I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

You clearly don't want kids OP and that's ok. You seem to be trying to convince yourself to do it anyway because you think society expects this of you. That way lies misery for all involved.

It's simply not true that nobody ever regrets having kids, there's just a massive taboo around admitting that. The warning signs are there that you may feel that way, and it would do damage to you and the children.

There's nothing wrong with you for being unsure or ambivalent, I was the same for years. In the end I just never felt that desire to have a child, and I think unless you really want it you shouldn't do it as it's utterly life-changing.

A lot of your post is about you and what a baby might do for you. Worried about being old, improving your anxiety, making youna better person. Dont have kids for these reasons.

Fyi, being a mum makes you tired and stressed, not the best version of yourself, and sometimes that's hard to see in yourself.

But not particularly helpful to the OP as she also needs to consider how she would cope with difficult adolescents or adult children who are just selfish takers, unfortunately I read about many examples of this on MN every day.

And also know a few examples in real life unfortunately.

Fyi, being a mum makes you tired and stressed, not the best version of yourself, and sometimes that's hard to see in yourself.

So bloody true 😫

I don't regret a single moment of emotional or physical labour I've done for my kids but I resent every single thing I've been obliged to do for the PTA. I feel like once you become a mother there is a downgrading in your position in society to general lackey, with your spare time up for grabs for every CF who wants a cake baked for their fete. I send my DH to any school meetings now as they never try and guilt trip him into manning the tombola even though he only works the same hours as I do!

Having children was the best decision I ever made; being a mother has made me a better person and I love my two to pieces. However, it's also a huge responsibility and hard work. Not something I'd recommend unless you're extremely motivated.

Only if you let it, surely. I’ve never done a thing for the PTA, other than baking the odd cake, and donating raffle prizes. Other than that, the only thing we’ve had to do was to point out to DS’s old school that when we put DH’s name as first emergency contact, it was because he worked from home three minutes’ walk from the school, whereas I worked FT in the nearest city. The parents I know who are most involved in school management, volunteering etc at DS’s current school are all men.

If you’re not sure then don’t have them. It’s not fair on them. It’s a massive commitment and it’s hard work, you should be really committed if you’re going to do it. If you don’t mind me saying, your reasons seem to be all about you. What about the kids in all this? Don’t do it.

I was in the same position and really it’s an impossible question because you can’t answer it, any no one else can either. And either decision leads to completely different lives, and we don’t know which would be better for us.
In the end I went for it, and I’m very glad I did. I had a child when I was 40 then another at 41. But this is with the benefit of hindsight.

I was on the fence for many years, having DD via IVF in 2022 aged 33 (she was born 2 days before my 34th birthday). I suddenly got "the urge" in 2020 during the height of the pandemic. On reflection, I think a lot of this was to do with how life was at the time, although I'd always seen myself having children.

I love DD with all my heart, but Jesus, it is HARD. I have a demanding job too, and trying to balance everyone's needs, including my own, is the most difficult thing. We've had health problems with DD too - nothing life threatening, but enough to make me even more grateful that it isn't life or death because the NHS is in such a state. Maternity care is shocking, support for new parents is nonexistent, A&E is a mess. Routine referrals take months - we've been waiting 6 months for a referral to the paeds allergy clinic for a suspected anaphylactic allergy. No sign of it yet.

The economy. Climate change. The state of education. None of these are getting any better.

The physical and mental graft every single day can sometimes feel intolerable.

We are one and done for all of these reasons. Although we still have 2 frozen embryos and knowing that these will likely be destroyed eats me up every single day.

It's okay not to want or have kids OP.

I sort of feel like 10 years of no decision is a decision. I hope I don't sound flippant, but you come across in your posts as if you don't particularly wants kids, but are trying to convince yourself you should have them in case you regret it later. I'm in a not entirely dissimilar situation myself so I sympathise.

It sounds like you have a lovely life and in your case, I'd probably veer on the side of not having them. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide! 🙂

That could happen (child wanting parties), but children are very often just like their parents. Genetics and upbringing both contribute to that.

it sounds like you don’t need to worry about your dh missing out - he’s happy to go with what you want, so he prob doesn’t have a desperation for kids. Re grandchildren for your parents, that’s probably not something you should factor in to your decision.

if you enjoy your life, it may be worth keeping it as it is.

If you are going round in circles after 10 years of trying to decide you probably don’t want kids. I suffer from anxiety and don’t even like children but had a real visceral need to get pregnant from around 29/30. Had babies at 33 and 36. They were poor sleepers and both have some SN, one has ASD the other dyslexia. It’s hard work and the worrying never ends. I can hand on heart say I don’t regret having them but if I hadn’t absolutely wanted them I would really struggle.

I looked at your list of concerns.

1. Planet, war and burden on resources - too big a concern to influence this decision. Park it.
2. Not giving parents grandchildren. - Not your concern. You don't have children for them.
3. Husband will miss out - this is valid. Consider carefully. If he really want children and you are on the fence, find out how hands on he would be. What reassurance does he bring to your concerns. Eg would he take child to parties?

4.worried about being a widow. - That's not going to be good with or without a child. No reason why there's any more risk of it with a child.

1. Messy - depends how much. Unless your house is a complete state, it's fine.
2. Migraines - your husband or mum would care for child or you'd muddle through. My friend gets them and has managed with 3 children. Not easy though.

