Page 14 | I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

ForestGoblin · 2023-07-31T05:29:02+00:00

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness. Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own. Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together. I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead. I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up. Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that. A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental. What if the baby has additional needs. What if I have a birth injury. What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease). What if I don't then at 45 something clicks. What if I get bored. Either way. Life is just so scary I hate it.

Stopsnowing · 04/08/2023 07:09

Nothing you have said indicates you want children. You just sound anxious that you might regret it.

bigpawsjames · 04/08/2023 07:40

I could have written your post two years ago. Ie have a 9 month old and it's wonderful. Nature takes care of it all OP and makes you fall in love!

oneanddonemaybe · 04/11/2023 12:14

I would strongly advise you don’t have kids. I have one, and had him a month before my 32nd birthday. I was exactly like you. Didn’t really enjoy the company of young kids for more than 10-20mins, never ever felt broody until like the month we started trying. I also told myself, well I’ll feel different with my own kids. This is something I’ve heard some other mums say who say they never liked kids but it was ‘completely different’ with their own.

my son is now 3 and a half. He doesn’t have additional needs (well nothing suspected yet), apart from needing grommets, speech isn’t as clear as most of his peers but the worst thing is how highly sensitive he is. He will cry until he vomits if we don’t do certain things exactly how he wants. Example, today we showed him a new toy supermarket checkout we bought which his dad needed to build. He showed zero excitement and didn’t want my husband to even touch the box. We first let him cry but he cried so much he nearly vomited and he didn’t seem to be slowing down. Thank goodness his dad has 10 times more patience than me (another quality I’m lacking that is really important for a parent to have) his dad stopped building it and sat with him for 15 minutes talking to him, and then played with him for 10 minutes in his bedroom and then eventually he was getting used to the idea of the supermarket. He’s currently helping his dad build it.

these kind of seemingly unwarranted tantrums are not uncommon. E.g. if I give him a cup instead of a bottle or vice versa, it could lead in full blown tears until I can calm or distract him.

I am someone whose mood plummets when my sleep is disturbed several times a night. Some weeks he might wake up once for 2-3 nights and some weeks he might wake up 3 times a night for 5 nights in a row. He’s never been a great sleeper but not the worst either.

i know I love him very much. I’d give my life for him. But. If I lived in a world where it wasn’t expected for all couples to have kids, or if I didn’t care at all about societal norms, I wouldn’t have tried for a child.
I think older people who chose not to have kids, and now regret not having them, didn’t take the time to build friendships, their community and clubs and hobbies.

Rosieblue12 · 04/11/2023 16:30

oneanddonemaybe · 04/11/2023 12:14

I would strongly advise you don’t have kids. I have one, and had him a month before my 32nd birthday. I was exactly like you. Didn’t really enjoy the company of young kids for more than 10-20mins, never ever felt broody until like the month we started trying. I also told myself, well I’ll feel different with my own kids. This is something I’ve heard some other mums say who say they never liked kids but it was ‘completely different’ with their own.

my son is now 3 and a half. He doesn’t have additional needs (well nothing suspected yet), apart from needing grommets, speech isn’t as clear as most of his peers but the worst thing is how highly sensitive he is. He will cry until he vomits if we don’t do certain things exactly how he wants. Example, today we showed him a new toy supermarket checkout we bought which his dad needed to build. He showed zero excitement and didn’t want my husband to even touch the box. We first let him cry but he cried so much he nearly vomited and he didn’t seem to be slowing down. Thank goodness his dad has 10 times more patience than me (another quality I’m lacking that is really important for a parent to have) his dad stopped building it and sat with him for 15 minutes talking to him, and then played with him for 10 minutes in his bedroom and then eventually he was getting used to the idea of the supermarket. He’s currently helping his dad build it.

these kind of seemingly unwarranted tantrums are not uncommon. E.g. if I give him a cup instead of a bottle or vice versa, it could lead in full blown tears until I can calm or distract him.

I am someone whose mood plummets when my sleep is disturbed several times a night. Some weeks he might wake up once for 2-3 nights and some weeks he might wake up 3 times a night for 5 nights in a row. He’s never been a great sleeper but not the worst either.

i know I love him very much. I’d give my life for him. But. If I lived in a world where it wasn’t expected for all couples to have kids, or if I didn’t care at all about societal norms, I wouldn’t have tried for a child.
I think older people who chose not to have kids, and now regret not having them, didn’t take the time to build friendships, their community and clubs and hobbies.

with what you said i wonder your child could maybe be autistic.

Sofaz34 · 04/11/2023 16:54

My partner and I took this long and we knew by the end. I don't think we will regret it but I still have anxiety about it. It needs to be way more positive than negative.

oneanddonemaybe · 04/11/2023 18:19

@Rosieblue12 I know it does sound like he could but I work with families that have children with Autism. I refer children for assessments of Autism. I know all the traits of Autism according to the description in the ICD-10. He doesn’t display any of them. To be honest the size of meltdown happened today because we were firmer than we usually are. We normally take a very softly softly method which can take long, which my husband ended up doing today anyway when we realised the firm method wasn’t working. Nursery say he is such a well behaved child. He has a close group of friends too and is always invited to bday parties.

mrlistersgelfbride · 04/11/2023 18:40

Sorry you are going through this turmoil OP.

It really is a gamble. I know it's not the same thing but all the things you think about about having a child, are what I think about having a second child. My DD is nearly 6 and I can't bring myself to throw the dice again.

It's really hard being a mum. The hardest thing I've ever done. I love that kid so much and would die for her but the first 2 years were hell for me. I think if you're prepared for a couple of difficult years with sometimes little sleep, but know it gets easier, you will be ok. There are some fun times too. Your husband sounds like a good egg. No one is guaranteed anything in life. You are self aware and have given this a lot of thought which is a good thing and more than many do.

Having said that, I know loads of childfree people, more of my old school friends don't have kids than do. They are all a pretty happy bunch. It's so common these days.
You have given lots of reasons not to have a child and not many reasons to.
I think you would have done something by now if you wanted to be a mum.
Knowing what I know now, I'd rather regret not being a mum, than being a mum.
Wishing you all the best x

Rosieblue12 · 04/11/2023 19:08

oneanddonemaybe · 04/11/2023 18:19

@Rosieblue12 I know it does sound like he could but I work with families that have children with Autism. I refer children for assessments of Autism. I know all the traits of Autism according to the description in the ICD-10. He doesn’t display any of them. To be honest the size of meltdown happened today because we were firmer than we usually are. We normally take a very softly softly method which can take long, which my husband ended up doing today anyway when we realised the firm method wasn’t working. Nursery say he is such a well behaved child. He has a close group of friends too and is always invited to bday parties.

That is good to know then, just know this stage wont last and he will grow out of it, things will get better.

BogHag · 04/11/2023 19:11

I think if it’s not a big yes it’s a big no. I love it, I feel I was made for it, I’m so glad I did it - but it is absolutely not the only way to have a loving, happy, meaningful life, and it can be very difficult. If you’ve been so uncertain for so long, maybe it isn’t for you - especially because your life is already happy, fulfilled and enjoyable.