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Original poster

Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

245 replies

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 09:34

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 21:01

I have been very suspicious of a woman at work he’s friendly with but he swears blind she’s just a platonic friend. His behaviour is making me more and more certain he’s actually cheating on me with her.

I think you've known all along he's been cheating, you've just been denying it. I'm sorry op. I'd be making him leave, though. There is no fucking way I would allow him to drive me from my home. I'd be throwing his shit in bin bags right now. He wants out? He's out.

MillWood85 · 01/08/2023 21:03

It sounds like a really good idea to get some headspace away from his mindfuckery.

And tell your sister everything, let her support you Flowers

Ihatepickingausername3 · 01/08/2023 21:07

I think you’re doing the right thing

MissHarrietBede · 01/08/2023 21:13

If he is cheating, they may use your home and bed while you're away.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 01/08/2023 21:20

MissHarrietBede · 01/08/2023 21:13

If he is cheating, they may use your home and bed while you're away.

If they were going to do that then they would probably have done it already.

momtoboys · 01/08/2023 23:05

MissHarrietBede · 01/08/2023 21:13

If he is cheating, they may use your home and bed while you're away.

That's just not a very nice thing to tell OP.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 02/08/2023 07:21

How are you this morning @Lupin61?

Original poster
Lupin61 · 04/08/2023 10:39

So yesterday he was literally begging me to reconsider leaving him and he was on his knees crying his eyes out telling me what an idiot he has been as I’m the most amazing person he’s ever known. He said he had been struggling with his mental health and would do whatever it took to make me feel loved and secure every day from now on bla bla bla. i actually felt really sorry him as he looked so broken and remorseful.

this morning he was being distant again. I questioned him what on Earth was going on and he said he had been pondering things again and thinks we should have a trial separation and be best friends. I completely lost my shit with him as this is literally the 50th time this year he has done this. Packing my bags now to go to my sister’s. Absolutely fuming with him!

OP posts:
Gerrataere · 04/08/2023 10:42

Lupin61 · 04/08/2023 10:39

So yesterday he was literally begging me to reconsider leaving him and he was on his knees crying his eyes out telling me what an idiot he has been as I’m the most amazing person he’s ever known. He said he had been struggling with his mental health and would do whatever it took to make me feel loved and secure every day from now on bla bla bla. i actually felt really sorry him as he looked so broken and remorseful.

this morning he was being distant again. I questioned him what on Earth was going on and he said he had been pondering things again and thinks we should have a trial separation and be best friends. I completely lost my shit with him as this is literally the 50th time this year he has done this. Packing my bags now to go to my sister’s. Absolutely fuming with him!

He’s beyond awful and mentally abusing you. Glad to hear you’re leaving, you deserve so much better than this weak little man and his need to have everything his way. Enjoy the rest of your life without him!

NotSorry · 04/08/2023 10:42

Lovely lady, you don't have children together, it sounds like it's time to cut your losses

Hellofromtheotherslide · 04/08/2023 10:47

Is he a psycho playing games with you? He sounds unhinged.

JudgeAnderson · 04/08/2023 11:00

Best friends my arse. Who would treat their best friend like that?

He's carrying on with someone else and keeps bottling it.

Codlingmoths · 04/08/2023 11:02

Have you not even told him that you won’t be best friends?! When he rolls out this rubbish? Anyway, make the decision for him (& check his phone while you are at it, it does sound suspicious)

billy1966 · 04/08/2023 11:14

Come on OP, you deserve so much better than this.

He is 100% emotionally abusive.

How haven't you gotten the total Ick from this zigzag behaviour and crying on his knees?🤢🤮

What a twat.

Original poster
Lupin61 · 04/08/2023 11:22

I think because we have been together a long time and he did used to be such an amazing husband. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant and turned into someone I don’t even know. It’s very confusing to have someone who was the love of your life become such a bastard!
yes I’ve told him every time he says it that I could never go from him being my husband to just being platonic best friends and I would need a fresh start to move on with my life. He says things like “but your friendship is so important to me and I don’t ever want to lose that”

OP posts:
GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 11:26

He’s pushing the narrative that you’re leaving him, that you’re ending it.

Don’t let him OP. He wants to be the victim in this and make you out to be the bad guy.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 04/08/2023 11:35

That isn’t how you treat a friend. It’s him that’s abusing the relationship between you, not you.
Get far far away, OP. I know it must be confusing but from an outsiders point of view he is absolutely just playing you for a mug.

MixedBlessings · 04/08/2023 11:56

Of course he wants a trial separation. He can try out the other woman and if it doesn't work out and he decides to come back to you, he can use the Ross Geller "We were on a break!" defence.

GalaApples · 04/08/2023 12:04

GoingGoingUp is dead right OP. He wants it both ways - other woman and wanting to be best friends with you so that he does not feel bad about himself !!! I have seen this before - errant husband wants to kid himself that he is best friends with the wife he has cheated on, and even wanted the OW and wife to be friends, to make himself feel better!

And he is trying to push you into ending it and make him look the victim. As someone wrote upthread, get it in writing when it ends - HE chose to end the relationship because of what HE wants and how HE has behaved and HIS choices.

However, it IS your decision to end it because you cannot accept such abusive behaviour. Good luck, OP Flowers

GalaApples · 04/08/2023 12:06

Should have said put it in writing, not get it in writing. ie. you write an account of how it ended, not him doing it.

MrsImFedUpOfTheWeather · 04/08/2023 12:16

I'd put him on mute when you're at your sisters so he can't be interrupting your thought process with his mental fuckery. Full no contact!

RandomMess · 04/08/2023 12:24

It really does sound like the affair script.

He wants the new shiny exciting lots of sex partner without giving you up.

billy1966 · 04/08/2023 12:35

Lupin61 · 04/08/2023 11:22

I think because we have been together a long time and he did used to be such an amazing husband. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant and turned into someone I don’t even know. It’s very confusing to have someone who was the love of your life become such a bastard!
yes I’ve told him every time he says it that I could never go from him being my husband to just being platonic best friends and I would need a fresh start to move on with my life. He says things like “but your friendship is so important to me and I don’t ever want to lose that”

OP, he has one leg out the door and doesn't want to be the bad guy.

That last quote of wanting to be friends is confirmation.

I would 100% put my money on he has met someone else but is skittish about making a decision.

I know it is desperately upsetting but take it that he is concerned with the optics and narrative of this.

You and your happiness do not figure at all in what is going on in his head.

This is ALL about HIM.

Harden your heart and protect yourself if you can.

I am so sorry.

ihadamarveloustime · 04/08/2023 12:44

I’ve told him every time he says it that I could never go from him being my husband to just being platonic best friends and I would need a fresh start to move on with my life. He says things like “but your friendship is so important to me and I don’t ever want to lose that”

"That won't be your choice. It takes two people to have a relationship, including friendships, and I won't want to be friends with someone who thinks it's okay to treat people like this. Please be packed and out of here before I get back from my sister's. I'll let you know who my divorce solicitor is as soon as I've arranged for one."

HopityHope · 04/08/2023 12:49

MixedBlessings · 04/08/2023 11:56

Of course he wants a trial separation. He can try out the other woman and if it doesn't work out and he decides to come back to you, he can use the Ross Geller "We were on a break!" defence.

This.
He’ll see if the other woman wants to keep snagging him whilst he gets your friendship and emotional support, course why would t you agree to this perfect set up?
He then leaves you fully for the OW or she dumps him and he slots back home.

He’s a dick.