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Original poster

Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

245 replies

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 09:34

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2023 10:03

Probably having an affair but hasn’t got the balls to end his marriage.
This way you will (should) get so fed up you will eventually tell him to go and he can skip away happily with a clear conscience and tell people you dumped him
Arsehole and very predictable

35965a · 01/08/2023 10:04

EVHead · 01/08/2023 09:37

Yeah I’d be making his mind up for him.

Absolutely ^

Jonnycakes · 01/08/2023 10:05

But if he chooses you (wow, thanks a lot for deciding to keep me on, prick) will you ever trust, like or love him the same again? I certainly wouldn’t after the first time. Do yourself a favour and take control of the situation. It sounds like he’s enjoying the drama.

forgivingfiggy · 01/08/2023 10:07

Yeah, I had an ex who would dangle the threat of separation whenever I behaved in a way he didn't like. This is once step away from that.

I'd take matters into my own hands. You are young, no children. This can all go away very easily. I wouldn't be hanging around to see his next move.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/08/2023 10:07

Start making plans to separate. Do you own a house together? Could you buy him out?

Tell him the trust has gone. He does t want to be with you and he has made it clear.

Baconisdelicious · 01/08/2023 10:07

OP, as hard as it is to accept, your marriage is done. I agree there is probably an OW somewhere. What these men do is play a 'reel in, cast aside' game because they need to feel that they can come back if they want to. So they will say what you want to hear ('reel in') and then, when it's clear you're still wanting to be with them, they go cold again ('cast aside'). A 'game' can play itself out in a matter of minutes but once you are aware of it, you can avoid it happening. What it does is mess with your emotions and keep you hanging on. You need to put in boundaries for your own sanity.

In your shoes now, I would tell him to leave with a caveat that you should both have counselling separately and together as a couple if he wants to make the marriage work. Set that boundary and then see what he does. Although be aware that they can lie in counselling too. A half decent counsellor will see through the bullshit ,- get recommendations.

Dixiechickonhols · 01/08/2023 10:08

It can’t be unsaid. Don’t get into ‘pick me’
I’d be clear there’s no having cake and eating it aka staying friends.
I’d start sorting your finances, getting docs together and speak to solicitors re divorce.
I know someone who’s husband was leaving (long term married) as said didn’t love her and then he casually said oh I’ll still be coming for Christmas dinner…she was err no you won’t.

VeridicalVagabond · 01/08/2023 10:08

Please remove the element of choice from him and leave him. Move yourself into a spare room if you can in the short term to separate yourself from him physically whilst you work on what's needed to actually separate. You have no children so you can at least break cleanly.

Playing these sort of mind games is horrible, manipulative, abusive behaviour. Don't play his game by flip flopping along with him.

"Ok, the relationship is now over", start the process of divorce and completely grey rock him. If he tries to pull the "if I do something to myself" bullshit, contact the police and tell them you're concerned your husband is going to commit suicide. Do this every time he remotely suggests it. He's using it to manipulate you, don't let him. Let him explain to the police that he's not actually suicidal he's just trying to manipulate his wife.

GoingGoingUp · 01/08/2023 10:16

Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2023 10:03

Probably having an affair but hasn’t got the balls to end his marriage.
This way you will (should) get so fed up you will eventually tell him to go and he can skip away happily with a clear conscience and tell people you dumped him
Arsehole and very predictable

Absolutely this. If you have the strength to do so, make him do the ending so it’s all on him. He wants to be able to walk away with you having ended the relationship - don’t give him that satisfaction.

I’m also so sorry OP. It’s easy for us to be telling you what we think you should do, but you’re the one living it. Hope you’re ok.

TooTiredAndGrumpy · 01/08/2023 10:25

Affair. Textbook.

Either she is dithering over leaving her partner/getting cold feet etc. or he is dithering about the reality of splitting up.

It's over and I'd leave. I wish I did when this happened to me.

ihadamarveloustime · 01/08/2023 10:59

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance.

Quietly get legal advice and have a look at your accounts.

SMUnz · 01/08/2023 11:03

FKATondelayo · 01/08/2023 09:35

He's got another woman but he's not sure how committed she is to him.

What @FKATondelayo said

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2023 11:08

Take your power back. He doesn't want you but needs a back up in case a new amazing life doesn't turn out the way he wants. Start planning your own life. You will fee so much better.

Thegrumpycup · 01/08/2023 11:09

Take control and do what you want to do.

My STBXH was like this with me. He was depressed and didn't love me anymore. But didn't know what to do. 🙄I took control and ended it.

BCSurvivor · 01/08/2023 11:12

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 09:54

It’s as if he wants what he can’t have - so when I’m agreeing to split up he then wants me. But if I try to make him reconsider he doesn’t want me and wants his freedom

It's reading as coersive control.

That's not love, or wanting what he can't have.
That's knowing the love is gone but panicking about coping alone, hence the flip flopping back and fore.

VictoriaVenkman · 01/08/2023 11:14

He wants you to pull the plug so he is not the bad guy. He can then tell everybody that you ended the marriage not him.

I suspect he has someone in the wings.

Crunchymum · 01/08/2023 11:16

The only thing you can really do here is take back the power and stop allowing him to mess you about.

Tell him that you want to separate and make the required arrangements.

I could never trust or respect someone who messed with me in this way again.

InAnyOtherLife · 01/08/2023 11:19

I know it's not as easy as that, but I'd be asking him to leave. I wish I had when my ex started behaving like this - instead I turned into a paranoid wreck trying to be someone he wanted to come home to, walking on eggshells and feeling utterly miserable about myself. When I finally left, he made an awful scene, sobbing at the airport and begging me not to go.

He was having an affair. Maybe your husband isn't - yet, but something has changed. Don't let him destroy you as well as your marriage.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 01/08/2023 11:19

Joining the chorus of “tell him to fuck off”
If he alludes to suicide again tell his family and then bow out.
Who do these men think they are?!?

Original poster
Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 11:25

I’ve just been texting him about taking the next step with us ending our marriage and how I think it’s for the best. He has replied saying he really loves me and knows we can make things work.
no doubt he’ll be backtracking and becoming distant again in a few days and I don’t want to keep putting myself through that sort of torment. Maybe some of you are right that he has another woman in the wings

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 01/08/2023 11:25

Where there is any doubt, there is no doubt.

Your marriage is over, get out as quickly and cleanly as you can. It's okay to feel sad about it ending, but don't prolong things hoping it will get better.

Softoprider · 01/08/2023 11:26

He is playing the guilt game OP. Making it all out to be your fault. Let him commit harikari.. he won't of course

Kimten · 01/08/2023 11:27

Mother of god.
He'd be out the door.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 01/08/2023 11:28

leave him - hes abusive.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 01/08/2023 11:30

Take the decision out of his hands, go and see a solicitor and kick things off, at least sort out a financial separation and evidence what you want to do regarding the house and any shared finances