Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

I think OP means two puddings as in they both had pudding....not he had two for himself. Unclear communication again!

We each had a pudding he didn’t have two! I was just trying to explain why it came to 110. It was somethings pushing the price up otherwise it was just a pub meal I think not that expensive

tbh I think you're the red flag here, expecting people to read your mind and not saying what you mean and then getting upset when you don't get the result you expected (but failed to communicate).

You said you didn't want him paying, and he accepted that...what did he do wrong? He might well be intending to pay for the next £100+ dinner.

It's also a bit weird to brag about starting your own business and making a point of 'not being flashy' but then think £110 is a lot of money...which is it? I don't think £110 is a particularly large bill for dinner and drinks at a nice place. You picked the place!

You should have just clearly said "Let's go halves".

You quite clearly offered to pay, even if that wasn’t what you meant. I hope he was suitably grateful.

You choose the pub and he would assume you knew the prices, you offered to pay and he might have thought it rude to argue with you....practise saying "lets go dutch" outloud so you say this next time rather than "I will pay" and be annoyed at paying!

I’m sorry I’m not trying to be confusing on purpose. It’s so hard writing things in a clear way and I’m not the sharpest tool I’m the first to admit!

Like others, I'd assume it was lack of clarity. However the items he ordered - 3 alcoholic drinks and steak - would be particularly pricey and his share of the bill might have been over 50% so I'd have expected him to offer a contribution.

If you like him and a 3rd date is in the offing, I'd probably give him the benefit of the doubt. If you eat together again, be clear about paying up front.

See how many people think you're saying he had two puddings, OP? You need to up your communication skills LO|L.

What's his financial situation? Does he have a good job? It could be that he doesn't see it as a particularly large bill and didn't think too much about you picking it up. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if this is the only concern.
What are you doing next time?

I'd bin him tbh. He wouldn't be for me at all.

I'm old fashioned and would think he should take me out and pay. He 100% should not be allowing you to pay 110 quid when he spent a tenner last time. What a joker.

Not that it really matters in the scheme of things, but did he have 2 glasses of wine? Or was the wine like the desserts and you had one each?

I would find a message like this extremely crass and gauche. I was brought up not to talk about money in social situations. You pay or you don't pay, but whatever you decide to do, you suck it up. Mentioning it after the fact is awkward and rude.

OP offered to pay, probably even insisted on it, so why would he do anything other than accept? It's acceptable to say one "are you sure?" but after that, you thank them and make a mental note to get the next one.

yes I can see I’m not clear and I will work on that. that’s why I posted on here as I can see the other sides viewpoints and don’t make unfair judgements

@Jonesjonsy,

I think you explained clearly enough (although did think he ate two puddings).

What did he actually say when he offered to pay? I would have said something like ‘are you sure, it’s a lot. Would you prefer to go halves’ and then have been effusively grateful had you insisted on paying all.

I think that his manner and behaviour would at least have given you some clues.

Yes he text to say he had a nice time. So we will see what is next

I think it's terrible that he so quickly accepted this on your second date. I'd see this as a red flag. He should have insisted he pay his way, especially if he'd chosen such expensive food and alcohol. 🤨

You have been played.

There is no way any decent person would have let that pass.

He didn’t say anything about it when it happened. And he didn’t say thank you but did say he had a nice time

You’d be concerned he had a drinking problem because he had 3 drinks with a meal in a restaurant?

The alcohol ‘package’ that is fairly common for weddings is half a bottle of wine with the meal and a glass of something to toast during the speeches. That’s only one cocktail less than he had, so I don’t think the OP needs to worry just yet…

I assume the OP meant there were two puddings on the bill, too. Not that he had two puddings.

Omg he should not have accepted you paying a £110 bill after he bought sandwiches! Wtf are other posters on, I'd have insisted on a split and then never seen him again.

Well he chose a cafe where it was £8/sandwich and you chose somewhere far more expensive. I don't think it's fair to do that & assume he will pay that much. It was I think however a misunderstanding on his part & doesn't indicate that he is stingy. I think if you're both working it's a bit outdated to assume a man will pay.

not at all, you should have spoken up to clarify your intentions

I think you did essentially offer to pay for this 'round' OP, and weren't clear.

However I would be so turned off by a date or actually just anyone (but especially a stranger that I barely knew) not putting up any fight at all to split the bill the second I implied I'd pay for it, knowing I'd bought a flippin sandwich for a few quid when it was my go.

Not saying not to give him a go if you feel you want to or go on another date to see how it pans out but I would think that reflected a bit poorly and would be put off.

Re: texting to say he had a 'nice' time when someone dropped the works on him as a free meal - I'm sure he did! It's not 'tight' to feel a bit uncomfortable about spending more than £100 pounds on a meal for someone you barely know who didn't exactly try to contribute.

I voted YABU, because you said the wrong thing and now don’t like the outcome.

Hopefully there’s a 3rd date and you can split it or he insists that he pays.

Then go dutch.