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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
Dovetail40 · 01/08/2023 16:25

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

You offered he accepted.
Not end of the world. U sound tight.

viques · 01/08/2023 16:26

If he offers to pay on date three, then get in fast with “ I think it’s fairer if we split bills” . Otherwise you will be honour bound to pay for the next one, then it’s his turn, then your turn………..

ntmdino · 01/08/2023 16:26

This is absolutely the most British thing I've heard in a while.

"It'll be too embarrassing to correct it now, I guess I'll just have to be poor this week"

Sorry, OP, I know that's not strictly what happened, but...it's the sort of thing you'll probably laugh about in time to come :)

If nothing else, it's an early-relationship lesson on the value of communication for both of you. I guarantee that he'll be worrying about how he can fix this without it turning into an arms race of who can buy the most expensive lunch...

BeverleyMacker · 01/08/2023 16:26

You made it sound like you'd pay the whole thing but he should have noticed it was too much and at least offered to go halves or something.

WisherWood · 01/08/2023 16:28

at the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it)

It's not a misconstruction though, is it? You booked the meal, you didn't want him to pay. He didn't get you to pay for an expensive dinner. You offered. I don't usually favour swapping the roles around but in this case I think you can reverse them. And if this were the other way around, knowing the way these threads go, half of MN would be saying what a lovely chivalrous gentleman he was.

If you like him, try a third date. If he doesn't offer to pay or go halves, then you've got a problem. Otherwise no. This is what equality looks like.

Crunchymum · 01/08/2023 16:29

Two puddings?

Greedy fucker

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 16:29

I promise I am not tight; I know I am very privileged but honestly do have to budget even with a monthly income £2k this can vary as it is my own business and I just have to be careful with treats. I can totally afford this though, I guess i do worry about affording day to day living but didnt mean to be unkind about this guy!

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 01/08/2023 16:30

So he had three alcoholic drinks, a steak dinner and two deserts! There’s no way that was going to be below £50 as an estimate. He must have known it was going to be pricey?

I think it’s cheeky to accept you paying that when he knows he just paid for an £8 sandwich the date before.

FWIW I always pay for myself especially on first dates to avoid this awkwardness.

Workawayxx · 01/08/2023 16:31

Hmmm... If everything else is great, I think I'd reluctantly give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and see what he does on date 3. Not ideal though that he drank such expensive drinks and accepted the offer with such ease. If you continue to do meals out and alternate paying then that's fine.

Although I always found a man expecting you to travel to him/accommodate his location needs on dates (with this guy you were near his house first date, near the station convenient for his work second date) doesn't bode well either. Several men wanted to meet me on their way home from work or on their way to something else so involving zero miles out of their way for them and a longer drive for me than it would have been if meeting halfway between our houses. The men who were decent were thinking about my needs in terms of first date location (and I was considering their needs also).

ScribblingPixie · 01/08/2023 16:31

I think It's a pink flag. Even with the misunderstanding I would have expected him to say, oh no, at least let's split it. But I guess you're getting to know each other and he may have thought that amount of money wasn't a big deal to you (gulp).

RantyAnty · 01/08/2023 16:31

I hope I'm reading it wrong but he had a cocktail and 2 large glasses of wine and 2 puddings???

I'd be concerned he had a drinking problem and greedy

Saoirse82 · 01/08/2023 16:31

Well I think he should have still offered to split, thats a huge bill compared to £16 that he paid last time. There's no way I wouldn't have offered. I'd call it a pink flag.

Dovetail40 · 01/08/2023 16:32

It was a misunderstanding then.
But to jump to is it a red flag seems OTT.
Chose a cheaper place bext time that you can both enjoy without thinking of the.cost.

WalnutBlue · 01/08/2023 16:32

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 16:23

I know - he doesn’t know the area but we were in Bristol and I live just outside. He said he wanted somewhere close to the station so I booked that and it was more expensive than I had thought but he had a cocktail to begin and 2 x big glasses of wine so that really pushed it up! Then two mains, he had a steak which was pricey and two puddings. Sorry it was also a bit unclear as the bill hadn’t arrived but he had asked for it as he needed to catch his train and I just said something like please don’t pay for the whole thing. I didn’t say I would pay. But I do see why it was confusing possibly. There was just such a difference I guess I felt it was weird he accepted with such ease

"I said you paid last time so I don't want you paying again"

"Please don't pay for the whole thing"

Which one is it lol??

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 01/08/2023 16:32

He didn't "get you to pay" for anything. You chose the place and then offered to pay.

I'd not put a black mark on him for this. Give him another shot, hell likely reciprocate and you can then tell him you'd rather split the bill from now on.

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2023 16:33

You literally said I'm paying when you said you didn't want him paying again.

truthhurts23 · 01/08/2023 16:34

a decent man wouldnt allow someone to pay such a large bill, especially his portion, he should have at least said he will pay his part, he sounds disgusting to allow you to do that, whether you offered or not

Workawayxx · 01/08/2023 16:35

I was assuming the 2 desserts were one for OP and one for date and OP was just explaining that they both had dessert which pushed the price up as PP were asking why it was so expensive. If he ate 2 desserts after steak, he's definitely BU!

tolerable · 01/08/2023 16:35

your title was misleading.you offered to pay.sure you missed a vital part of info-pay half...he didnt "get you to pay" .

ActDottie · 01/08/2023 16:35

Sorry but your communication was just poor I’d probably have thought you meant the whole bill too…

truthhurts23 · 01/08/2023 16:35

Hankunamatata · 01/08/2023 16:33

You literally said I'm paying when you said you didn't want him paying again.

he paid £8, SHES PAYING 110, he knows that is unfair and was dishonest to allow her to pay for him when the bill was more than 10x larger

Mary46 · 01/08/2023 16:36

Going forward split it. He was a bit cheeky op I think.

category12 · 01/08/2023 16:36

I think he would be taking the piss to let you pay for his cocktail, steak and two puddings, but it seems like you're drip-feeding to turn the tide.

FKATondelayo · 01/08/2023 16:36

I don't think I would let someone pay a £110 meal as a quid pro quo for an £8 sandwich. The fact he let you, despite you not communicating very well, is a bit of a worry.

truthhurts23 · 01/08/2023 16:36

ActDottie · 01/08/2023 16:35

Sorry but your communication was just poor I’d probably have thought you meant the whole bill too…

but would you accept for someone to pay your portion of a large bill ?