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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

334 replies

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 06:29

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

OP posts:
yogasaurus · 31/07/2023 07:03

I think if you wanted to, you would have done it by now

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/07/2023 07:03

It IS a gamble.

You dont read as someone who wants kids. I was on the fence because i wanted the "whole package" and would never have had a child alone/without strong financial cushion.
As soon as we were married we started trying and i was pregnant in less than a year.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 07:05

Canisaysomething · 31/07/2023 07:01

If neither you or your sister have chosen to have children, is there family history that has influenced this? Not saying you need to have children but that are there additional factors making the decision hard that you haven't appreciated?

Our parents were kind, thoughtful and diligent. It genuinely just seems to be genetic in us that we don't feel the urge. But everyone says it's the greatest joy imaginable so I feel like I'm being arrogant to just ignore this massive part of the human experience.

husband is good. He does all the laundry etc. But maybe he won't always be physically capable.

Having a teen scares me too!

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 31/07/2023 07:05

Every single thing you've posted screams DON'T DO IT at me! I think it would be a terrible mistake.

Original poster
ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 07:06

Also parenting seems so much harder than when I was a kid. Parents are under such extreme pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 07:07

LindorDoubleChoc · 31/07/2023 07:05

Every single thing you've posted screams DON'T DO IT at me! I think it would be a terrible mistake.

Tbh this certainty feels calming, thanks

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 07:10

But everyone says it's the greatest joy imaginable so I feel like I'm being arrogant to just ignore this massive part of the human experience.

But it can also be the biggest heartbreak. The highest highs, the lowest lows. Are you prepared for both?

Franticbutterfly · 31/07/2023 07:11

You don't sound like a Mum, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's not for everyone.

SunnySun1 · 31/07/2023 07:11

Also don't want to say my age but a lot of people would not want kids this late

You mentioned that one of your biggest worries is that the baby will have additional needs. I'm guessing you are in your late 30s. From your mid 30s, your egg quality declines which makes it more likely that you'll have a child with disabilities and/or SEN. Sperm quality also plays a part too. You don't sound like you want a child and that's fine. I have one and she is my world. However, I have always wanted a child and pregnancy, childbirth and parenting are hard.

Pinkitydrinkity · 31/07/2023 07:14

I don’t think everyone knows if they want kids or not tbh, also I think people do change their minds.

But really it sounds like you don’t want them but are feeling guilty about that.

Like pp said, if you did want children the decision would be easy and you would have had them by now.

RaceToTheMiddle · 31/07/2023 07:16

I really think that you should be as sure as you can be before having kids. It’s not like you can send them back if you change your mind!

I’ve got 3 girls. 14/11/3. It’s bloomin hard work, but I am fortunate to be in a very 50/50 relationship where housework and childcare comes into play.

I have seen probably hundreds of posts from women about men who don’t pull their weight and then the children are basically their responsibility. And women in real life RUN Ragged from being the main organiser/cleaner/administrator etc…

My youngest child is with my 2nd husband. We planned her but I could easily have been resentful of this. Just got my life back after the other 2 etc… I am 40.
But my husband is properly my partner so we share it all.

I get to go to work, have lots of hobbies. Even go on holiday on my own. This makes family life really nice as I get such a good balance.

I have said to my daughters do not feel you have to have children, you may actually get a more fulfilling life without!

marblesthecat · 31/07/2023 07:17

"I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead."

I'm sure you're not an awful person but I think it's unlikely children will make you any better. I'm very impatient and intolerant and now I have a child I'm not more patient or tolerant, I'm just inflicting it on another innocent person. I obviously do try to hold my temper and if I end up snapping or being grumpy I apologize to DD and explain that I just get stressed and it's not her fault but I feel constant guilt.

It sounds like you just think it's the done thing and you might regret it rather than actually wanting it.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/07/2023 07:18

KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 06:32

If you really wanted a kid you would have done something about it by now.

Fearing regretting not having a kid is not the same as really wanting one.

This.

