08/2023 16:02

I would've thought exactly the same as him from what you said.

If I'd caught sight of the bill though, I'd insist it was too much for one person to pay.

canyon2000 · 01/08/2023 16:02

If you had said that to me I would have assumed that you were paying.

10HailMarys · 01/08/2023 16:02

What you said - “I don’t want you to pay again, you paid last time” - makes it sound like you were offering to pay. You should have said “Let’s split this” or something that actually communicated what you meant rather than being vague. Jeez. The bloke’s done nothing wrong.

WhateverMate · 01/08/2023 16:03

Also, did you not check out the menu before you booked?

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 16:03

Ok that’s great! Hopefully this date it is!

OP posts:
Overthebow · 01/08/2023 16:03

I would have taken that as you offering to pay the whole thing. You should be clearer next time and say shall we split it.

YourNameGoesHere · 01/08/2023 16:03

I think you're embarrassed you didn't communicate properly. Of course he thought you meant you were getting it as that's exactly what you told him.

Now he could have said no and offered to go halves but then he risked you being annoyed as you'd clearly said you were getting it.

I would definitely have a third date and wouldn't see this as a red flag. Just remember next time to communicate more clearly.

Connected1 · 01/08/2023 16:03

You said "I don't want you paying again" so in his mind that meant you were paying. And you chose the venue, so the prices weren't his fault!

SpeckledlyHen · 01/08/2023 16:03

At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again.

If this is what you said then you were not clear and he did not miscontrue anything. It sounds to me like you are saying, you got it last time so this time it's my turn. However, I think if I were the guy I would have offered half as it was obvious this was more expensive than the sandwich. Difficult to be explicitly clear unless you were there I suppose.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 01/08/2023 16:03

If you’d been together months I wouldn’t care but on date two?! YANBU. He’s shouldn’t have accepted when there was a massive difference like that. He should’ve split or paid for all the drinks if you headed somewhere after the meal. Paying £8 v £110 when you’ve met someone twice is really cheeky! Even if he misunderstood your offer, he should have known that wasn’t a fair exchange.

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 16:04

Sorry typo… hopefully a third date goes ahead! I can see I was really unclear and that isn’t fair!

OP posts:
EauNeu · 01/08/2023 16:04

it's not a red flag on it's own. is he after a third date? see what he suggests.

He might be feeling equally awkward about it. If he offers to buy dinner this time, or pay for your activity, all good. If he wants a free walk in the countryside again, maybe not.

catsnhats11 · 01/08/2023 16:04

How did he respond? Maybe "oh thanks but no this is way more expensive, lets go halves" ..would have been a nice response...

Cognitivedisonance · 01/08/2023 16:04

He’s misunderstood I think. Make sure he picks the venue and then he pays next time. Some people don’t like splitting bills, so you may find you take it in turns instead, as long as that happens each time you’ll be fine.

FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 16:04

Your title is deceptive. He didn’t get you to pay for anything, you (seemed to) offered. He’s done nothing wrong here unless you believe he should have refused to be told no and paid!

Sooze2023 · 01/08/2023 16:06

If there is a third date ....