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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
CrazyArmadilloLady · 08/08/2023 21:17

It wasn’t an expensive place!

Seriously - what would you expect to play for cocktails, large glasses (plural) of wine, steak and dessert, if not at least £50….?

Epi · 10/08/2023 12:14

Well first of all I wouldn't pick that place.tell me who did she expect to pay. If she expected the guy to pay why is it okay for him and not her

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 12:21

Epi · 10/08/2023 12:14

Well first of all I wouldn't pick that place.tell me who did she expect to pay. If she expected the guy to pay why is it okay for him and not her

OP said that she meant for them to split it in her initial post - it's literally the whole point of this thread

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 12:39

Epi · 10/08/2023 12:14

Well first of all I wouldn't pick that place.tell me who did she expect to pay. If she expected the guy to pay why is it okay for him and not her

She expected to split it.

I'm filing this along with the people who think she's a gold digger just for being prepared for the possibility of him paying....because he already had once before, and she wanted to cover herself this time to prevent rinsing him.

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:01

Mothership4two · 10/08/2023 12:21

OP said that she meant for them to split it in her initial post - it's literally the whole point of this thread

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But that's not what she told him....if she says she's paying and she picked the place you would assume she knew how much it was costing before she opened her mouth....it's not his fault the wrong words came out.

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 16:11

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:01

But that's not what she told him....if she says she's paying and she picked the place you would assume she knew how much it was costing before she opened her mouth....it's not his fault the wrong words came out.

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Well that's the issue at hand. However, she's definitely not a gold digger if she intended to pay for herself, nor if she could be somehow pressured into covering it all...even if it was a genuine misunderstanding.

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:25

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 16:11

Well that's the issue at hand. However, she's definitely not a gold digger if she intended to pay for herself, nor if she could be somehow pressured into covering it all...even if it was a genuine misunderstanding.

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I didn't say she was I said he may have thought on seeing where she had booked "fuck this is bloody expensive she expected me to pay last time does she think I'made of money and she can spend it" type thought then when she offered to pay " thank god I can afford to go to work/eat..... Whatever next week"

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 17:07

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:25

I didn't say she was I said he may have thought on seeing where she had booked "fuck this is bloody expensive she expected me to pay last time does she think I'made of money and she can spend it" type thought then when she offered to pay " thank god I can afford to go to work/eat..... Whatever next week"

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Except she didn't expect him to pay the first time. He offered. And shit, you're really reaching if you think a woman is a gold digger because she wants to see you again after you offered to pay. Plus he ordered steak, cocktails and wine before they had determined who was paying, so presumably he couldn't have been too worried about money at that stage. Unless he always intended to pressure her into paying for it all and I don't think that's the case either from what OP has said.

Some people get really itchy when the matter of the bill is raised and are just determined to put the woman in the wrong. Good luck on your romantic endeavours.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 10/08/2023 18:47

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:25

I didn't say she was I said he may have thought on seeing where she had booked "fuck this is bloody expensive she expected me to pay last time does she think I'made of money and she can spend it" type thought then when she offered to pay " thank god I can afford to go to work/eat..... Whatever next week"

Show quote history

He would literally only be thinking, ‘fuck this is bloody expensive’, if his usual dining establishment is McDonald’s.

Proven by the fact that he ordered up large. Hardly the actions of some country bumpkin who’s never been to an actual restaurant., and could see the prices for himself on the menu.

The OP went on the date expecting to split the bill.

jannier · 10/08/2023 20:09

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 17:07

Except she didn't expect him to pay the first time. He offered. And shit, you're really reaching if you think a woman is a gold digger because she wants to see you again after you offered to pay. Plus he ordered steak, cocktails and wine before they had determined who was paying, so presumably he couldn't have been too worried about money at that stage. Unless he always intended to pressure her into paying for it all and I don't think that's the case either from what OP has said.

Some people get really itchy when the matter of the bill is raised and are just determined to put the woman in the wrong. Good luck on your romantic endeavours.

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Happily married for 30 years we share all our money and housework. When I was going through chemo he paid everything and did everything when he had spinal surgery I did the same. How are your romantic endeavours

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 20:12

jannier · 10/08/2023 20:09

Happily married for 30 years we share all our money and housework. When I was going through chemo he paid everything and did everything when he had spinal surgery I did the same. How are your romantic endeavours

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Just great, thank you, and I don't even have to make up rubbish about women being gold diggers on the Internet to get there.

PoseyFlump · 10/08/2023 21:32

Get a room.

DrSbaitso · 10/08/2023 22:08

PoseyFlump · 10/08/2023 21:32

Get a room.

Only if she's paying.

Mothership4two · 11/08/2023 01:05

jannier · 10/08/2023 16:01

But that's not what she told him....if she says she's paying and she picked the place you would assume she knew how much it was costing before she opened her mouth....it's not his fault the wrong words came out.

Show quote history

Oh come on! She didn't say the wrong thing she said "you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again", It's pretty clear she was saying you shouldn't foot the whole bill. She absolutely did not say that she was paying for it all. it's the sort of thing people say and my friends and I say a lot, and any decent person would not equate a sandwich with a dinner where they have splurged and wouldn't make the leap from not paying again (for the whole meal) to not paying at all. And, again, it isn't an expensive restaurant, they ordered a lot.

To do this on an early date is a bit grim.

she picked the place you would assume she knew how much

Why do you assume she didn't? She probably had a rough idea which is why she thought it fairer to split it.

who did she expect to pay.

She expected them to pay half each.

If she expected the guy to pay why is it okay for him and not her

Where does it say she expected him to pay? OP said in her first post that she did not expect him to pay for it all which is why she said what she did so that they could split it fairly

Mothership4two · 11/08/2023 01:15

@jannier

he may have thought on seeing where she had booked "fuck this is bloody expensive she expected me to pay last time does she think I'made of money and she can spend it" type thought then when she offered to pay " thank god I can afford to go to work/eat..... Whatever next week"

So why did he order steak, cocktails, large glasses of wine and pudding then? If that was his thinking he would have reined it in.

And £55-60 for all that is not an expensive restaurant.

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