Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

I think they might be suggesting that OP was expecting that he would he would object to her paying but he didn’t.

Good Lord. So now women are at fault for merely thinking a man might offer to pay after he already has before. Is there anything that's not our fault?

It doesn't matter what she thought he might do. Nobody who fully intends to cover themselves can be a gold digger. A gold digger wouldn't have covered the whole bill just because the moment was awkward either.

Excuse me, but where did I say anyone was at fault? I didn’t and I certainly don’t think that.

I wonder if OP is right now experiencing an amazing 3rd date while the rest of us waste our evening bickering on points of etiquette on MN.

Anyone who thinks a woman is a gold digger merely for thinking a man might offer to pay, even though she fully intends to pay for herself even if he does, is determined to put her in the wrong no matter what she does. You must see what insanity that is.

There are a lot of those people.

I hope she orders caviar!

@willWillSmithsmith

Why did OP choose such an expensive place at all? Saying you didn’t know it was expensive is a poor excuse. People check menu prices before going somewhere unknown, they don’t just plonk themselves down and find they’ve chosen a very expensive place. Why didn’t OP discuss the fact she’d inadvertently chosen an expensive place before they ordered and discussed bill splitting before ordering? I know I would have I wouldn’t have just had a silent discussion in my head about it, I’d say Oops I’ve accidentally chosen an expensive place, shall we leave or just pay for ourselves etc.

£110 for cocktails, large glasses of wine, steak and two courses is not an expensive restaurant. Reasonable for all that. Maybe they should have gone for a McD's?

Thankfully I can pay my own way and not a kept women.

Calling the op a gold digger is definitely a massive over reach.

Shes just doesnt appear to use her words to say what she means

title of the post ,(clearly a misleading dog whistle)

And her telling her date she would pay as he paid last time . And actually meant she wanted to pay half .

say what you mean, and mean what you say!!!

It's ironic that the term is so often applied to women who are actually doing all they can to prove they're not after a man's wealth. The Tinder Swindler's victims were heavily criticised for being gold diggers even though they went broke forking out for the guy. Somehow the mere belief or fact that a man is wealthy puts any woman he dates in the wrong, even when she's paying.

Oddly, there's no equivalent slur for a man who willingly uses his money to get company and sex.

Men tend to be the golddiggers. They steal women's resources of time and money.
Cocklodger is a decent word for them.

That's not the same thing, though. That's a term for a man who lives with a woman and contributes nothing. And when the "flip the sexes" brigade of bores start yammering, they can be told there is a female equivalent: fannylodger. Although it isn't used as much, which shouldn't surprise anyone on a website with a user base that's mostly straight and female.

Never heard either term outside of this site, anyway. I don't think they're in common use.

From what I’ve seen Male gold diggers are the worst because women receive nothing in return but the bare minimum . All the stories I read on here confirms that for me.
Women who are after a man’s money usually provide more in return from what I can see.

Men who are overly concerned a woman is going to be a “golddigger” are often very tight and in some cases turn out to be cocklodgers.

I was talking to a guy on OLD once and after a day of chatting, i asked what he did for a living. He became very evasive and refused to tell me what exactly he did beyond “business man” despite him asking and me sharing exactly what I did.

He said something about he “knew what my questions were really hinting at ” , so I immediately unmatched with him because I suspect he wasn't financially stable or in gainful employment and would turn out to be a cocklodger.

What's that saying? "Stop complaining about gold diggers, you ain't got shit!"

Funny it's the broke ones who complain the most about goldiggers.

Good point. Women get nothing but a few crumbs of attention when he feels like it. They end up paying his way, cleaning his house and cooking for him, providing child care for any children he has, paying for expensive holidays and hobbies.

Exactly. The men I’ve encountered who moan their wife was a golddigger in reality had a woman at home who took care of it and any children very well.

And yes always the ones who don’t have much gold to dig worrying about gold diggers.

Or calling women superficial for caring about financial stability…but it’s alright for them to care about how a woman looks. That’s not superficial of course 🙄

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-12368291/My-date-left-foot-bill-second-meeting-never-want-again.html

Oh dear @midnightrecovery I thought this thread was prime DM fodder.
I hope the couple involved don't see it themselves.
I doubt we need to start buying our hats.

Yeah that was my first thought too. Hope it wasn’t fabricated by a ’journalist’..would not surprise me.

My ex was like this. My (not irrational) need for financial stability/security was gold digging in his books. He wasn’t anywhere near a millionaire (although well paid) so why he thought he was gold digger material god knows. In the words of Heather Mills about (almost billionnaire) Paul McCartney “ If I was a gold digger I’d have gone for someone richer”.

Has a third date happened yet op?

So, the guy offers to pay, and you say I will pay and he took your word for it. He’s such a jerk, he should be able to look into your eyes and telepathically interpret that you meant to split the bill not pay for it.

If there is a Big Red Flag, it would be you; as you will keep failing the guy on your small tests of things, he should magically know about you. How about next time you say, lets split the bill. Then no one has to guess what you meant.

What is with the double standards. If a guy booked an expensive place he would be told he has to pay for it as he knew the prices while booking.

If you didn't want it to be so expensive why book an expensive place