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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

334 replies

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 06:29

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 02/08/2023 09:45

SnozPoz · 02/08/2023 06:53

I wonder sometimes if there is too much analysis these days of how we should live our lives? I think it's wonderful that we do and can think things through and have choices but has it made things more complicated for us? Not long ago you probably would have just got with having children without questioning it too much.
I really don't like most other children but love my own. She wasn't an easy child but she's my favourite person of all time. Her father was off the scene pretty quickly so I was effectively a single parent but it was fine. You would be fine too. The fact that you ask all these questions says to me that you really care and you would for this reason really care for your child and be a great mother, and you've already said your husband would be a great father. You cannot worry about "what ifs"... they will paralyse you. Equally don't worry about the what ifs if you don't have children. Good luck

I think you're right! My mum (who was a lovely mum) often said to me that she felt sorry for the generations of women that followed hers (she was married in the 1950s) who "enjoyed the freedom" of the Pill. She said no one in their right mind would really decide to have kids, as a rational choice, and it was hard for anyone to be faced with that rather than just letting Nature take its course.

Sakura7 · 02/08/2023 10:02

MrsMcisaCt · 02/08/2023 09:40

I think a lot of people on this thread are underestimating the pain of regretting not having a child. I don't mean regretting it for a while, then going on to have one, I mean regretting it when the opportunity is gone forever. That doesn't mean I think the OP should have a child btw. I just think it's easy to say 'oh, it's not as bad as having a child and regretting that'. Well then you really don't understand the pain of being childless when actually children were the only thing you ever wanted in life. And suggesting adoption just makes me want to scream with frustration.

It's not the same situation. You're speaking of someone who desperately wanted children and is feeling the pain of being unable to have them.

It's clear that someone who chooses to stay childfree simply doesn't have that desire for a child, and is far less likely to be unhappy with their situation.

DirectionToPerfection · 02/08/2023 10:08

I can't believe there are women on this thread, in 2023, claiming we'd be better off without contraception. Without choices.

After all the sacrifice of the women before us, the hard won rights so that we could have better lives, it's incredible to see the freedom we now have being taken for granted.

I bet if you could be transported for a day into the life of a 1940s housewife with eight kids you'd have a rude awakening.

KimberleyClark · 02/08/2023 10:18

MrsMcisaCt · 02/08/2023 09:40

I think a lot of people on this thread are underestimating the pain of regretting not having a child. I don't mean regretting it for a while, then going on to have one, I mean regretting it when the opportunity is gone forever. That doesn't mean I think the OP should have a child btw. I just think it's easy to say 'oh, it's not as bad as having a child and regretting that'. Well then you really don't understand the pain of being childless when actually children were the only thing you ever wanted in life. And suggesting adoption just makes me want to scream with frustration.

I do understand it. Been there never had kids, but I’m now very happy without children. For the OP it’s clear that children were not the only thing she has ever wanted in life.

Yalta · 02/08/2023 10:23

I think you are too self absorbed to have children. You are wasting your life looking for guarantees and thinking of the What Ifs

You either want children or not. But if you decide not and you say your dh does want them then you have missed the What if dh leaves to have a family of his own.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 02/08/2023 10:26

Yalta · 02/08/2023 10:23

I think you are too self absorbed to have children. You are wasting your life looking for guarantees and thinking of the What Ifs

You either want children or not. But if you decide not and you say your dh does want them then you have missed the What if dh leaves to have a family of his own.

He could but we've been together nearly twenty years and he definitely doesn't seem sad about our situation. I think since his siblings had kids he's had a better idea of the practical side (I have friends who had kids young so was never in any doubt). I mean, even if we had a kid he could still leave me. Hope not!

The deep love sounds wonderful. I think love is the only reason for human existence. But the work of raising a child seems almost impossible to me. I am in awe of people who do it, tbh. How can it be something that almost everyone does when it's so immense?

OP posts:
Evieanne · 02/08/2023 10:27

Yalta · 02/08/2023 10:23

I think you are too self absorbed to have children. You are wasting your life looking for guarantees and thinking of the What Ifs

You either want children or not. But if you decide not and you say your dh does want them then you have missed the What if dh leaves to have a family of his own.

