Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

[Lupin61]

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

To be honest I was thinking along the lines of, if OP doesn't feel like she can make him just leave, a trial separation will get him out the door fairly easily (as he thinks he'll walk back in), in which she'll have time to think about what she really wants, without this constant rollercoaster of emotions he keeps putting her through.

She needs time and space to think this through, as it's been a massive shock.

Hopefully she'll realise once he's gone that she doesn't need him and his bullshit and if he DOES go shagging someone else, that seals the deal and proves what it's been about all along.

Even if he doesn't have another woman, he's treating you like shit. He is gaslighting and manipulating you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your married life like this? Never knowing if today's the day that he decides the marriage is over, and then decide that it isn't. This is not normal behaviour and you deserve better.

I don't care if he's got another woman or not. He's being emotionally abusive towards you.

If you are married, it isn't 'separation' you're looking for, it's divorce. There certainly used to be legal separations - they wasted a lot of time and money, some of it mine.

Don't text him about anything, and only talk if you really have to. (Search 'grey rock'). This isn't about you both working it out between you - he's made his position clear, and now he thinks he can mess you about. If you accept that, you will live on a knife-edge for the rest of your life. Are you ok with that?

Take deep breaths. Exert the power you have in this situation - power over yourself, your choices and your actions. Exit with dignity and with a fair share of the marital assets.

This is extremely manipulative behaviour. How you feel about someone and how you act towards them isn't caused by how they feel about you. So if he feels like he loves you more when you say you want to split this isn't because he genuinely has reflected and decided he loves you (or that reflection and decision would be permanent not constantly flip flopping between leave and stay). Its because he is panicking about being on his own (or another woman) and has a humans natural fear of change. Which is completely normal and most of us have been there, when you know its the right thing to split but you have a 'oh shit have I made the right decision' moment. Most of us are mature enough to recognise that temporary moments of indecision or dont mean it's the wrong decision - relationships are not all bad and it's normal to miss the good bits. And most of us are mature enough to realise that keeping someone hanging just in case you change your mind is horribly cruel. When you split up with someone you don't get to set the terms of future friendship etc.

As others have said, this happens often when there's another woman but irrespective of that possibility, it's still an absolutely shit way to treat someone you supposedly love.

Think about how you'd act if you felt like the spark had gone (which is pretty inevitable in a long marriage at some points). I think most people who loved and respected their partner would have a check in talk where you both discuss how you feel about the relationship, how you can improve things, make suggestions on how to get the spark back (quality time, date nights etc), look into organising counselling etc. Jumping straight to 'not sure I love you, we have to divorce' is not constructive, or normal, unless there is something else going on in the background or it's been a long time coming

This is one of those 'you can't change other people's behaviour but you can change yours'. You don't have to accept this.

What I'd do is tell him that on reflection let's give it another month and review. And in that time I'd be making full preparations to leave and then at the end of that time I'd present it as a done deal, not a 'we need to talk about splitting up' discussion, which will make him suddenly pull his socks up and change how he says he feels again.

OP, he is completely fxxking with you.

Do not accept this.

Whatever the truth is, it will reveal itself in time.

Be glad you don't have a child with someone so self absorbed.

Do not entertain this twat for another minute.

Whatever you had, he has irrevocable broken.

Never ever trust him again.

You deserve so much better.

Don't be talked down to accept further humiliation from him.

Self important arse.

I hope you’re ok, OP.

What a horrible little prick.

He’s toying with you. I, like others, think he’s got another woman that he’s either having an affair with or certainly eyeing up. Either way, it doesn’t matter.

he can’t keep up this hot and cold, back and forth, dance with you. That’s not fair at all. I’d take the control away from him and end it.

You’re never going to trust him again because it’s always going to play in your mind that when things get tough he’s off. It sounds like he’s trying to push you to leave so that he gets what he wants and then he also gets to play victim.

He wants to shag about.
Organise the split and don’t give him any option of reconciliation.
He doesn’t love you, he just can’t be arsed to end it.
See a solicitor and get the ball rolling.
I’m so sorry, you deserve better than that

Sounds like my friend’s DH just before he decided to ask for an open marriage. She declined. OP, you’re worth more than this.

Really sounds like he's playing with your head, maybe not purposely but it ain't healthy. I would leave.

Alternatively, communicate with him and ask him what he wants from you and why he keeps going back and fourth. If you don't like the reply for any reason or there are any red flags, leave.

Bloody hell. When my husband started doing this push/pull with me, he also got signed off because he was depressed. (And wouldn't do things like have the toddler for an hour so I could go to the supermarket alone for once because "I'm off sick").

God it all tracks. I wish I'd known the script when it happened to me.

(He now lives with the woman he was "just friends" with and I felt insecure about for years).

There could be another woman involved somewhere but whether there is or not, only you can decide if you’re able to forget he has said this and are able to move on if you do stay together.

