Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

[Lupin61]

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

Whether he has had his head turned or he has just decided he has got bored or he has done something wrong and is now trying to get in there and end it before the big reveal is happening - none of this matters. The 'why' doesn't matter.

What matters is that he has rejected you. He has told you he wants to reject you. He has put rejection into your marriage. You are an autonomous adult who gets to decide if you accept his behaviour or not. I wouldn't accept someone rejecting me - basically because I know myself and I know that once you've sat on my ego to the point of rejection I am very difficult to be in a relationship with. I would no longer trust or enjoy the relationship. I would analyse responses, feel paranoid and suspicious and constantly question the other persons commitment and motivations. So this first rejection damages the relationship and I'd add to the damage and then there would just be zero point flogging a dead horse. Don't end your marriage by the death by a thousand cuts route OP. It's a waste of time and energy. Just focus on yourself and getting over it, healing and figuring out a new life.

Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

I'd be taking the decision out of his hands - you deserve better @Lupin61

I don’t think it really matters what he says now. Hurtful words cannot be unspoken and I suspect that even if you choose to remain in the marriage, your feelings may start to wither as a result.

He sounds very selfish and I would choose to end regardless of his wants.

Make the decision for him instead of letting him go back and forwards with you. How are those the actions of a loving partner youd just be waiting for him to change his mind again when he felt like it. It would be a line drawn for me. He’s disrespectful and cruel and no way would I hang about waiting for him to decide to be with me again. Be firm and tell him to make arrangements to live elsewhere or you will then you can sell your home or whatever. Horrible for you op but time to take back control of your life and live for you, hope you are very happy in the future and things work out well for you

Walk.

you deserve better.

As soon as someone I had committed to looked me in the eye and said 'I don't want to be with you anymore' and meant it that would be the end for me. There's no coming back from that.

Good job no children. If he can't commit to you I'd boot him out the door. Total disrespect for your feelings and attempting to guilt trip you with stupid suicide threats would make the decision for me. It's easier to split with no children. I'm sure you can find someone who will adore you.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers.

Take back control and tell him to get lost. He doesn’t get to make a pronouncement like that and then yo-yo about because he’s too pathetic to own his decisions.

Stop begging him. Know your own worth and walk away from this pathetic specimen.

There's another woman, or other women, without a doubt.

Ask yourself - would you ever treat him like this? If not then why is it ok to do it?

It sounds like he is trying to keep you on the hook until his next option becomes clear. Either that or he is game playing to keep you unsettled so you will tolerate bad behaviour just to keep him.

Take control. What do you want? What are your limits? Decide if you are prepared for your life to be like this or if you want more (you deserve more)? If this is not what you want then start putting in place steps to create what you want. In the meantime don’t engage in his drama, just give neutral responses like OK to his comments. Focus on your feelings not his.

He’s being emotionally abusive. Make the decision for him and get rid of him.
He sounds awful. Find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Id say "I was really shocked and upset you wanted to split, but I'm coming round to the idea now and my feelings for you are dying because of you wanting to end the marriage. Its not fair of you to keep chopping and changing. We need to split now"

You don't treat some you claim to love this cruelly. His heart has moved on, now his head is trying to catch up with it.

What a shitty thing to do to you. Protect yourself first and foremost here

Yeah, he wants to fuck someone else or he already has but he also wants to keep his domestic appliance (you).

I would pack some things and just leave, personally. Then sort out the practicalities. This behaviour is manipulative and cruel, and he deserves no long discussion or explanation from you.

I’m sorry you’re being treated like this.

There is absolutely another woman, op. Tell this fuckwit to GTFO. He can stay at his girlfriend's place. Don't ever do the pick me dance. No man is worth losing your dignity for.

He has someone else and doesn't know if they're going to survive the leap from affair to proper relationship

But take all of that aside. Why would you want to be with someone who could inflict so much pain on you? He's turned you into a nervous wreck.

He's acting like you don't have a choice. You do. I'd definitely be throwing him out

Because even IF you survive this how can you ever trust he wouldn't do it again.

Go grey rock. No emotion. Just facts. How best to move forward with the divorce.

He needs you to end it so that he can be the victim in his own head. I'd seemingly ignore the situation but quietly be sorting finance and legals. End it when you are prepared.

You appearing to not mind splitting up will be very difficult for him to deal with as you have seen. His ego wants you to play the pick me dance. Don't pander to his ego.

Leg it!
My ex strung me along like this for months.. when I eventually precipitated the situation and we finished for good he had the cheek to say "I thought you would have fought harder for our relationship" FUCKKKOFFFFFF
He had someone else on the side too, I later found out.

Please cut your losses and give yourself the chance to be with someone who's certain they want to be with you.

He'll want you alright, when he can't have you. Fuck that.

I think he's already had his head turned OR he's got a single friend who he sees as out having fun and wants some of that. Regardless, the reality of it to the idea he has in his head is worlds apart.

Honestly OP, if he wants the singe life let him crack on. If he keeps pissing about changing his mind make the decision for him. Tell him YOU want to separate and he needs to move out. Take control, don't let him being the one making decisions about your future.

I think he wants to end the relationship but he is scared. I kept doing this before I left my husband, but I didn’t vocalise it as it wouldn’t have been fair on him. That’s the push / pull he’s doing. It isn’t fair on you at all. I would take control and end it.

tell him if he's bored get a hobby.. bin him,

File for divorce and watch his face when the papers arrive for him. How dare he think he's the only one who can decide whether you two stay together?

And your reply should be
Oh? that's a shame because I no longer love you and I'm quite sure I no longer want to try to make it work.. bye