She’s not self absorbed, you’re basically implying she’s selfish. She just has different priorities to you. Equally if she’s child free, she could easily leave him first anyway.

LittleMoReturns · 02/08/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t in your situation. Having a child completely turns your world upside down. If you’ve got to crunch point and you’re still dithering I wouldn’t force the issue.

I might be unpopular for saying this, but I also think that having a baby at 40+ is far from ideal. If you were desperate for a baby then fair enough, you could weigh that up against being an older parent, but if you’re not sold on the idea and so highly anxious about so many aspects of parenting, I definitely wouldn’t.

Lottapianos · 02/08/2023 10:35

'You either want children or not'

That's just not true. It's not that black and white for all of us. Plenty of people on here, OP included, feel highly ambivalent and are struggling with the choice

Zolf · 02/08/2023 10:45

Agreed, it's not black and white and absolutely no one truly knows what it will be like to have a child until they have one. There are far too many variables and it is a risk.

So it's such a difficult decision if you're ambivalent, because it's probably one of the only decisions of your life that you can't undo, as well as being the biggest/most impactful decision of most people's lives!

cadink · 02/08/2023 10:48

If it's taken you this long to decide it's probably not for you

MotherofGorgons · 02/08/2023 10:49

Can we please stop telling women who don't have kids that their husbands will leave them if they don't? Not very nice. And unlikely in this case.

Lisapeter · 02/08/2023 10:51

My cousin said the same, she was 40 nearly 41 she got pregnant had a healthy little girl, she was always quite, but then when she had her daughter it brought out the social side of her. Her daughter is 9 now and my cousin is 50 in December. She is a wonderful parent and her hubby. They tried again to have another but she has always suffered with gynaecology problems so it never happened. So their daughter is there only one. Her daughter is a talented gymnastic and so bright. Her future is going to be a good one. Discuss it with your hubby, try not to think of what ifs as this could be holding you back. I wish you all the best.

Sakura7 · 02/08/2023 11:40

Yalta · 02/08/2023 10:23

I think you are too self absorbed to have children. You are wasting your life looking for guarantees and thinking of the What Ifs

You either want children or not. But if you decide not and you say your dh does want them then you have missed the What if dh leaves to have a family of his own.

What a nasty post, absolutely dripping in contempt.

I still can't wrap my head around the argument that not wanting children is selfish. Either decision in relating to having children is in some way selfish, because you're following the path you've decided is right for you. I don't see what's wrong with that.

As for the dig about OP's husband leaving her, you clearly haven't read her actual post. Do you really think it's likely that he's harbouring a secret desire for children that he's never discussed in all their years together?

In my experience, more men are willing to remain childfree than women. There are plenty who only go along with it for their partner but don't step up in a practical way, leaving all the grunt work to the woman.

scotvic · 02/08/2023 11:44

I don’t think you should. I was considering it, same as you, but I have to say that reading Mumsnet has totally put me off ever having children!! How tiresome and complicated and thankless it all sounds! How difficult it is to parent well, and how tragic if a child is not parented well and ends up a mess. It’s a giant commitment, and will change your life forever. If you and your husband don’t really really positively want to, then don’t. (BTW surely it’s not right to have a kid just so they can look after you in old age, as some on here seem to be saying.)

Lottapianos · 02/08/2023 11:58

'Can we please stop telling women who don't have kids that their husbands will leave them if they don't? Not very nice. And unlikely in this case.'

Well said. And it just perpetuates the idea that any 'normal' woman would want to go ahead and have kids, and there's something wrong with you if you dont

Alcemeg · 02/08/2023 12:20

DirectionToPerfection · 02/08/2023 10:08

I can't believe there are women on this thread, in 2023, claiming we'd be better off without contraception. Without choices.

After all the sacrifice of the women before us, the hard won rights so that we could have better lives, it's incredible to see the freedom we now have being taken for granted.

