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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 17:12

First date I chose the cafe as he said he wasn’t sure where to go, so I looked up a walk and it had a cafe on the route. So it’s not like he chose a cheap option and me expensive. Also it wasn’t an expensive place just a pub but I think the drinks and one main were more pricey and it came out more overall than it might have done usually.

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 01/08/2023 17:12

@Jonesjonsy ,

Not saying thank you is the biggest potential red flag here(IMO)! Maybe I am getting old, but surely basic manners haven’t gone out of fashion?!

It’s a strange one. Maybe he is just gauche, or he was nervous ?

If you like him, see if he picks up the whole (expensive) bill next date , and be sure to order cocktails, wine and pudding.

blueshoes · 01/08/2023 17:12

You should have checked the prices for the pub beforehand to get a rough idea and he should not have assumed you would assume the full payment of the 110.

Next time, don't be shy to ask him to go halves. He is a CF and took advantage of the ambiguity and your sense of embarassment.

Bin him and chalk this down to experience.

Pinkitydrinkity · 01/08/2023 17:13

If you had chosen the restaurant and then said something about him not paying, I can see how he thought you were offering to pay the whole thing tbh.

It wouldn’t be a red flag for me but everyone is different when it comes to dating/paying.

Maybe in time it will become a funny story!

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:15

OP - you sound very sweet.

I understand that you were not entirely clear but this guy is an oppotunist for sure.

You were clear in your way - you did NOT say 'Let me pay".

He presumed.

He did not push back AT ALL.

He did not even say thank you.

IF you go on a thrid date be clear iun your mind - it is not you, it is more than likely him and observe. No matter how much you fancy him.

My mother used to say "handsome is and handsome does".

neverenoughchelseaboots · 01/08/2023 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

ScribblingPixie · 01/08/2023 17:16

Being charitable, the fact that he didn't say thank you may suggest he was uncomfortable with the situation and was a bit flustered.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 01/08/2023 17:16

OP let him sort date 3 . If he is a genuine guy he will spoil you rotten after what you treated him to. Then you will know.If he is cheap drop him!!

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:17

DNLove · 01/08/2023 16:46

I think it's hard for men these days. Some women take offence if a man always, some expect them to always pay despite earning same amount, some like taking turns.
I'd guess he's planning on a third date and will get you back. If not then it's not about the man always paying, it's about fairness.

Da poor menz. 🙄 Aww, bwess!!!! Hmm

Stuffing his fat chops with steak and chips and copious amounts of wine, cocktails, TWO puddings, and TWO mains!!! He KNEW this would all cost more than eight fucking quid!

He happily let the OP pay - despite drinking enough wine and cocktails and eating enough food to feed a small African country for a week. Greedy bloater KNEW this would be costing loads, and that's why he willingly let the OP pay.

Red light all right! Very offputting! Wouldn't get a third date with me!

waterrat · 01/08/2023 17:18

Not sure why everyone is siding with this guy - he had lots to drink and let you pay a bill of over £100 when he barely knows you - not cool!

and as you said - what you said was 'don't get it all'.

I think your inner spidey senses know he was taking the piss but you can't quite verbalise it yet

waterrat · 01/08/2023 17:18

What I see here is a woman being told to ignore her gut feeling - never, ever do this OP.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:19

neverenoughchelseaboots · 01/08/2023 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

No way.

I had this argument on loop with my older brother when younger.

He would say what you are saying.

My counter with him was always - if you pay your female staff exactly what you pay your male staff this argument lands.

Until that time I smell bs. 😁

He never did.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:19

ScribblingPixie · 01/08/2023 17:16

Being charitable, the fact that he didn't say thank you may suggest he was uncomfortable with the situation and was a bit flustered.

Is that charity or fancy?

Mary46 · 01/08/2023 17:19

Just be more assertive next time. My friend can be tight with the purse lol. Or keep it to cafes or walks something like that

Mellowautumnmists · 01/08/2023 17:20

He has texted to say he had a nice time. Did he say anything about date 3?

Have you asked about date 3?

Catlord · 01/08/2023 17:20

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on another date if you got on otherwise.

If I'm honest you weren't clear and it all sounds a bit rushed at the end with the waitress hovering and his train to catch which probably compounded the misunderstanding.

He maybe didn't have time to think it through and insist on splitting it and just thought 'oh ok she's offered, I'll get the next one'.

If he's ungenerous next time then write it up to experience.

I didn't read all the replies but 110 for a dinner at a nice pub with drinks and puddings isn't out of the way.

GiraffeLaSophie · 01/08/2023 17:20

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:17

Da poor menz. 🙄 Aww, bwess!!!! Hmm

Stuffing his fat chops with steak and chips and copious amounts of wine, cocktails, TWO puddings, and TWO mains!!! He KNEW this would all cost more than eight fucking quid!

He happily let the OP pay - despite drinking enough wine and cocktails and eating enough food to feed a small African country for a week. Greedy bloater KNEW this would be costing loads, and that's why he willingly let the OP pay.

Red light all right! Very offputting! Wouldn't get a third date with me!

Show quote history

Of course he didn’t have two puddings and two mains. Who on earth would order two main courses in a restaurant?

And If he had, don’t you think the OP might have mentioned that in her opening post when asking whether or not he was unreasonable to expect her to pay?

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:20

Oh I understood it as HIM having 2 puddings too. My comments still stand though.

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:21

The way the OP worded it was he had 2 mains and 2 puddings. Maybe some people DO. I can see it was one of each now.

My comment still stands.

PetitPorpoise · 01/08/2023 17:23

Definitely confusing and awkward potentially. He might be mortified himself, perhaps dithered in the moment about how to play it, a bit thrown by your comment and then left it too long. We're all smooth as anything in hindsight.

Third date is the decider.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:23

Catlord · 01/08/2023 17:20

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on another date if you got on otherwise.

If I'm honest you weren't clear and it all sounds a bit rushed at the end with the waitress hovering and his train to catch which probably compounded the misunderstanding.

He maybe didn't have time to think it through and insist on splitting it and just thought 'oh ok she's offered, I'll get the next one'.

If he's ungenerous next time then write it up to experience.

I didn't read all the replies but 110 for a dinner at a nice pub with drinks and puddings isn't out of the way.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on another date if you got on otherwise.

If I'm honest you weren't clear and it all sounds a bit rushed at the end with the waitress hovering and his train to catch which probably compounded the misunderstanding.

He maybe didn't have time to think it through and insist on splitting it and just thought 'oh ok she's offered, I'll get the next one'.

FFS.

Since then he has had ample time to unbloodyfluster, write a thoughtful note expressing his thanks for such a generous meal and staying that he would love to do it again on him.

LesLavandes · 01/08/2023 17:24

Next time you go out, just say that it's fair you split the bill 50/50

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:24

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:21

The way the OP worded it was he had 2 mains and 2 puddings. Maybe some people DO. I can see it was one of each now.

My comment still stands.

Your comment is one I agree with in spite of the counting error! 😁

jannier · 01/08/2023 17:24

You booked you offered to pay guessing he assumed you knew the cost as you booked it
Next time day let's split the bill

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/08/2023 17:24

I think he has behaved very very badly. He knew how much he was eating and drinking, and as he looked at the menu, he would've known how much it cost. He didn't even say thank you! There's no way he should've accepted you paying all that money on a second date. I would wait to see what happens, but I wouldn't see him again.

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