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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 01/08/2023 16:06

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 01/08/2023 16:03

If you’d been together months I wouldn’t care but on date two?! YANBU. He’s shouldn’t have accepted when there was a massive difference like that. He should’ve split or paid for all the drinks if you headed somewhere after the meal. Paying £8 v £110 when you’ve met someone twice is really cheeky! Even if he misunderstood your offer, he should have known that wasn’t a fair exchange.

What if he’d offered to pay the 110, would that he unfair too? Would the op have been cheeky to accept?

HowNice23 · 01/08/2023 16:06

The polite thing for him to do given the discrepancy in cost would have been to say "no - it's too much, let's go halves" as opposed to just letting you pony up over a hundred pounds! So I think it is a bit of a red flag, albeit it sounds like he misunderstood you. Definitely give him another chance though.

Moveoverdarlin · 01/08/2023 16:07

Of course it’s not a red flag. It just so happened you went to a cheaper place for the first date and a more expensive place for the second. I’m sure he’s aware of this and will get it next time. You made it sound like you would pay. When you start dating, it’s more common to take it in turns, than split it. It’s 2023, women pay for meals all the time. It sounds like you’re not a pauper so what’s the big deal?

donquixotedelamancha · 01/08/2023 16:07

Sounds like he was quite willing to pay but respectful of you offering. If you like him I think you'd be nut to bin him for that.

Yonderway · 01/08/2023 16:07

If someone took the bill and said I don't want you to pay as you paid last time I would have assumed you meant you wanted to pay the full bill. So I think it was just a misunderstanding.

GiraffeLaSophie · 01/08/2023 16:08

From what you said, I would have assumed you wanted to pay for it all.

However, I also would have checked you were certain given the big price difference between the meals. Maybe he didn’t want to look ungrateful though, or maybe he thought as you’d picked somewhere quite pricey you wanted to treat him!

Choux · 01/08/2023 16:08

Did he not say anything about the difference in cost between the two dates? Offer to pay half? Say anything about a third date with him paying?

I hate looking like a scrounger so I would have done one of those. I would see what he suggests next re meeting up, cost of the activity planned etc, if he offers to pay etc. You weren't clear about wanting to split the bill.

Whatsdarkmode · 01/08/2023 16:10

Not a red flag at all . If he pays on a third date you are just alternating .

dottiedodah · 01/08/2023 16:10

I am old fashioned I know ,but £110 is a lot .I could accept going halves ,but I think hes being a CF here! If you see him again I would say something like "Your turn to pay now!" or similar

TheChosenTwo · 01/08/2023 16:11

You weren’t clear at all but in his position I would have offered half at least anyway as it was undeniably a lot more than a sandwich or if I was interested in a third date I’d have said that the next one was on me.
I think he was a bit of a cheapskate not to at least offer. I would have!

TeeBee · 01/08/2023 16:16

So did you choose the pub? So presumably knew the approximate cost of meals here. Then you said you didn't want him to pay. I don't see what he did wrong.

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 16:18

Hmm, I'd be seriously underwhelmed if some guy realised dinner was over a £100 and he didn't even offer to pay half??!

Champagneponies · 01/08/2023 16:19

I would understand that as you offering to pay. YABU

ZekeZeke · 01/08/2023 16:19

£110 for pub grub? That was expensive!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2023 16:20

Second date ... I offered to book a pub dinner ... when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again

Ok so I'll give you he should have said this is far more, let's go halves but you literally said you'd pay, having booked a place you wanted to go to. You presumes he was going to pay for it all and the offered to do it.

His crime is treating you like an equal.

TeeBee · 01/08/2023 16:21

Well, he could be sitting there thinking 'cripes she has expensive taste!'

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 16:21

and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid

^

This is when he says 'we'll go halves"'

He's a fricking chancer op, mark my words

HollyBollyBooBoo · 01/08/2023 16:22

YABU you offered! However I couldn't personally accept someone paying this amount for me without trying to insist that I pay my way so red flag for me on that one.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/08/2023 16:22

If you like him/3rd date happens:

I would expect him to pay for that one.

you‘ll pay for the next etc.

that‘s how we did it at the beginning of dating.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 01/08/2023 16:22

I hate tight men but if all else was decent I think it was an error of communication.

You booked the evening and then sounded like you offered to pay. I'd go for a 3rd date and make my mind up.

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2023 16:23

He didn't 'get you' to pay.

He thought you offered

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 16:23

I know - he doesn’t know the area but we were in Bristol and I live just outside. He said he wanted somewhere close to the station so I booked that and it was more expensive than I had thought but he had a cocktail to begin and 2 x big glasses of wine so that really pushed it up! Then two mains, he had a steak which was pricey and two puddings. Sorry it was also a bit unclear as the bill hadn’t arrived but he had asked for it as he needed to catch his train and I just said something like please don’t pay for the whole thing. I didn’t say I would pay. But I do see why it was confusing possibly. There was just such a difference I guess I felt it was weird he accepted with such ease

OP posts:
PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/08/2023 16:23

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/08/2023 16:22

If you like him/3rd date happens:

I would expect him to pay for that one.

you‘ll pay for the next etc.

that‘s how we did it at the beginning of dating.

Ps: if he suggest to go half on the next one?

bin him.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/08/2023 16:24

I'd not waste time with a man who, upon realising bill was £100+ and knowing very well that on previous date it was only £10 or so, didn't offer to pay half. I'd do that for a friend, much less a prospective partner. I can't see any appeal in cheapskates.

Qbishy · 01/08/2023 16:25

Too late for you now, but I read some OLD advice which was never to let the guy pay for the first date. Always split it. That way you don't feel beholden.