I bet if you could be transported for a day into the life of a 1940s housewife with eight kids you'd have a rude awakening.

Mum was joking, but she also had a point.

It's not an easy choice!

BreatheAndFocus · 02/08/2023 13:10

SashaPearce · 02/08/2023 08:08

I have a childless friend in her early 90s. She wipes her own bum, no-one else is doing that for her. How on earth would children be paying her pension when they are not earning? She earned it by working hard all her life and paying into the system. She also until covid was doing volunteer reading help with children with reading disabilities, so I’d say children were benefiting quite a bit more from her than vice versa. Guess you were laughing so hard you forgot to think.

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And you forgot to engage your brain. Clearly, schoolchildren aren’t working 🙄 The children now will still be the children of their parents and will grow up, work and then their contributions will pay the pension of people the OP’s age when they’re pensioners. They’ll be the shop workers, the carers, the doctors, the dentist, etc etc of OP and her peers.

Sumthingsweet · 02/08/2023 13:11

You can’t live your life on a stack of ifs . You have not said why you want a child but have given many reasons why you should not - all negative .

your whole life will change and if you don’t have that moment where you feel connected and immediate love I would not put yourself through trying . Interesting that you come on to mumsnet to ask women with children their views .

are you looking for that one person to back up your disdain for children? Or tell you you are right ?

the answers are all in you , nothing will change of you don’t change your attitude towards the process . It’s all consuming being a mother , hard work and you have to put yourself last at times .

if you are not ready for that you could fall into depression with the shock of it . Also do you actually think it’s guaranteed ? No it’s not even with ivf and perfect medical intervention you might not fall pregnant .

Maybe you were not meant to have children or maybe you are . Decide what you want.

the truth is what you need and the truth is your very negative about the whole thing

BreatheAndFocus · 02/08/2023 13:15

ForestGoblin · 02/08/2023 09:26

Well, in this tech era I'm not sure that's true in the way it used to be. As a pp mentioned, a lot of children born today are likely to find it hard to find work. The whole structure of everything is going to have to change.

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I guess that depends how old you are and how quickly any changes come. I think tech will have an impact, but at the moment there are no shortage of jobs in many areas. Not only that, for some jobs people prefer a human rather than tech.

Nantescalling · 04/08/2023 06:43

Anycrispsleft · 31/07/2023 06:45

I don't know mate, it's such a big life change that it's hard to advise anyone else.
I had recurrent miscarriage and I wouldn't be without my kids but honestly when I think about all the difficulties I went through with the miscarriages and then IVF and then looking after twins when I'd been through essentially 3 bereavements in short order (plus my dad died just after my third miscarriage) it was really hard and I don't think I would have started it if I'd known how hard it would be.
Also for me, my mother was abusive towards me and I've suffered from depression through my life as a result - it complicated things a lot when I had kids because people expect your mother to get more involved in your life again when you have small kids and I struggled with keeping her away from my kids without necessarily wanting to disclose to everyone in our lives why I was doing that. Also I didn't really think about any of that stuff day to day when before I had kids but once they reached an age that I could remember myself, a lot of bad memories started to surface and it was quite hard to cope with, especially with two small kids to look after. I ended up really sort of channelling my wee dad, if wasn't for him I'd have had no idea how to behave around my kids.

I don't know if any of that would chime with you, probably not, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that the sort of everyday discourse around the decision to have kids is pretty shallow ("can women have it all" and all this sort of bullshit) and you have to deepen it and think about your own specific circumstances, how your background and fertility etc are likely to make it easier or harder. Also the focus is always on babies but they don't remain babies very long - what do you feel about older children or having adult children, is that something you want in your life?

FWIW and obviously I did have kids so it's different but I'm 47 now and the broody phase that I hadn't experienced by the time I was doing IVF at 35 has not materialised yet and with the menopause round the corner I doubt it ever will. I'd do anything for my kids though but that's because they're my kids who I've looked after since they were babies. There was no epiphany. I feel like the same person I was before kids (possibly a bit grumpier!)

