I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

One thing you definitely can't control is who your child becomes. They are their own person, and socialising is very important for their development. Most children love to be with their friends. So if you have a sociable child, it's a good outcome (for them).

It's ok not to have children. It doesn't make you a better person. (Though it's helped me to create better boundaries with other people in my life.) I love my kids but it's the hardest thing I've ever done, and your mental health is affected even when you're fairly well.

You live in a world heavily influenced by and geared towards families and children. You’re taught from a young age if you are childless you are the bottom of the barrel and then some. This is not true. It is not unnatural to not want children. Have you considered speaking to some child free by choice people in real life? It might change your perspective.

You’re not weird or not normal or anything like that at all. It is ok to not want children. It’s worse to have a child when you’re not sure you want them.

It’s also not this unimaginable joy. It’s fucking hard word, it’s relentless, it’s the most stressful, time consuming thing you will ever do to yourself. The slog of it is drudgery. There might be a lot of joy there but it’s entirely thankless the majority of the time.

It doesn’t sound like you want children. And that’s ok.

If you were 25 l, I’d say these feelings are normal, wait and see how you feel in a few years. But if you’re over thirty you’d want them by now if it was right for you.

Others may say it’s the great joy imaginable but that can be true for them and not for you. Children is a lifetime commitment and it doesn’t sound like a good match for you particularly with the anxiety.

It’s absolutely not wrong to not want children.

They aren’t easy, it’s not all love and joy and cuddles. It’s often sleep deprivation, isolation, and anxiety, with poo on top.

If you don’t feel that strong internal desire then I wouldn’t force yourself to. You aren’t any less of a woman, your life won’t be unfulfilled, and your family won’t be heartbroken.

A lot of people say cold water swimming is exhilarating. Doesn't make me want to sign up to a lifelong cold water swimming club.

It sounds to me as if you do know the answer (you don't want children) but you're useless at listening to your own instinct (which a lot of us women are, we're often socialised to listen to our instinct last and to put other voices first). Does that resonate at all?

I think it would enrich your life and they’re not necessarily that hard to look after, but I’m 33 and there’s no way I would have the energy to have more at this age

Objectively; it doesn't sound like you want to be a parent.

It sounds like you're anxious that you'll miss out on something and realise too late that you wished you'd done it; but there's a million things every day that this could apply to. Kids just feels like a big one as it's still the expected default.

But nothing you've said suggests you want to be a parent, beyond ticking the box, or making other people happy - and from what you've said about you and your life, it's not a natural fit. That's not to say that you wouldn't make it work, but it'd be a lot of negotiation, and the compromise will mostly be on your part for a lot of years.

Do you have anxiety or are ND? It sounds a lot like you need absolutes and clear plans and the uncertainty children brings is an issue.

In any case could you get a few sessions with a councillor, it might help to be able to talk this all through with a neutral party. They won't tell you what to do but will be a sounding board and help you to explore your feelings.

'A lot of people say cold water swimming is exhilarating. Doesn't make me want to sign up to a lifelong cold water swimming club.'

Spot on! 👍

@questionspleaseno your post really got me. If you need it, please consider this being someone giving you permission to stop. You are under no obligation to have children, no obligation to continue to to try to have children even after recurrent miscarriages. Do what is right for you now. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Depends on the child, how easy or hard they are.

Thinking about the 'greatest joy imaginable' thing... there are people who adore dancing on stage, for them it's essential and they must do it. I even like musicals etc but there's no way I would ever train as a dancer and it's not right for me, it would never be a joy for me.

While they do say that if you are unsure whether you want children, then do not have them I think your situation is a bit more complex.
a) You have terrible social anxiety
b) Your list of the things you think about when thinking of having children are 100% anxieties
c) The two times you were pregnant, you were terrified because you felt your body was out of control which is an unusual anxiety related reaction.

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist about your anxiety? Because while most parents-to-be do worry a bit about having children, that’s not all they think of like you do.

You might have more generalised anxiety clouding your judgement and thoughts about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting and could benefit from talking therapy and medication.

Beautifully put. Becoming a mother when you suffer with anxiety is a whole different level of misery in some ways. As wonderful as it is being a mum, it is much harder when you live with anxiety. OP well done for considering this decision so carefully. I wish I had.

OP, genuinely the only negative feeling I have towards women who have decided not to have children is a bit of (friendly) envy!

I say this as someone who knew from a young age that they did want to, and I had them in my late twenties, so followed a very conventional, traditional path. Well, don’t I just regret not taking another 5 years to THINK about it. I’m not saying my decision would have been different in the end, but Christ, there is so, so much to be said for having the awareness and insight to decide NOT to have children.

To the PP who said you don’t have children for you, you have them for them - this is spot on. They will throw a grenade in to life as you know it.

On every level, it’s absolutely ok not to have children. Personally, socially, societally, globally - IT’S OK. You are no less valuable and precious for a decision that’s right for you.

For such a short post there's a lot to unpick there. 🤔

Encouraging someone who has no desire for kids, and who suffers from anxiety, to go ahead anyway because they will 'enrich' her life seems pretty irresponsible to me.

And since when is 33 old? It's an average age for having a child.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

I think the reason I haven't listed more positives is that I think those are kind of hard to capture. How do you describe a unique love? I really value love and emotional intimacy and (as a pp said) thinking of others and caring for them and not prioritising oneself is a good act.

On the other hand, I have a friend who works in victim support for elderly victims of crime. Many of her cases were victimised in some way by their own children. Nothing is a ticket to happiness I guess.

It sounds to me like you don't actually want kids you just have a bit of FOMO. Definitely don't have kids unless you're sure.

Well she seems undecided.

I don’t know if it’s just me but I’m completely wiped out by life now

@BillaBongGirl

Or maybe she just doesn't have that desire, and trying to force it within herself is contributing to this anxiety.

I'm sure it wasn't your intention but your advice feeds into OP's concern that there's something wrong with her thinking and she needs to fix it.

If course it's helpful to get treatment for anxiety, but centring it around this decision is not helpful IMO.

(I say this as someone with anxiety)

Anxiety really affects decision making and the ability to make decisions.

Many of the fears you have stated over having children are things that are very unlikely to be relevant to your personal circumstances. They are based on ‘what if’ and aren’t particularly helpful to making your decision. (They are also natural fear to some extent but we all need to be able to put our fears into perspective (I know it’s easier said then done))

There is no right or wrong decision when it comes to having a child only what is right for you and your husband.

But in terms of actually deciding, I think it’s important that you try some form of CBT or counselling for your anxiety. Maybe start by searching your local mental health trust and doing their quiz to get an idea of the extent this is affecting your life.

It’s been 10 years of struggling with this life decision, (people do feel differently over time and that’s normal but) it comes across as if your anxiety is making big decisions fearful and that is affecting how you live your life. There will be other big decisions in the future. I just genuinely think it would be very helpful for you to put tools in place to enable you to make this choice free from the anxiety.

Pregnancy and birth reduces anxiety for some and triggers it for others regardless of previous history. Support is available during and after pregnancy so, as long as you take steps towards managing your condition, your current anxiety shouldn’t be a major factor in the decision although you would have to take it into account a bit.

Hope whatever you choose works out for you.

I'm the child of someone who had them(adopted) for her husband and because that's what you do.Motherhood was not what she thought it should be. I wasn't what she thought I should be. As a result she was never the mother I needed and I was never the child she wanted.Was there love and good memories and times? Sure, but there was a lot more anger,disappointment and resentment on both our parts.