Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

[Lupin61]

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

He's got another woman but he's not sure how committed she is to him.

I wouldn't let him treat you like this. Throw him out.

I would split up if my DP was behaving like this, I think he either wants to date other people or already has someone

I would take the decision into my own hands and tell him to leave yes. Once he's said it it doesn't go away and it's not your responsibility to wait around while he decides if he likes being with you or not,

I'd pack his bags for him and not wait for him to make that decision.
Vile behaviour.

And I suspect he has had his head turned.

He's going to keep messing you around as long as you allow him to.

For gods sake stop begging, you're humiliating yourself, and worse, giving him the green light to carry on with the bullshit.

Tell him to leave.

Yeah I’d be making his mind up for him.

You decide for yourself.
Can you ever forget he has said this?

If you wish for it to be over - do it quickly and get on without him.

Why are you hanging around waiting for him to choose?

chuck him out

This and I’d tell him that he can’t treat me like this

He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.

Abusive arsehole. He’s hiding something, I’d bet my last pound coin on it. He’s trying to get you to ‘hate’ him so whenever whatever it is comes out then you’re already feeling negative towards him.

Honestly I’d sit him down and ask him if there’s anything he wants to tell you about. Don’t elaborate or suggest you ‘know something’, just ask for him to show you one once of respect and be truthful. He will very likely not admit to anything, become defensive, start pointing the finger back at you but at least you gave him the opportunity. Then separate because he really has no right to treat you like this.

This will never go back.
Tbh it cannot be easy wnding something like this and it's normal foe people o go between yes or no when the reason os general unhappiness rather than infidelity etc. Lots of people think that simply not being happy is not enough reason to end married. It is

I missed the suicide threat🙄
No no and no.

It's done

So he wants to leave, is adamant it's over, until you turn around and say okay then, and then he changes his mind.
He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want you to not want him. He wants you begging and devastated and unable to live without him.
He wants to be the one in control and calling all the shots. Don't let him.
Remain strong and dignified. And come and join us in the divorce/separation forum. There's a long thread you are more than welcome to join to rant and cry etc.

He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.

This is emotionally abusive.

Surely you cannot carry on like this. He has told you he wants out of your marriage, once you've dropped that bombshell on someone you can't just take it back, not without consequences. How can he expect you to go about your day to day life, let alone enjoy life, always wondering if he's going to change his mind again at any given moment? Personally I wouldn't be hanging around long enough to find out if he's serious or not.

Sounds similar to my exH behaviour at the end of our marriage. After a week I told him to get out as he was then trying to dictate the terms of our marriage to suit him. I wish I told him sooner. Turns out there was someone else. You are better off without!

Yup

^ This

Humiliating.

I think something has happened too, another woman, possibility of another woman, a breakdown of some kind, he feels life should be better - doesn’t matter, save yourself.

It’s as if he wants what he can’t have - so when I’m agreeing to split up he then wants me. But if I try to make him reconsider he doesn’t want me and wants his freedom

This is the LTB moment. He’s acting like an abusive arsehole. Bin him.

One of the cohorts on married people dating sites are me around his age feeling like that. The spark is gone! I need some additional fun to feel alive again! I really find these the most pathetic men of all the groups of men who cheat.

He’s in that camp. He wants something different yet is also afraid of losing his stable base. What if he doesn’t get what he wants AND loses his home life! What a dilemma!

Weirdly, instead of keeping this as an internal dialogue he’s actually telling you and fucking with your head. That’s unforgivable. He’s shown you his selfish fuckery, his complete disregard for you, in keeping you hanging on whilst he decides. You can’t unknow that about him.

He wants you to tell him to go so he can be the "victim" and blame you for the split when people find out you've separated.
if it's "your fault" in his head he can move on --probably to the other woman he's already got and has told "my wife doesn't understand me" ...

He’s an abusive asshole who wants you to end the relationship so he can be guilt and blame free.

What a coward.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if his head had been turned by someone else.

It sounds like you both need some space. He should leave immediately while you decide if you actually want this type of emotional blackmail in your life.

I’m sorry that you are being treated this way.

Ive been that person partner didn’t know what he wanted, distant one minute, upset the next.

For me I had to just end it, it was so difficult to uncouple everything- house going up for sale etc And it was all left for me to sort. Anything going wrong was then my fault for deciding to end it. But in the long term as hard and painful as it was I was so much happier (eventually)

Yep, eventually it came out he had his head turned. But she only seemed to like men in relationships as soon as he was ‘available’ she went onto the next mug and he came crying back to me - though door was firmly closed! When I met someone I was then the bad person.

He just wanted everyone to think he was the good person, so that no one would judge him on the cheating.