I know we*re supposed to be answering the writer but your post could have been written by me a few years back: When I got married at 29, the last thing I wanted was kids: I had a high paying job, frantic social life and had no intention of leaving that oute to be stuck at home with nappies: That changer overnight with the wedding ring1 We went to Spain for our honeymoon = the kind of country where women spend more money on lacy frocks and prams than on food: I was actually smiling at Mums in the street and gawping; Like so many huge wishes, that was not to be: 5 years of agonizing sterility treatment, ending up with clinical depression, no fun left, sick of the job the giving up trying and starting a gruelling adoption from South America: 10 days after saying goodbye to the gynie; I was back at his surgery to show him my blue test: To cut a very, very long story short, I had my frst son when I was 37, collected my 2nd son 3 months later, gave birth to my daughter 7 months later then my husband had a hicccup and the nanny had my 4th child: My point is that how you feel about having kids is one thing, liking kids in general; the way you see them impacting your life can change drastically throughout your life and however good they make you feel one day can go topsy turvy when they let you down in an eyewink: I spent 8 1/2 months of my pregnancy on my own and totally manic: Only found out 7 years later that I wasn't depressed, just seriously bipolar: at that stage I set off to join my husband in Africa: I had worked up until 2 weeks before my first son's birth but in Africa I had nothing to do except look after him, then them and I didn't have postpartum blues; I had serious boredon: I never knew that babies do nothing but eat and sleep and : Living in Africa I had nannies (2 per kid) cooks/cleaners/gardeners/drivers/security guards and more: My only role was the milk machine! I was bored out of mymind and I was driving my old man spare: I had nothing to talk about: Phoning abroad was virtually impossible, no TV, no Marmite - living Hell ! So back to work with avengance: PA in a Womens' Rights organization, running English-language debates with o University Students: Nasty new 'friends' asked if I didn't miss spending time with the kids but I was getting all quality time with them in the pool, sitting at table 3 times a day: I was a totally better Mum wearing the two hats - getting o the end of this monologue, I was 100 anti for 29 years, 100 percent for ever since: 3 of my 4 kids don't ever want kids: They are 38/40: 2 because of the Planet, one who can't afford it and loves her job too much, The first 2 are seriously considering adoption because those kids would have been on the planet anyway! Sorry about the length !

Nantescalling · 04/08/2023 06:51

Yalta · 02/08/2023 10:23

I think you are too self absorbed to have children. You are wasting your life looking for guarantees and thinking of the What Ifs

You either want children or not. But if you decide not and you say your dh does want them then you have missed the What if dh leaves to have a family of his own.

I think you should take a look in the mirror at someone who has no qualms about dissing a total stranger who came innocently looking for advice on a very, very life changing matter ! Nothing helpful in your posy, sour grapes maybe?

Nantescalling · 04/08/2023 06:58

Pinkitydrinkity · 31/07/2023 07:14

I don’t think everyone knows if they want kids or not tbh, also I think people do change their minds.

But really it sounds like you don’t want them but are feeling guilty about that.

Like pp said, if you did want children the decision would be easy and you would have had them by now.

I think that's it, in a nutshell !

Nantescalling · 04/08/2023 07:04

marblesthecat · 31/07/2023 07:17

"I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead."

I'm sure you're not an awful person but I think it's unlikely children will make you any better. I'm very impatient and intolerant and now I have a child I'm not more patient or tolerant, I'm just inflicting it on another innocent person. I obviously do try to hold my temper and if I end up snapping or being grumpy I apologize to DD and explain that I just get stressed and it's not her fault but I feel constant guilt.

It sounds like you just think it's the done thing and you might regret it rather than actually wanting it.

This is nothing to do with the author - I am more concerned for you - there is something positive about recognizing your failings like that - lots of people can't or don't - I hope you can turn yourself around ! https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm

Stress Management: How to Reduce and Relieve Stress - HelpGuide.org

Overwhelmed by stress? You don't have to be. These stress management tips can help you drastically reduce your stress levels and regain control of your life.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.htm

Nantescalling · 04/08/2023 07:06

My motto in life has always been "when in doubt, do nothing" !