I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

Also don't want to say my age but a lot of people would not want kids this late (but then plenty do and are happy).

I really wouldn't bother then. They open up an entire new corridor with rooms full of anxiety. You like your life now, why change it?

If you really wanted a kid you would have done something about it by now.

Fearing regretting not having a kid is not the same as really wanting one.

Have you tried to get help for your anxieties?

I use to be a really anxious person. I had CBT which I found helped a lot. I also did a mindfulness course and meditate daily now.

I'd focus on your mh then see where you are.

if you are prone to anxiety, I wouldn't.

you sound in turmoil over this OP, agree it’s such a big decision and if you’re really not sure/keen then don’t do it. It sounds more like your struggling to make peace with your decision. what happened with the two pregnancies?

Oh also there is a Child Free board on MN where you can go and get advice from people who have full and fun lives without having children.

One a termination (pre husband, I adored the guy but I'd have been on my own) and one miscarriage at 10 weeks. I didn't feel connected with the pregnancies and felt scared about my body being out of control. It's probably a sign if even pregnancy hormones can't reassure me.

Having children is hard work and turns your life upside down. I see so many miserable parents around and it isn't fair on anyone.
Don't do it if you're unsure.

I do have children (one with additional needs) but in your position I'd rather regret not having children than regret having children.

But saying that I never wanted children, I was never maternal and just didn't enjoy the company of children, found them quite annoying actually but now I have my two. I can honestly say I wouldn't change it for the world.

I do suffer with my MH and ideally I wish I could have gotten help before they were born but I'm getting help now and trying to become the best version of myself for them.

It's not an easy decision and it is something you have to live with obviously and life's full of what ifs but one way or another, with or without children you just make it work.

One of the disappointing things about having children is it doesn't change you at all. I was still exactly as selfish as I was before, but I was able to put my son's needs first to a level that made me a good enough parent. It wasn't always a pleasant process tbh and I still have moments of sheer joy that the physical grind of caring for young children is in my past.

Having said that... it was also great. My son is my favourite person in the world, he is fantastic. And that's the good news. Neither is bad.

From what you're saying I would embrace your current life. That's a good choice.

Yes, it's lifelong worry. Maybe not so much in the past- I left home at 21- but more so now when they can't afford to leave home and everything is much harder. Also climate change is coming at us like a train, and they may not have great lives.

I didn't 'feel connected' with my pregnancies either, I didn't get the rush of love on holding my babies for the first time either - more of a swoosh of relief that we'd all survived (difficult births), so I wonder if your expectation of what you think you should be feeling is a bit off. I wouldn't change my children for the world, and can't imagine my life without them. But I do know that a life without kids would be VERY different to my life with them. I would suggest you make your decision with that fact at the forefront of your mind. There is no comparing the life you have now with the life you would have with kids. Are you prepared, do you actually want, to let go of your current life and dive in to parenthood?

If you get to 45 and regret having kids, that’s far better than having a child or children and regretting having them. It fucks everyone involved up.

If you feel regret when you are older then you need to remind yourself that you don’t know that having children would have worked out positively.

Children won’t make you a better person. Children won’t help your anxiety. Having a child could make it worse. Having children doesn’t fix life’s problems and people who have them thinking that, often find themselves in a worse position.

If you wanted a child you would know you want a child. As it stands, it seems you don’t want one but that you think you should want one. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids.

I don't know mate, it's such a big life change that it's hard to advise anyone else.
I had recurrent miscarriage and I wouldn't be without my kids but honestly when I think about all the difficulties I went through with the miscarriages and then IVF and then looking after twins when I'd been through essentially 3 bereavements in short order (plus my dad died just after my third miscarriage) it was really hard and I don't think I would have started it if I'd known how hard it would be.
Also for me, my mother was abusive towards me and I've suffered from depression through my life as a result - it complicated things a lot when I had kids because people expect your mother to get more involved in your life again when you have small kids and I struggled with keeping her away from my kids without necessarily wanting to disclose to everyone in our lives why I was doing that. Also I didn't really think about any of that stuff day to day when before I had kids but once they reached an age that I could remember myself, a lot of bad memories started to surface and it was quite hard to cope with, especially with two small kids to look after. I ended up really sort of channelling my wee dad, if wasn't for him I'd have had no idea how to behave around my kids.

