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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband keeps changing his mind about wanting to be with me

245 replies

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 09:34

in Our late 30s, married, no kids.
He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends as he feels like our marriage is missing the spark and excitement it once had. I was obviously very upset and practically begged him to reconsider. After a couple of days of him repeatedly telling me he wasn’t happy anymore I then started to accept what he was saying and agreed to start getting the ball rolling with the separation. He then got really upset and was crying his eyes out saying he can’t live without me and he does love me.
The next day he is back to saying he thinks we need to split up. I instantly got very cold with him and just said “ok that’s fine” and then turned my back on him to go to sleep. Again he started to backtrack and was trying to cuddle me saying he does love me and thinks he would be lonely without me. He also said “if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.
He is back to being distant again today.

this is a total headfuck and I have barely slept for 2 days. Would you walk away if your husband/wife kept behaving like this? His only explanation is he feels like things are boring now and he craves the idea of living alone and having his own space

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/08/2023 12:22

Bet he's met someone else and he's too cowardly to end your marriage so he's hoping you'll do it.

HopityHope · 01/08/2023 12:22

He wants you to do a pick me dance.

He expected when he said he wanted a divorce that you would lovingly throw yourself at him. That you would demand sex every 3mins, dye your hair the colour he wanted, do all the housework and cook for him and just follow him around professing love. Anything to keep him as the catch he really is.

He is genuinely confused when you said “ok then” 😂

Verv · 01/08/2023 12:22

TIme to make his decision for him, and leave.

GingerIsBest · 01/08/2023 12:23

There's another woman OR he wants another woman (he's flirting with someone or just considering sex with someone else as an exiciting opportunity).

And/or

Prior to this announcement from him, you were doing/saying things that he did not like and this is a useful way to control you by ensuring you're on edge eg if you were going out more often or meeting friends or choosing to do things differently now you might NOT do this as you're nervous about his reaction and how to ensure he still "loves you".

HollyhocksAndFoxgloves · 01/08/2023 12:28

He has told me recently he wants to split up but remain best friends

That is not the behaviour of a friend.

Also, friendships are built on trust the same as relationships. The trust has gone therefore no marriage, no friendship either.

How come he's calling the shots ?

He can GTF.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, i.e. pursue other women but have you as some sort of back stop.

What planet is he on ? He's had his head turned or has already done the deed with an affair partner.

He's not as ready for marriage as he thought he was. To bad he found that out after becoming OP's husband.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/08/2023 12:28

Its a gaslighting, head fucking game. Meant to make you compliant. Walk away and never look back.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 01/08/2023 12:31

I didn’t see the bit about “if I do anything stupid to myself…” that makes him a prick.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 01/08/2023 12:41

It's not that he can't decide, he's reacting to what you say and do. So he's cold when you're hot and vice versa. Then he throws in a self-harm threat. You are never going to really trust him again and that is no way to live.
You have more courage and integrity than him and wouldn't treat someone you loved or respected like this. Move him into the spare room if you have one (or the sofa if you don't). Get your finances in order and good luck.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 12:45

I would stop talking to him about this. Talk to your friends, your family, anybody but him - and when you find your anger (which I hope isn't too far away), file for divorce.

There is no way back. If you stay, you'll never be sure he won't pull this stunt again. That's no basis for marriage. He's failed, you haven't.

Be eternally grateful that you don't have children with this useless, vacillating twat because they would bind you to him forever.

You can have a great life, it's within your grasp. Flowers

TheGoddessFrigg · 01/08/2023 12:48

Play him 'A Little Time' by the Beautiful South. Listen to it yourself- just to see how often men play this game and what the best response is.

Kugela · 01/08/2023 12:49

Text him to say that the marriage was over as soon as he told you he wanted to split. You can’t come back from that.

He knew exactly what he was saying. For some reason he’s messing with your head to try to make it look like you are the one ending the marriage which is very hurtful. He’s being very unkind to you.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 12:49

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 12:45

I would stop talking to him about this. Talk to your friends, your family, anybody but him - and when you find your anger (which I hope isn't too far away), file for divorce.

There is no way back. If you stay, you'll never be sure he won't pull this stunt again. That's no basis for marriage. He's failed, you haven't.

Be eternally grateful that you don't have children with this useless, vacillating twat because they would bind you to him forever.

You can have a great life, it's within your grasp. Flowers

This. Bin him and move on.

Tbh he sounds supremely unattractive.

Fimofriend · 01/08/2023 12:50

He is having an affair

sandyhappypeople · 01/08/2023 12:55

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 11:25

I’ve just been texting him about taking the next step with us ending our marriage and how I think it’s for the best. He has replied saying he really loves me and knows we can make things work.
no doubt he’ll be backtracking and becoming distant again in a few days and I don’t want to keep putting myself through that sort of torment. Maybe some of you are right that he has another woman in the wings

Can you ask him for a trial separation?