Cassetta · 31/07/2023 07:21

It is well established that mothers are less happy than women without children (in the day-to-day sense) but have more sense of meaning. This is on average across a population. But I think this tells you everything you need to know about having children: daily life can be hard, especially if you are carrying all the domestic burden or working a lot, BUT having a child gives you a huge sense of purpose and meaning. I would consider whether this is something you want/need or whether you have sufficient meaning in your life from other sources.

amidsummernightsdream · 31/07/2023 07:22

You dont sound like you want kids. Stop trying to convince yourself. It’s one of the hardest jobs, just dont do it unless you really really want one

Dukeydo · 31/07/2023 07:25

Everything about it says no.
You don’t have children or in my mind shouldn’t because you are lonely or want someone to ‘look’ after you. I don’t expect this.

Caprisunny · 31/07/2023 07:26

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 07:05

Our parents were kind, thoughtful and diligent. It genuinely just seems to be genetic in us that we don't feel the urge. But everyone says it's the greatest joy imaginable so I feel like I'm being arrogant to just ignore this massive part of the human experience.

husband is good. He does all the laundry etc. But maybe he won't always be physically capable.

Having a teen scares me too!

Show quote history

Everyone doesn’t say kids are the greatest joy imaginable.

and for the ones that do, just because they say it doesn’t mean it’s true or will always be true.

Theres a lot of pressure on women to find only joy in motherhood. The group who say it’s the greatest joy imaginable will be broken down into sub groups

The ones who genuinely feel that way

The one’s who don’t but are trying to convince themselves and weirdly think convincing other people to have kids validates their choices.

The ones who don’t but feel pressured by society to say it and think their kids will be damaged if they don’t

The ones who genuinely believe it, but haven’t
experienced joy at other things

The ones who genuinely believe it when they say it but will also change their minds.

For the ones who do genuinely feel that way, just because they feel that way doesn’t mean it applies to everyone and everyone feels that way. Some people feel the exact opposite and that can destroy a child.

Enoughnowbrandon · 31/07/2023 07:27

There really isn't a question here.
You don't want kids. And that's fine. Honestly, IT'S FINE.

Maybe looking at the childfree board here would be of interest?

drpet49 · 31/07/2023 07:28

KimberleyClark · 31/07/2023 06:32

If you really wanted a kid you would have done something about it by now.

Fearing regretting not having a kid is not the same as really wanting one.

This. Sounds to me you just want a child as a tick box exercise.

AIBot · 31/07/2023 07:31

I felt as you are describing and still did it, because there was more social pressure to have a family then. They are thriving young adults now and I don’t regret having them but I did the bare minimum in terms of parenting and counted down the days until I got my life back.

I mean that I supported them financially and emotionally but still put work first, didn’t join the PTA, or make ‘Mum friends’ to help them socially. If I was in the same position to make this choice today I wouldn’t do it.

justtype · 31/07/2023 07:31

Oysterbabe · 31/07/2023 06:38

Having children is hard work and turns your life upside down. I see so many miserable parents around and it isn't fair on anyone.
Don't do it if you're unsure.

This with bells on.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/07/2023 07:32

Since you haven’t listed one positive about having a child- short of seeing what it looks like and making others happy- I wouldn’t. It’s fine to remain child free.

PerspiringElizabeth · 31/07/2023 07:34

Yeah. You need to really really want a kid. It's ok if you don't. I would advise don't do it. You don't have to, and that's a great thing :)

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 07:37

Personally I think if you're not sure, you should just have them. Most women I know regret it later if they don't and when they're old they will be glad they have children to keep them company and look after them .

Rainbowx90 · 31/07/2023 07:45
  • But everyone says it's the greatest joy imaginable so I feel like I'm being arrogant to just ignore this massive part of the human experience

Honestly, people say this to try and convince themselves. As a mother you're constantly looked at with a magnifying glass, being judged and scrutinised daily.
I have two children and I absolutely adore them, I never wanted children and if I could go back in time I wouldn't have had any. The amount of things they've both had to deal with in their short little lives is unimaginable and nobody prepares you for that.
As someone who has felt like you do now I wouldn't have children. You can't miss what you've never had and parenting is a full time job, mentally, physically and emotionally.