From experience, trying to do this can result in doing lot of emotional damage to yourself and you will feel a lot of resentment towards him, so really reflect on whether it is worth it - only you know the full scenario. My ex was in a similar yo-yo pattern and I was much happier once we had definitely split and he had moved out.

Don't walk away.... Run!
You'd be walking on eggshells waiting for him to change his pathetic mind again
With no DC it should be straightforward to leave and move on

He wants to have sex with or is already having sex with somebody else. This is emotional fuckwittery and he's too old to reasonably grow out of it. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd advise not putting up with it. A good friend reconciled with her emotional fuckwit, perennially immature husband (who was never able to hold down a proper job because it got in the way of his hobbies and creative dreams, that type) after he eventually ended up having an affair. A few years later he finally decided he wanted to end it after all. God knows what he's doing with his life at nearly 60 living in a bedsit flat on his own with no career history or prospects, but that just shows how strong the allure of the possibility of being able to have guilt free sex with different women is to some men. He threw away a 30 year marriage to a successful woman, a nice home and a seemingly happy family life for that. The way you've described your husband unfortunately reminds me of him.

As everyone else says-he's got another option. But he's giving you one last chance to step up and win him over..

So he basically wants his cake and eat it too. Seems to me he wants you in his life , live with u etc however wants freedom to do what he wants without the marriage . Defiantly wants to sleep with others . No matter how much you love him I wouldn’t put up with that I would leave him . You deserve so much more

If things are boring he could put a bit of work into the relationship to get the spark back. At the very least give it a go. It's kinda pathetic and very childish to make marriage vows and at the first sign of 'boredom' look for a new toy, like he's 8 years old again. The fact he's using boredom as an excuse without suggesting some sort of remedial action, does make me think he has either cheated or is thinking about it. If you want to sort it out, give him the ultimatum that you both need go to marriage counselling and talk this out with a referee - or it's over.

I don't know if there's OW or not. I don't think that every man who wants to divorce has an OW waiting in the wings. I certainly know quite a few who were simply unhappy and wanted out.

Assuming no OW, to my way of thinking this is either an ego thing and he's getting 'strokes' by seeing your desperation to keep him, he's too much of a coward to be the one to end the marriage, or he wants his freedom but doesn't want to give up his 'home comforts'.

Personally, I'd tell him needs to leave and figure his shit out. If that means I'm 'turning him loose' to see other women, so be it. Because if he supposedly needs time to decide whether or not he wants to stay in the marriage or end it and he uses that time to party and shag around, then he wasn't very committed to the marriage in the first place, was he?

The flip side is that him being gone will also give you time to decide what you want. And that is very important! How far might you want to go towards saving the marriage should he decide he wants to come back? But I think it highly likely that with him gone, you'll catch your breath you realize that you don't want him anymore. Anyone who put me through a headfuck like he's doing you would be out the door. We're worth a lot more than that!

Why does he assume that he can be your 'best friend' or any kind of friend after leaving?

Oh definitely kick this wankspanner out.

'You have chosen to end this relationship both by saying you want to end it and then by treating me cruelly - I no longer wish to be in a relationship with, live with, or associate with someone who could behave the way you are behaving.'

And as for this:

“if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”

"Why on earth would I think your suicide was my fault? You're an adult, you make your own choices!'

Show him the door and kick his ass through it - then communicate in writing only and keep re-iterating, HE chose to behave the way he has, HE chose to end it - your subsequent actions are as a result of HIS words/behaviour.

This is much more common than you might expect! Ex partners seem to get really upset once you begin take the initiative and don’t appear to need them desperately any longer.

If he really thought marriage would stay the same from day 1 for the next 50 years, he's naive in the extreme. Of course that first spark and excitement goes, how could it not as you get to know each so well? But then it's replaced by something deeper and equally valuable, provided of course both parties are prepared to put some effort in. He needs to have a good hard look at himself and grow up - and realise that, at his age, he is not going to get genuine sparks and excitement anywhere else either.

Absolutely this. Quietly but quickly make your plans, secure your finances and get him out or YOU get out.

I have a friend who's been through this cycle with her husband 3 times. Each time he's been having an affair. She's now going through cancer treatments and he has signs (again) of "not feeling right about our marriage." If she'd had LTB years ago, she might now be with a new DH who is loving and supportive instead of this bastard. She really needs better but how does one divorce, then date and do chemo too? Leave while you're still young to find someone who loves you all the time.

Men rarely instigate leaving a good or bad marriage unless they have someone else lined up.

This would also explain why he keeps getting cold feet as he wants his cake and eat it but can't. If he was leaving for himself as the relationship had run its course for example then sad as it would be his mind would be made up.

What do you want OP? Do you see a future for your marriage?

As hard as it would be, i would have to end it. It's possible that he is depressed but it still does not give him a free pass to be nasty to you. If he stays with you, you will find he will do this again.