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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

334 replies

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 06:29

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 31/07/2023 07:45

You don’t sound like you want a baby and that’s okay. Your partner is aware and on board, knows how you feel.

I think you want to want a child for other people, this never ends well.

Theseboobsweremadeforwalking · 31/07/2023 07:48

Me and my close friend have anxiety and are the same age -late thirties. I made the decision years ago not to have children whereas she has had 2. I haven't regretted it yet (in fact regularly feel relief) but she has described having them as torture. She had them because she thought she should/would regret not doing it but every time I see her it breaks my heart because she hates her life now (openly tells me this). In fact most of my friends with kids tell me of strains on relationships and mental health etc and say you should only do it if you really really want to. I mainly decided not to because I have sleep issues and it wouldn't be safe for the child (have had hallucinations in the past from sleep deprivation) and a lot of my friends have said the sleep deprivation is the hardest bit at the beginning so might be something else to consider. Obviously this decision is very personal, but I feel extremely lucky to be a woman at this time and place where its possible to have a true choice.

KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 07:51

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 07:37

Personally I think if you're not sure, you should just have them. Most women I know regret it later if they don't and when they're old they will be glad they have children to keep them company and look after them .

This is appalling advice OP, please ignore it.

coeurnoir · 31/07/2023 07:52

But everyone says it's the greatest joy imaginable so I feel like I'm being arrogant to just ignore this massive part of the human experience

Like everything, there are moments of joy, but mostly it's dull drudgery, especially in the early years. I had mine young and had them because I was married and it was the next thing to do. I don't think either of us thought much about it and if we had, we probably wouldn't have had them.

Neither of mine will have children themselves. My daughter because her eating disorder has left her infertile, but she always said she never wanted them anyway. Her dreams are to travel and have adventures. My son because he's just not interested in children and didn't really like being a child anyway. His dreams are to open his own restaurant one day and be a Michelin starred chef. I know people say they can do all of that with a baby, but it's 100 times more difficult.

I had dreams of being a scientist, working in different countries and making important breakthroughs. But I had kids instead and ended up leaving research as it wasn't family friendly.

AlanJohnsonsBeamer · 31/07/2023 07:57

Having a baby has been highly anxiety inducing for me. I am already anxious and it's definitely heightened that.

However, I have taken to parenting really well and I love my DS. I wouldn't change things but I'm so glad I waited. With time my nerves have calmed and I actually feel more confident in myself in general now.

If you do decide not to, you can foster or adopt at a later stage if you feel comfortable too. But being child free is a fabulous choice for many. I have a friend who loves her own space, it works perfectly for her.

I won't be having another baby but DH and I are looking into fostering in the next 5 years to see how things go.

SGsling · 31/07/2023 07:58

I would also say don’t, it sounds like you think you should want to, and your instinct which you are trying to silence is saying “Noooooo”.

I would also say don’t underestimate the negative impact having a parent with social anxiety has on a child.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 31/07/2023 07:58

I didn’t realise what a witch I was until I had kids so don’t do it just to make yourself a better person ffs 😂

LGBirmingham · 31/07/2023 08:00

Hi op, having children is really hard work. Especially the first year. Although I'm only 2.5 years in and it has hot easier already and will likely still. It's also an absolute joy in my life too. And a ball and chain at times. Sometimes I long time on my own, then I get that time and I miss my son.

You asked how you would care for a baby with a migraine. Sadly you would just have to regardless. That's the hardest thing about parenthood. You have to delve really deep and find inner resources you didn't know were there and somehow keep on going.

But it is amazing too. Its incredible watching someone grow and learn. The pride you feel is unreal.

goldcheese · 31/07/2023 08:01

It's fine to not want kids and I think it's great if the people who aren't that keen just acknowledge that and don't have them.
There is an expression..."if there is any doubt, then there is no doubt".
i.e. if you have doubt about having kids then that has already answered your question.
It sounds like your husband is happy to continue without kids, so why radically alter your life?

You can't depend on kids when you are old anyway, they might be living far away, be obnoxious or have a condition where they would still need your support.

PenguiInaThong · 31/07/2023 08:02

I had fertility issues and panicked so stayed in a shit marriage and had a child. We're now split and I've done most of it alone. I love my child but it's so boring and stressful doing most of it alone. Honestly it's worsened my mental health 100 percent. I felt society pressure to reproduce and I won't be doing it again!

marblesthecat · 31/07/2023 08:02

I would also say don’t underestimate the negative impact having a parent with social anxiety has on a child.

This. I'm so lucky my Mum has taken her to birthday parties for me so far.

ohfook · 31/07/2023 08:03

Having kids won't make you a better person in my experience because ultimately you're more tired with less money and free time which I have found isn't conducive to being nicer.

Birthday parties with strangers, the school run, baby groups and health visitors coming to your home all do nothing for social anxiety.

