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Original poster

Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

245 replies

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 09:34

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

OP posts:
frechette · 01/08/2023 13:07

He is doing you a favour by showing you who he is before you've had kids. Don't walk, run!

Malificent1 · 01/08/2023 13:08

He’s an abusive little dickhead, playing mind games and throwing you scraps of affection to keep you hanging around while he decides if he has a better option. Cut that shit dead and tell him to fuck off. You deserve so, so much better.

35andThriving · 01/08/2023 13:09

You deserve better.
You Really do deserve better Flowers

Monkeylimas · 01/08/2023 13:11

Hope you are okay op.

It sounds like he is cheating. Maybe emotionally maybe physically but he is following the cheaters script to the letter.

Wait for the depression to hit him. They give themselves depression due to the cognitive dissonance they create. Id be depressed if I was fighting the thought that I was a lying scumbag vs I’m wonderful and the ow loves me it’s nasty wife/marriages fault I’m miserable.

Check his phone or pop a voice activated recorder in his car (tape under seat). Yeh some will say your marriage is over etc but it’s best to know what is actually going on. And to be honest he is saying your marriage could be over anyway so you may as well find out why. Also if you do stay together you need to know if he has poor boundaries/integrity and morals so you know who you are married to.

Monkeylimas · 01/08/2023 13:12

Without kids I’d run like the wind. You don’t want a low value man as the father of your kids.

DivineLillith · 01/08/2023 13:17

Part of me thinks he wants you to end it so he can say she left me and get sympathy and does possibly have an OW.

Just sort out the financials, I got hurt when very young by an utter cunt so have since adopted a scorched earth policy. Any BS I was out the door immediately.

You will ultimately be fine because you are you and he is a worthless snivelling little shitter who will always be him. Imagine not ever being able to get away from yourself when you are that pathetic.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/08/2023 13:17

FKATondelayo · 01/08/2023 09:35

He's got another woman but he's not sure how committed she is to him.

My first thought too. It’s classic ‘script’.

He has no right to fuck with your head that way, what a selfish cunt.

EvelynKatie · 01/08/2023 13:19

Yep, he's had his head turned.

Make the decision for him.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 01/08/2023 13:20

I’d tell him, that until he’s made his mind up, he can sleep in another room, and he’s not to discuss it with you, as he clearly needs to get his own head around what he actually wants. If he can’t understand why you will not discuss it, he needs to get some help to understand that .
Say once he has made his mind up, his decision being the final one he wants , you will decide what your next step will be, until then you will not be getting involved

then step well away emotionally. Only talk about life admin, don’t go anywhere together,

if he says one more thing about suicide, say to him it is abusive to threaten this and you will document any abuse, or if he has genuine suicide ideation he needs to be speaking to a GP urgently who can help him with those thoughts, not you, as you are not a psychiatric professional.

I’d start to document all these shitty interactions in mean time anyway.

If he decide to stick with it, committ to nothing until you’ve completed a full couples counselling course. It may be there’s some genuine out of no where confusionnthat can be helped with counselling, or he may just be messing you around- don’t second guess, counselling completed before you even think about what you want if he wants marriage to continue

in the meantime, read up 2 things

  1. grief pathway - you will be grieving for the loss of the future you thought, even if you both eventually decide to stay together. Much of what you feel will fit this grief pathway , so it may help to understand why you feel how you do
  2. go to ADVICE NOW link at top of divorce/ separation talk board that MN put link to. Download their guides on divorce, financial agreement , child custody etc. this will inform you about what likely outcomes will be if it comes to divorce. This includes law around “fair settlement” for financial agreements. Arming yourself with knowledge now, doesn’t mean you have to act on it, but it will reduce your fear of what would happen in future if you do end up divorcing (fear is the response to the unknown) . If you can get a visualisation of a divorced future, you are much better placed to make the right decision at right time and be mentally better equipped to deal with that.
ElizaMulvil · 01/08/2023 13:21

IncompleteSenten · 01/08/2023 12:04

Yeah, he wants to fuck someone else or he already has but he also wants to keep his domestic appliance (you).

Absolutely this! It's over. See a solicitor asap and sort a financial settlement.

Friedgreentomatoestoo · 01/08/2023 13:24

When I caught my "D"exH cheating I told him it had to stop and we needed to talk.
He said "I don't want it to end, I love her"
He got the divorce papers the next week and was gone in a month.

Take charge OP, or you'll be dancing to his tune forever and a day.

MixedBlessings · 01/08/2023 13:24

sandyhappypeople · 01/08/2023 12:55

Can you ask him for a trial separation?

Tell him playing games is just eroding any love that you've got left for him, so if he's serious abut breaking up, you at least need to 'try' it, by living apart temporarily, he can't keep doing a 180 based on how you respond to his sudden wants and needs, as he's essentially holding you hostage.. what an utter prick.

If my DH was doing this to me I don't think I could ever see him in the same light again, and it would be the beginning of the end even if it's not what I originally wanted, or not what he ultimately wanted.

Maybe he's had his head turned and he's trying to get you to fight for him.. if that's the case.. he's not worth fighting for.

Show quote history

Surely this is playing straight into his hands? He then gets time to pursue and bed the other woman, come back to you saying he's sure he wants you and has the "we were on a break!" get out clause for shagging someone else.

