DH said I’m in the worst shape I’ve ever been

[Amiinthewrongg]

I’ve started working out today and have been in my workout stuff. So obviously more skin on show. He looked at my belly and started giggling and I said what’s so funny. I had to beg him to get the truth out and he says your probably in the worst shape you’ve ever been in.

The thing is he is absolutely right so I can’t be mad at him but it hurts so bad.

I’ve had 3 kids 3 c-sections and I work an office job where I barely move all day. I’m not a big eater will only eat my dinner and a chocolate bar and a cup of tea throughout the day. But I get no exercise.

Feel like I can’t be mad at him but my heart feels broken as pathetic as it sounds.

Spouses are there to "shape and better us". Er, no.

Where does OP mention she is obese? Can't see it anywhere.

YANBU

Glad he’s apologised OP

I would remind him you’ve carried his 3 kids and say it’s disappointing that he’s not looking like Micheal Angelo’s David.

If a woman gas a few extra pounds after a baby,/csec we should respect her for it. Nothing but respect.
If she is slightly overweight, nothing but respect?
Obese? Still nothing but respect?
So overweight it's affecting her daily functioning? Still only respect because she's had a c section?
Come on! You can have respect for what a women's body went through AND simultaneously support and expect her to try and lose weight. (I'm not saying he's supported or gently nudged her, he could have broken the news more gently, but to make a blanket statement that says a man should have NOTHING but respect is preposturous. Does that count for your girlfriends, mom, sister too? Are they also not allowed to say anything?)

What do you not understand from my post. I didn't say op is obese? Are you deliberately trying to not read or is is a gebuine struggle because then I apologise.

I said at what point are you allowed to say it to A women?

‘Expect’ someone to lose weight? Absolutely fucking not. Unless someone asks for an opinion you don’t offer it.

Respect is due to the woman who carried and birthed his children, who went through repeated major surgeries. He does not get to take the piss out of that.

Respect and common decency should not be dependent on size.

Be honest. You’re a man aren’t you?

At what point are you allowed to say it to a woman? Never!

I am pretty sure obese people
lnow they are obese. They don’t need you to tell them and they certainly deserve to be mocked and laughed at.

You’ve had your stomach sliced open 3 times. Perhaps he should have all of him abdominals cut through three times and see how that affects his body? Men truly cannot appreciate the absolute sacrifice women make to have children sometimes. I’ve had two DC including one born by c-section and unless I made it my life’s mission I could not get back to my pre pregnancy shape. Some women are incredibly lucky and bounce back like nothing happened but for the other 99% of us it profoundly changes us both physically and mentally. To have a partner who sees you literally as a lump of meat to be prodded and made fun of is gross and despicable.

If you want a tummy tuck then get one for you but I think you know deep down that if you get one purely for his approval you will be chasing it your whole life.

I couldn't imagine laughing at DH's body nor him at mine. I can see why it's hurtful, op. He's acted like a dick here even though he's apologised, it's just not very nice at all.

If you’re booking a tummy tuck over that comment there are other things you need to explore. Why are you placing so much value on how you look?

He seems to have forgotten your body grew and birthed his 3 children. I'd like to see his after that. Sorry your man is such a dick.

A shitty comment from someone who should be supportive is not going to “empower” her or turn out to be “just the tonic”. It’s already damaged her mental health and well-being.

This.

How did he recover from having his abdominal wall sliced through three times? Maybe he could give you tips from his own experience with that?

I'd have looked him dead in the eye and said I've grown 3 babies and had 3 surgeries, what's your excuse??
But that's just me. I can wanna change my body for myself post babies, but no other f*#ker gets to say that to me!

I also think our spouses are there to shape and better us and our behaviour

Maybe this is how your marriage works but I certainly don't accept that my DH's role is to change my behaviour, or mine his. Even if you were right, do you think the best way to achieve positive change in someone's behaviour is by laughing at them, and making them feel unwanted and insecure? OP was already trying to make some positive changes, hence him seeing her in workout clothes. Now she's feeling so despondent she's contemplating putting herself through unnecessary surgery, so if her DH was intending to motivate her it clearly hasn't worked, all he has done is make her feel like shit. There was no valid reason for him to giggle at her body like a child, but the mental gymnastics some posters on MN are willing to perform to justify men behaving like twats never ceases to amaze me.

