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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 16:37

He probably ordered the steak, cocktail and wine assuming he was paying, not to gouge it out of the OP.

Sounds more like a misunderstanding than a red flag.

Maybe do something on the third date that doesn't involve a meal?

Newbutoldfather · 01/08/2023 16:38

You’re not tight, and nor is he.

He couldn’t really win on this one. If he done the ‘big man’ thing and insisted on paying, you could have thought him sexist and rude. If he accepted your offer, he could be seen as mean and, if you compromised on a split, you might have thought each other boring and pernickety.

Don’t fall for him or go ‘all in’, just have another few dates and see how you find him.

ilovesooty · 01/08/2023 16:40

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 16:21

and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid

^

This is when he says 'we'll go halves"'

He's a fricking chancer op, mark my words

He asked for the bill. How is he a chancer?

ntmdino · 01/08/2023 16:41

truthhurts23 · 01/08/2023 16:34

a decent man wouldnt allow someone to pay such a large bill, especially his portion, he should have at least said he will pay his part, he sounds disgusting to allow you to do that, whether you offered or not

So would a decent woman, by the same logic, which is exactly what her miscommunication sounded like...so we're back where we started.

My other half and I have a simple arrangement - whoever chooses the restaurant pays, with an agreement that we'll both choose an appropriate restaurant for our respective budgets at the time (ie no McDates from one while the other's treating us both to Michelin-starred venues every time). I happen to earn more so my choices are generally (but not always) more expensive, but then...we both know that it's not a competition and we just like eating at interesting places. There's never any resentment, and neither of us are ever put in an awkward position of having to pay more than we'd like to.

Hufflepods · 01/08/2023 16:41

So he paid for the first date, you offered to pay for the second and he accepted… and apparently that’s a red flag?

Do you think it would be a red flag if he offered and you accepted this time?

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 16:43

@Jonesjonsy

Where on earth are you going that costs £110 for a pub dinner for 2?! Shock

He may have misconstrued your words and thought you had said you would pay, but he must be a bit thick if he thinks ONE person should cover a £110 meal bill. Did he know it was this much??????! He should NEVER have expected you to pay this. I am in the minority here, as I think this is a bit of a red flag yes. (If he thought it was OK for you to pay this alone.......)

alexdgr8 · 01/08/2023 16:44

i think it was unwise to meet the first time to go for a country walk.
best to meet in a public place, of your choosing, a museum, or market, or cafe or pub.
he does sound greedy.
he spent a great deal and allowed you to pay for it.
it may be a ploy he does to get free meals.
i would ditch him.
just be vague and busy if he suggests meeting again.
i am probably a lot older than you OP, and if you were my friend or relative, i wouldn't like a man to treat you like this.
all the best.

Namechanger1002 · 01/08/2023 16:45

truthhurts23 · 01/08/2023 16:34

a decent man wouldnt allow someone to pay such a large bill, especially his portion, he should have at least said he will pay his part, he sounds disgusting to allow you to do that, whether you offered or not

A decent person wouldn't allow anyone to pay such a large bill! Especially on only a second date.

DNLove · 01/08/2023 16:46

I think it's hard for men these days. Some women take offence if a man always, some expect them to always pay despite earning same amount, some like taking turns.
I'd guess he's planning on a third date and will get you back. If not then it's not about the man always paying, it's about fairness.

alexdgr8 · 01/08/2023 16:46

the person in question was a man.
hence the above comment, addressing the OP's situation.

Choux · 01/08/2023 16:47

Has he been in touch since? Did he start off by saying ' thanks, feel bad about dashing for the train and leaving you with a large bill. My turn next time.' Or something similar?

If he let you pay and hasn't mentioned it since I am wondering if he is a chancer. Are you likely to be on similar earning levels?

Gwenhwyfar · 01/08/2023 16:47

Cognitivedisonance · 01/08/2023 16:04

He’s misunderstood I think. Make sure he picks the venue and then he pays next time. Some people don’t like splitting bills, so you may find you take it in turns instead, as long as that happens each time you’ll be fine.

Well no as they may not reach an even number of dates or the costs will be completely unbalanced as happened here.

MyMiniMetro · 01/08/2023 16:49

Your bad. I totally see why he let you pay. Saying something like 'are you okay to split this bill as it a bit more expensive than our last date and I wouldn't be comfortable with you covering the entire cost again' would have been better. It makes the assumption he might have covered the cost (minimizing damage to his pride) and acknowledges he paid the last time, you haven't forgotten. I'd be inclined to add, 'and if you're free to go to that gallery/museum on Saturday it's definitely my shout for the coffee and cake.' this acknowledges 'your turn' to pay but more in the under £20 range to keep it fair.

If you like this guy, don't let a misunderstanding over the bill ruin a good thing. Especially if the bill didn't leave you hard-up or anything. Money is obviously a sensitive issue for you, so be up-front next time. If you talk about meeting up again be open and say in good humour "as it's your turn to pick up the bill it's only fair that it's your choice."

Toddlerteaplease · 01/08/2023 16:50

You weren't clear. I'd have thought you were paying.

Toprepandhowmuch · 01/08/2023 16:50

Devouring two puddings after eating a steak would be more of a red flag for me!

Has he asked to see you again?

Newbutoldfather · 01/08/2023 16:50

@PurpleButterflyWings ,

For some people, that is a very normal bill to pay.

Depends on people, area, jobs etc etc

Hayliebells · 01/08/2023 16:50

I agree this sounds like a misunderstanding. I'd give him another shot, the fact he paid for the sandwiches suggests he isn't a CF, he just thought you were offering to pay for the dinner. If he offers to pay for the next one, that would be reasonable, if he didn't, I'd probably bin.

LivingitLarge · 01/08/2023 16:51

I think you offered to pay but I wouldn’t be keen on paying for his cocktails. What did you have to drink?

ntmdino · 01/08/2023 16:52

Gwenhwyfar · 01/08/2023 16:47

Well no as they may not reach an even number of dates or the costs will be completely unbalanced as happened here.

Show quote history

Or maybe he's somebody who doesn't see dating/relationships as transactional, and so taking it in turns is perfectly fair? Or maybe he got the impression that's how OP feels about it? That approach is more common than you might think.

It's a simple misunderstanding. OP didn't say, "I don't want you paying the whole bill this time", and neither of them questioned it until this thread.

RoyalImpatience · 01/08/2023 16:52

If you said that to me I would be assuming you are paying.

MRex · 01/08/2023 16:53

I would have assumed you were paying from that. See how the next few dates go. Good luck.

3dogsandarabbit · 01/08/2023 16:55

He might not want to go on a third date with you OP. Look at it from his point of view, he could have thought you were showing off that you can afford to spend £110 on a pub lunch!

RoyalImpatience · 01/08/2023 16:56

It's hard when you meet someone who tyring to suss out their wealth. Give him another chance.
Technically he should pay.

SadieOlsen · 01/08/2023 16:57

You said to him, a man whom you hardly know at all " I don’t want you paying again". Rather odd. He took you at your word. He did not pay. YABU

Thehonestbadger · 01/08/2023 16:58

I think this was you being unclear
he may have felt just as awkward as you tbh
men are very aware that women often want and insist on equality I don’t think on a second date you’d want to be arguing with a woman like ‘no I must pay for myself/you’

Equally if it’s put you off it’s put you off and I wonder if you’ll truly come back from a blip this early in the game. I had a guy once where the third date went horribly wrong and whilst it was not his fault at all it really just put me off so I moved on.