I'm so sorry for you OP, he's treating you with such disrespect. I think you need to give him his marching orders.

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 13:26

Definitely another woman involved. I would do as another poster suggested and ask if there is anything he would like to share with you and then pay close attention to his body language. Either way sadly this relationship seems done and dusted either way. I'm sorry

ChristmasCwtch · 01/08/2023 13:29

Run, don’t walk!!!

What a total knob to push you onto such an emotional rollercoaster.

It sounds like he’s got another romantic interest in the wings, but that’s not quite playing out how he wants (maybe she’s not yet committed to leaving her partner).

Don’t be someone else’s second choice reserve 🏃‍♀️

Sooze2023 · 01/08/2023 13:29

Blatantlyfemale · 01/08/2023 09:57

One of the cohorts on married people dating sites are me around his age feeling like that. The spark is gone! I need some additional fun to feel alive again! I really find these the most pathetic men of all the groups of men who cheat.

He’s in that camp. He wants something different yet is also afraid of losing his stable base. What if he doesn’t get what he wants AND loses his home life! What a dilemma!

Weirdly, instead of keeping this as an internal dialogue he’s actually telling you and fucking with your head. That’s unforgivable. He’s shown you his selfish fuckery, his complete disregard for you, in keeping you hanging on whilst he decides. You can’t unknow that about him.

This.

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 13:31

The only comfort here is that more than likely he will end up on his own and regretful losing both you and likely the OW and he will deserve every little piece of misery he gets. He is being emotionally abusive, dishonest and manipulative. You will retain your dignity by ending it and you deserve better

ihadamarveloustime · 01/08/2023 13:32

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 11:25

I’ve just been texting him about taking the next step with us ending our marriage and how I think it’s for the best. He has replied saying he really loves me and knows we can make things work.
no doubt he’ll be backtracking and becoming distant again in a few days and I don’t want to keep putting myself through that sort of torment. Maybe some of you are right that he has another woman in the wings

What he means is he wants YOU to make it work. You to fall over yourself doing the 'pick me' work. While he internally decides if the grass is greener elsewhere.

He should be the one putting in the work. He's not.

You deserve better.

Chanhedforthis · 01/08/2023 13:32

Take the power back and divorce him.

You are still young, get out there, have fun and live your life.

Don't settle for this wank biscuit.

Chickenpie35 · 01/08/2023 13:34

FKATondelayo · 01/08/2023 09:35

He's got another woman but he's not sure how committed she is to him.

First thought.

Or you tell him to go so you look like "the bad guy"

No advice sorry I'd probably leave him but tell inlaws or something before he does and the way he's been just for someone to keep an eye on him and to get ahead of him

1037370E · 01/08/2023 13:36

He doesn't want to be with you, but he doesn't want to cut things off completely yet....he's keeping you as an option. As others have suggested, he has probably met someone else and is keeping his options open. Forget about what he wants, what do you want? He can only mess with your head if you let him. If you don't want to be with him, especially after the way that he has been behaving, just end it.

JFDIYOLO · 01/08/2023 13:36

My first thought was yes, there's another woman or there's one out there he'd like to be the ow.

But he's weighing up the pros and cons of making the leap - and one of them is everything he's going to lose.

So could he … possibly … have both? You know, keep you both doing the pick me dance, keeping you both on edge with the little 'I'll harm myself' hints (which is a glimpse into Stage 2 Mr Nasty when Stage 1 Mr Nicey is not working)?

I think your yes I agree stance is the right one. He's expecting the pick me pick me and is shaken that he's not getting it.

Remind him at every opportunity in a polite, rational way that it was he who first raised the subject.

And be prepared for him trying to deny it was his opening gambit.

Maybe time to start recording those conversations.

My first thought was yes, there's another woman or there's one out there he'd like to be the ow.

But he's weighing up the pros and cons of making the leap - and one of them is everything he's going to lose.

So could he … possibly … have both? You know, keep you both doing the pick me dance, keeping you both on edge with the little 'I'll harm myself' hints (which is a glimpse into Stage 2 Mr Nasty when Stage 1 Mr Nicey is not working)?

I think your yes I agree stance is the right one. He's expecting the pick me pick me and is shaken that he's not getting it.

Remind him at every opportunity in a polite, rational way that it was he who first raised the subject.

And be prepared for him trying to deny it was his opening gambit.

Maybe time to start recording those conversations.

PlacidPenelope · 01/08/2023 13:36

“if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.

This bit of emotional blackmail would have me putting him and his bags out with the bins.

Stop letting him play you, @Lupin61 which is what he is doing. For your own sake and your own mental health dump him and make a new life for yourself without him and do not for one minute give any thought to whether he will do anything stupid.

Be strong you can do this.

TR888 · 01/08/2023 13:36

Leave if you can, OP Flowers. Not because he might have another woman - I'm afraid this is almost certainly the case -, but bc of what he's doing to you.

Stay strong and act as if you're already separated. Do you depend on him economically?

JFDIYOLO · 01/08/2023 13:37

Sorry, it's double posted!

Riverlee · 01/08/2023 13:38

QforCucumber · 01/08/2023 09:36

I would take the decision into my own hands and tell him to leave yes. Once he's said it it doesn't go away and it's not your responsibility to wait around while he decides if he likes being with you or not,

This. Take control if the situation. If he knew, he wouldn’t have this indecision.