I don't know if any of that would chime with you, probably not, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that the sort of everyday discourse around the decision to have kids is pretty shallow ("can women have it all" and all this sort of bullshit) and you have to deepen it and think about your own specific circumstances, how your background and fertility etc are likely to make it easier or harder. Also the focus is always on babies but they don't remain babies very long - what do you feel about older children or having adult children, is that something you want in your life?

FWIW and obviously I did have kids so it's different but I'm 47 now and the broody phase that I hadn't experienced by the time I was doing IVF at 35 has not materialised yet and with the menopause round the corner I doubt it ever will. I'd do anything for my kids though but that's because they're my kids who I've looked after since they were babies. There was no epiphany. I feel like the same person I was before kids (possibly a bit grumpier!)

Yes social media, war, burden on planetary resources... Is it right to make someone live in this world if I'm not sure anyway.

I feel guilt for not giving my parents grandchildren. I mean nor has my sister as yet (ambivalence might be genetic).

I feel guilt that my husband will miss out.

My grandmother was a widow when my mother was 2 - I'd lose my mind if this happened.

I'm really messy.

I get terrible migraines and how would I care for a baby during one.

I love love and I see the importance of the family unit.

But I also see the harm a bad family can inflict.

It's ok to not want kids. You aren't inadequate or incomplete without them. You don't need to do it.

Build your life without kids, but do have something in the mix that gives your lives an external focus that isn't just about your own & dh's living and wellbeing. You may have this already, but humans do best when they have a habit of thinking of other people's needs before their own. Parenthood helps with this as obviously you put your kids interests first (but can also be unhelpful because of how we then tend to selfishly grab on behalf of our own kids) - without your own kids to prioritise you have a brilliant opportunity to select where and how you can make a difference to humanity.

Yes. They do. And I've travelled down it many times.

But they also open up entire corridors of joy and love. So that argument alone doesn't work.

On the better person/bitter person question I also feel like I've experienced both. It's hard to understate how hard work it is. I was very naive about that.

In your position, with the benefit of hindsight, when you say your DH would make a really good day what do you mean? Would he be fun and play with them and enjoy their company? Or do you mean he'd be fully sharing the really boring and tough stuff with you? Would he buy a child shoes without you asking? Does he hoover the house without a discussion first? Does he ever do you laundry as well as his unprompted? Does he make plans for the both of you and execute it from start to finish. If no to these questions, then given your initial ambivalence I would say that having a child might destroy your relationship as you could end up deeply resentful for how much your life changed and how much of the burden you shouldered for two decades.

Honestly you'd probably want to sort your anxiety out first. Medication , therapy. Then it would be easier to make the decision either way.

'I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right?'

NOPE! I can absolutely relate to how you feel. I agonised about having children every day for years on end. Ambivalence about having children is a real thing - not everyone is a straightforward yes or no. Far from it. It can be very hard to separate out what you actually want from what you are told you 'should' want, and having babies is still absolutely seen as 'the norm' for women

I'm 43 now and I didn't have children, and won't be having any. I have a lot of complex feelings about that but I do feel more relieved and grateful as time goes on

Since you're asking for advice, I would say don't do it. You haven't laid out one single good reason to do it. You don't even like children - that's absolutely fine, but it means that having a child in your life 24/7 may be something of a challenge! For both you and for the child. Why on earth would you take such an enormous gamble?

My anxiety is only social and it's just part of me. It'll never go away but I have a life that satisfies me. I'd just find it hard to have a child who was really into parties and hosting friends.

It does feel like a gamble. And I feel heavily the obligation that comes from making a person exist.

Sounds to me like you don't want to have children but you think you should because of other people.

If neither you or your sister have chosen to have children, is there family history that has influenced this? Not saying you need to have children but that are there additional factors making the decision hard that you haven't appreciated?