Tell him playing games is just eroding any love that you've got left for him, so if he's serious abut breaking up, you at least need to 'try' it, by living apart temporarily, he can't keep doing a 180 based on how you respond to his sudden wants and needs, as he's essentially holding you hostage.. what an utter prick.

If my DH was doing this to me I don't think I could ever see him in the same light again, and it would be the beginning of the end even if it's not what I originally wanted, or not what he ultimately wanted.

Maybe he's had his head turned and he's trying to get you to fight for him.. if that's the case.. he's not worth fighting for.

Dukeydo · 01/08/2023 12:55

Kugela · 01/08/2023 12:49

Text him to say that the marriage was over as soon as he told you he wanted to split. You can’t come back from that.

He knew exactly what he was saying. For some reason he’s messing with your head to try to make it look like you are the one ending the marriage which is very hurtful. He’s being very unkind to you.

text back

you have said it once too often and I want a divorce and hopefully it can be an amicable divorce. I’m not happy and you aren’t happy. I’ve tried and it hasn’t been appreciated -I now want a divorce. Thank you. I’m going to make plans for a holiday on my own and start my own life and planning for my happiness just as you have started to. I don’t feel you can respect me or indeed any woman and life’s too short for this. I hope we can end up as friends who can co parent. Have a good day.

purplecorkheart · 01/08/2023 12:55

LTB and I do not say that lightly. He is playing mind games with you. Sounds like he is either having an affair or wants an open marriage without going through the expense of a divorce. Your current set up is awful for you. I would stay on the path of leaving. Ignore the threat. That is another attempt at power play.

EternalDreamer · 01/08/2023 12:57

My ex did this to me. After 5 weeks I made the decision for him and we split up. It hurt at the time but I haven't looked back since. Sit down and have a serious think about what you want. Do you want to stay with him? When I look back, I wanted to stay with my ex for all the wrong reasons. I had a great summer getting over him! I met my now partner and we have 3 wonderful children and a great life. Make any decision for you, not him.

MollysBrolly · 01/08/2023 12:59

Remain best friends - what a load of shit.
Tell him it's over and move on.he doesn't deserve you and you deserve better

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/08/2023 13:01

It really doesn't matter if he's having an affair/had his head turned or because the day ends in a 'y'. He has shaken your foundations, OP. He has taken your marriage vows and thrown them at you, telling you that he wants to divorce.

That's the behaviour of an imbecilic, immature man-child and he isn't worthy of you.

I can see from your posts that the conversations are really getting to you. For your own sake, bring those to a close, no more talking with him. Once you have made up your mind, file for divorce - the papers will do the talking for you.

You have nothing to lose and a potentially great life without this albatross around your neck making threats whenever he feels like it.

Riapia · 01/08/2023 13:02

if I do anything stupid to myself if you leave then please always remember it wasn’t your fault”.

Your reply if he repeats that.

“ Oh, I won’t, whatever happens to you in the future will be of no concern to me.”

viques · 01/08/2023 13:02

Lupin61 · 01/08/2023 09:54

It’s as if he wants what he can’t have - so when I’m agreeing to split up he then wants me. But if I try to make him reconsider he doesn’t want me and wants his freedom

So he is playing you, you can’t win, it is like those “find the lady” scams on street corners. He hold all the aces. The only thing you can do is take back control by kicking over the table and refusing to play the game.

MeridianB · 01/08/2023 13:03

FKATondelayo · 01/08/2023 09:35

He's got another woman but he's not sure how committed she is to him.

Sorry OP but this was my first thought, too.

I’d suggest you say how about giving it a couple of weeks for us both to think over, and using that time to find out what’s going on and prepare yourself financially and legally.

Bunnycat101 · 01/08/2023 13:05

If that ‘spark’ has gone in your late 30s with no kids it’s not going to be coming back at 45 or 55. Honestly what does he actually expect from a long-term relationship. If he’s showing you what he is now why would you want to risk him doing this to you again later on in life? If you part ways now you’ve got time on your side. I couldn’t be doing with the messing around. It’s very unfair on you to dangle his ‘love’ and have you chasing him.

MissHarrietBede · 01/08/2023 13:06

Simply another grass is greener merchant 🙄

neverbeenskiing · 01/08/2023 13:07

One of the cohorts on married people dating sites are men around his age feeling like that. The spark is gone! I need some additional fun to feel alive again! I really find these the most pathetic men of all the groups of men who cheat.

I agree. As though "the spark" is solely the wife's responsibility and not something that has to be prioritised and nurtured by both partners. The sense of entitlement is maddening. These men think that life owes them fun, excitement and passion, that these things are essential for them whereas women are somehow psychologically hardwired to be content with what they've got and remain devoted. OP, when he says he wants to split up but "remain best friends" this is code for wanting to fuck other people but still somehow have you and everyone else think he's a 'nice guy'.

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