My opinion is very skewed because I work with very vulnerable children, but I think the world would be a much better place if people only had kids when they desperately wanted them rather that because of the expectations society puts on them.

anon2022anon · 31/07/2023 08:05

Apart from the sentimental reason of wanting to see your child, you haven't posted a single reason why you are still in the maybe camp.
Can you tell us any reasons why you are still thinking a possible yes other than that and feeling like you should?

For what it's worth, if you have a baby the chances are very high that you'll love it and have a nice life together. But that isn't really a reason (for me) to commit to having one, unless you really, really want one. It sounds like fear is making you not decide either way.

Sakura7 · 31/07/2023 08:05

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 07:37

Personally I think if you're not sure, you should just have them. Most women I know regret it later if they don't and when they're old they will be glad they have children to keep them company and look after them .

This is shockingly bad advice. Totally mindless comment.

How would you know most women regret it?

What if your children move away for work and/or for a partner? Or they just can't be arsed looking after you? Both of those situations are pretty common.

Having children with the purpose of burdening them with your care in old age is a horrible thing to do.

anon2022anon · 31/07/2023 08:06

A session or two of counselling specifically for this matter might help.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 31/07/2023 08:07

KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 06:32

If you really wanted a kid you would have done something about it by now.

Fearing regretting not having a kid is not the same as really wanting one.

Not entirely true. I had my baby at 45. Really didn’t want a baby before then suddenly had an urge. Best thing that’s ever happened to DH and me.

BewareBends · 31/07/2023 08:08

No, as @Lottapianos said, a lot of people spend years in agonies of ambivalence — I did, but finally thought, ‘Fuck it’ at 39, and conceived the first month. I don’t think being ambivalent, or aware that it’s a leap onto the unknown are any indications you are unsuited to parenthood. I’m one of a large family and none of my siblings have children. It wasn’t a good childhood.

However, you sound as if you want to be convinced not to.?

If you discovered you were infertile tomorrow, would you be relieved or horrified?

orangeblosssom · 31/07/2023 08:08

If you are thinking about having kids to improve your own life, then do not have them. Only have kids if you can add positively to their lives.

Gumbo · 31/07/2023 08:09

I also agonized for years about having kids. I had a very happy life without them and didn't like children. In fact, I was relieved when we were told that DH wouldn't be able to have them... It was therefore a massive shock when I became pregnant (late 30s); I didnt really bond with my baby for a long time. I adore him now (teens are fabulous) - but my life would definitely also have been great without him.

In your position I'd embrace not having children, I suspect you'll feel relieved once you've made a definitive decision on it.

BewareBends · 31/07/2023 08:09

orangeblosssom · 31/07/2023 08:08

If you are thinking about having kids to improve your own life, then do not have them. Only have kids if you can add positively to their lives.

But yes, this is definitely true. Babies are not palliatives, and you’ll be the same person you are now, just with a child.

abyssofwoah · 31/07/2023 08:09

I wouldn’t advise anyone to have kids unless they really want to, it’s bloody hard work. You don’t seem like you do. It’s ok not to want that. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person and having kids won’t make you a better or worse person.

TarquinOliverNimrod · 31/07/2023 08:10

LGBirmingham · 31/07/2023 08:00

Hi op, having children is really hard work. Especially the first year. Although I'm only 2.5 years in and it has hot easier already and will likely still. It's also an absolute joy in my life too. And a ball and chain at times. Sometimes I long time on my own, then I get that time and I miss my son.

You asked how you would care for a baby with a migraine. Sadly you would just have to regardless. That's the hardest thing about parenthood. You have to delve really deep and find inner resources you didn't know were there and somehow keep on going.

But it is amazing too. Its incredible watching someone grow and learn. The pride you feel is unreal.

Such a great, spot on post 👏🏼

Auntieofdragons · 31/07/2023 08:11

Your fears are all completely valid. If you get sudden onset migraines that leave you incapable of looking after a child then you shouldn’t ever be left alone with a young child. Can your husband be around for you 24/7 for at least the next 5 years?

KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 08:14

BewareBends · 31/07/2023 08:09

But yes, this is definitely true. Babies are not palliatives, and you’ll be the same person you are now, just with a child.

Show quote history

Having a baby as therapy is just bonkers.

minipie · 31/07/2023 08:14

I'd rather regret not having children than regret having children absolutely agree

I am of the view that if you don’t have an urge to have kids, you probably shouldn’t. You can’t do it based on a pros and cons list. It is not something that makes any sense on rational grounds, it is the biological desire for kids that makes most of us have them.

Of course there are people who have kids without this desire and are very happy they did. But personally, the knowledge that I’d really really wanted kids, and wasn’t happy without, has been all that has saved me from regret at some of the harder stages of parenting.