7.Family unit - it is good

1. Bad family - what you say is true but there's no reason why you would be a bad family.

So if you are looking for reassurance that you would be a good parent and it will be fine, there is every reason that it will be. A lot of your concerns are overthinking and you shouldn't let it stop you. Have confidence! However, if you don't want to and these concerns are actually excuses, then you don't need to justify yourself to anybody. Again have confidence in your decision. Either way, it is time to decide.

Honestly, being a parent has drained me in more ways than I could ever imagined and I (currently) don’t have any physical or mental health issues. My advice would be not to do it, enjoy your life as is.

Think I'm the odd one out judging from the comments I read but my anxiety has improved tenfold since I've had my baby. Or maybe what I was worrying about before (my health, parents health) just pales in comparison to worrying about my child. But I do feel stronger mentally as I feel like I need to be brave for him. I might feel differently when he's older as I'm sure all ages come with their own set of concerns.

Totally agree. It's not about you, it's about the child.

" I feel like I'm being arrogant to just ignore this massive part of the human experience."

Arrogance means an over-exaggerated sense of one's own importance or abilities. So how is NOT having a child arrogant? Surely is the opposite, it's being humble to recognise you don't have the abilities or desire to be a parent.

"I want to be a better person" - so do that anyway, just don't put pressure on a child to facilitate your personal growth

"I have terrible social anxiety". Fine, but a child isn't therapy. A baby won't fix you and it might well make it worse, meaning the child suffers too.

"Worry about old age" - children are not an insurance policy you call on in old age to stop you being lonely or vulnerable.

All your 'What if's' are valid. They could happen. No one should have a child without thinking about these (though many do).

I too was ambivalent for years and had a husband who would have made a good father but who left the final decision to me. In the end we split up in my late 30's (not about the kids issue) and I ended up without childen as I was never going to have them on my own. I'm now really happy with that outcome for lots of reasons (from the global to the personal). It's normal to occasionally ponder what the 'road not travelled' would have been like, but I don't have regrets.

OP thank you SO much for this post, I've never met anyone IRL that feels EXACTLY the same way I do - you're as close as it gets!

I also have recurrent miscarriages and am currently undergoing fertility doctor advice and possibly treatment but I keep asking myself why?

I am so ambivalent about this and the longer fertility issues go on the more I think I should quit while ahead but something keeps making me continue it.

It's honestly making me feel like is so scary and crap it's like a big weight and burden weighing on me.

Part of me feels relieved if the fertility doesn't work and then I can move on.

My god, what insane advice. Literally no guarantee on earth that they will either want to or be able to look after you in later life, what a horrible, selfish reason to have children.

I wouldn't in your shoes OP, there's enough people in the world as it is, I'm encouraging my DC's not to have children, climate change is going to turn our world upside down tbh

If you are ambivalent, then don't. Enjoy a fabulous child-free life. It must be nice for those who genuinely don't want them, just to get on with a life of travelling and eating out and late nights... enjoy it. Have a fabulous life!

That sounds great. I think it probably depends where you are - I've moaned at length about this in other threads but I live abroad in a place that I wouldn't have guessed would be any different to the UK in these things, but it's more like the UK 40 odd years ago. There are very few full time working mothers. It's my biggest regret about not staying in the UK.

The only good reason to have a child is because you want a child. Not for someone else, not because society tells you should, not because we are conditioned to believe that womanhood=motherhood.

You don't want a child, and that's ok.

'But everyone says it's the greatest joy imaginable'

No, everyone most certainly does not. There are regular threads on here from women who had children and have spent many years feeling resentful and wondering what the fuck they have done

You say you feel it's a huge gamble - that's because it is. You don't like children, don't really know anything about children, have massive health concerns of your own. Parenthood is not something you should be sleepwalking into, or taking a chance on

And please do join us over on the Childfree MN board - you will meet plenty of women who chose not to have children for all sorts of reasons

I was very unsure about having kids. My partner didn’t feel strongly one way or another and I put it out of my mind until early 30s. Both professionals, worked long hours and did fun things in spare time. Looking back I think moving city and the death of a close family member made me think more about the direction I wanted my life to take. We have a fairly big kid now and it was the right decision for us. But now I look back and can’t work out how we ever made such a big leap - I think I’d be frozen with indecision now. I think this about most decisions in my past. It is a massive decision to take and it impacts your life so much. Also, on your comment about how you felt during previous pregnancies, my pregnancy was planned and wanted and I still panicked after positive test. This is not uncommon reading the threads on that here. I think your anxiety is muddying the waters here. Are you taking medication and/or getting talking therapy. If I were you I’d plan to 1) get a treatment plan for managing anxiety 2) talk over the specific issues with a therapist 3) write a list of all practical issues 4) see if I can work on any of those so you say I’m messy can you come up with a plan for that. Then having done what you can with anxiety and having mitigated as much as you can any “failings” you see that prevent you having a child, ask yourself what you want. As in, as best as I can tell at this moment, and being kind to myself if ultimately I make a decision I regret, do I want this and do I think I can make it work and be happy? Anxiety by definition makes you over worry and can limit what you do and therefore how happy your life is. You do not need kids to be happy. Kids may make you unhappy. You don’t need to talk yourself into having kids. Equally you don’t need to be perfect being to be a good parent.