Has he got a death wish? I can imagine being married to George Cloony is difficult though. What a bellend. Sack him off and take up a lover.

A rude awakening can be just the tonic

It can also be so demoralising that people feel too hopeless and embarrassed to go out for a run, or to the gym or to that exercise class they've booked and instead they stay at home, eat their feelings and keep gaining weight. Or as in OP's case they seriously contemplate putting their body through costly and unnecessary surgery to make themselves acceptable to the one person who promised to love them unconditionally. Trying to frame this as though her DH has done her a favour by openly laughing at her body is ridiculous.

This

Hello, poor poor you. I'm so sorry you're hurt.

You've started at the gym great, keep going at least 3 times a week, preferably 4. Get a personal trainer to give you a programme to follow ASAP.

I'm mid 40's, 2 C sections and the biggest I've ever been.

I'm just going to share that 10 weeks ago, I started going to the gym 4 mornings a week lifting weights, im in a calorie deficit and I'm calorie counting. I've taken on a nutritionist and eat a no sugar (most of the time), whole food with supplements diet to counteract my peri menopausal state.

I'm a stone and a quarter down, much fitter and healthier with growing muscle definition.

So keep at it.... xxxx

As the gym worker said to me..."motivation will get you to begin but discipline will get you show up everyday"

If you show up it'll come off and you'll be back in those jeans. Xxx

Absolutely not on to laugh at someone fully agree. It's not only hurtful and mean, but immature.

We'll disagree then, I think we're allowed to comment on each other's behaviour, and habits, whether it be hygiene, eating, social etiquette, you name it. Especially in a loving relationship. I'd hate it if my husband were not to say something if I'm fostering bad habits.

Def not a man, but I see that's the way you try to explain my differing opinions to your own. I am a woman with different opinions to your own. I don't have to be a man to hold those opinions.

Turn the negativity into positivity and use this as motivation to improve, ask him to support you in your efforts rather than be negative and find an exercise you can do together. Ditch the daily chocolate bar and swap it for fruit.
He's hasn't approached it very well at all and has been mean and hurtful, at least he has apologised. If you're not happy with your look then only you can change that.

As I've said quite a few times, her dh was rude and immature .
I never said he was right. I posted about other people in the thread saying stuff that basically come down to someone never being allowed to comment on weight (esp after a c sec) I appreciate your difference of opinion. Not trying to get you to agree with me. Just stating my opinion.

So your dh has never said something along the lines of 'I think you came across as a bit obnoxious/ignorant/know all, when you made that comment about Harry's job". Often times my dhs comments would be something I already knew and I'd say. "I know, I wanted to bite my tongue the moment I said it, wish I kept my mouth shut. I'll definitely try and avoid that in future".

Or you saying to dh "I don't think you even noticed it, but you took the last 3 pieces of chicken at dinner at your moms the other day when your dad and sister haven't even gotten a second helping. And your mom didn't even have a piece. I could see they were too polite to say anything. " dh countering with" really, I honestly did not notice, I should definitely take care to only take second helpings after everyone ate or whatever, sorry I was in my one mind"

Or whatever. I can think of a 1000 scenarios. You asking your dh to have more consideration for your time and messaging if he's going to be late from work. Whatever
All of those is shaping behaviour.
I don't see at all why they are not allowed in marriage.

Even in physical appearance. I've asked dh for example. 'I know it's your favourite shirt, but it has a hole in, I think you should rather not wear it when we go out.'

And dh when I ask if the dress is appropriate. 'no in all honesty I think your a mom now and we're going to the opera, you look like your going to a club at 21."

He's not very sensitive, but hey just use it as motivation.

To get in better shape, the first step is that first workout! So just crack on.

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