I've spent nearly 10 years trying to decide whether or not to have a kid

[ForestGoblin]

I think I must be the weirdest person on the planet. Everyone knows, right? But not me. I want to want kids. Been pregnant a couple of times but even then didn't feel any resolution. Mostly panic but uncertainty then relief then sadness.

Don't enjoy the company of kids but then they do say it's different when it's your own.

Husband would make a lovely dad but he says it's my choice and we already have a loving life together.

I want to be a better person and I think children could make me that but what if it made me bitter and cruel instead.

I have terrible social anxiety. Maybe it would make me strong for them. Or maybe I'd mess them up.

Worry about old age but know we're fundamentally all on our own for that.

A glimmer of me wants to meet "my" baby but a huge bit of me knows this is sentimental.

What if the baby has additional needs.

What if I have a birth injury.

What if my husband gets sicker (he has kidney disease).

What if I don't then at 45 something clicks.

What if I get bored. Either way.

Life is just so scary I hate it.

I had PTSD and severe anxiety due to that. Having kids has helped me face and manage it (along with meds and therapy). Went from selective mute to now hosting birthday parties and going to play dates every weekend. It's helped having an in built social circle with play groups, school parents etc.

If she had no desire for children, it’s doubtful she would have been mulling it over for ten years. There is an internal conflict within the OP which she has described in great detail and given her terrible social anxiety and rather obvious nothing but anxiety about having children; I personally think that seeing a professional to talk things through would help her arrive at a decision herself without it being a decision made for her due to crippling anxiety or societal pressures to just pop out babies.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children, but OP definitely does have anxiety as she disclosed to us. It would be wrong to ignore that she suffers from anxiety and pretend it is having no impact on her thoughts or decision making capability.

Anxiety affects all decisions when you have it, and for a decision as important as do I want children or not it is unhelpful for you to suggest she needs no professional help at all to navigate it. She’s struggled for ten years, she is 33, at what point should a person seek help? Childbearing age doesn’t go on much longer, and if she doesn’t get help now, when should she? When she’s 40? Is ten years struggle not long enough for you to admit there may be a bit of a problem here?

You know what's crazy? I genuinely thought I only had quite specific social anxiety but looking at this thread i wonder if it affects me more broadly than I'd realised. I have always thought I'm just an overthinker (I don't think I tend to have irrational worries?) but maybe put the weight in the wrong places. Actually I have adhd which my initial diagnosis said was comorbid with anxiety so God knows why this realisation is happening only now.

I think I could be a good mum in theory .I absolutely agree that they didn't ask to exist so they have to come first. But i don't have a lot of the skills other people take for granted (keeping a tidy house!) so easy to say maybe harder to do.

Having read your posts, I would say you come across as too much as an overthinker and worrier to have a child - that being said, it's not the be all and end all..
I find as a parent you have to make instant decisions, think on your feet, there is no instruction manual for these little people.
I am not sure I can see you confidently navigate a scenario where you would have to have an instant reaction instead of having time to process/think. For example, I was in a shop the other day, DD ran away from me and I was part way through paying for something, I literally had to chuck everything and chase her before she ran out of the sliding doors and into the road!
It's scenario's like this.
It also turns your life upside down having a child.
Have you thought about scenario's like:

What if your relationship doesn't work out and you become a single parent and you have to navigate a court battle?
What if you lose your job and have to claim benefits to get by?
What if your child has a disability and you have to navigate appointments around work?
What if your child is a poor poor sleeper and you're navigating life on less than 2 hours sleep every single night?

You sound like you like a prescribed way of life whereby nothing comes at you and derails you, I have to assure you that having a child and the journey that takes you on very much derails your life in a way.

With this update I'd recommend you reach out for some counselling.

There are also lots of ADHD parenting support groups that you might want to look at. ADHD can make some aspects of parenting more difficult but can also have some real positives as well.

In the end you might decide not to have kids but at least you'll know you've fully explored it and it's not your anxiety influencing your decisions.

If she had no desire for children, it’s doubtful she would have been mulling it over for ten years.

Actually it's not that uncommon when society tells us that we're somehow lacking/defective if we don't want children. That we're depriving grandparents of grandchildren, that we're depriving husbands/parents of fatherhood. That the decision to not have children is something to be regretted, analysed, unpicked and preferably fixed, like some form os psychopathy.

The day when women can say "I don't want children" and the answer is simply "ok" , that's the day when an internal conflict can be taken at face value.

Another thing - what if I got a child I didn't like? I observe that some people get a person they really get along with while others don't. Friend competes with her husband for late shifts to avoid putting their children to bed because neither of them like the kids much (she has told me this). It's so sad!

OP, could you think about getting your fertility checked, which may give you some reassurance (or not) that you still have some time to decide, if you wish.

That said, we can never truly make the 'right' choice and be sure of the outcomes, life doesn't work like that. You will likely have regrets no matter what choice you make. Have you had counselling to work through some of your anxieties?

I feel bad for people who struggle to make the choice, I never had the urge so just always knew I didn't want them (I suppose in the same way that some people 'just know' they really want them, and barring a few random 'aw, that would be nice' wistful moments, I don't regret not having them.

My sister on the other hand always knew she wanted kids, has two and would have loved more but circumstances didn't allow it. Our lives and choices are totally opposite, but neither is better or worse, just different.

Whatever choice you do make, you can find happiness and fulfilment.

I was like you OP, completely ambivalent. Babies just looked like admin and totally not for me unless in some abstract way.

Then in the last year (early 30s) I have had a sudden true urge to have them. The feeling is so strong and undeniable. I am very relieved that the “will I won’t I” feeling has gone as that was pretty tiring going back and forth over it.

I’m not sure what I would have done had this feeling never come along.

I wanted a child more than life. I went through 10 years of ivf and eventually got my son.
I'd cut my right arm off for another.
I'd literally have killed for a child.

But it's hard .Parenting is relentless. . My son has addional needs yes but I really think u need this level of desire to be the parent your child needs.
If ur not feeling it I'd say don't.
Enjoy the lovely life u already have with your husband x

Generally the people who mull it over for years are the ones who don't have any desire for kids but are afraid of going against the norm, have a fear of missing out, getting old alone, etc. They've internalised societal expectations of women, but those expectations go against their gut instinct. The people who want kids generally get on with trying to have them, they don't need their choice validated because it's the norm and will be supported.

I'm not downplaying OP's anxiety at all, and as I said in my previous post she would benefit from treatment. But that should be to treat her holistically, not simply for the purpose of this one decision.

I don't think her valid doubts should be minimised as being driven by irrational anxiety. I think the decision to have kids is life-changing and has to come from a place of real desire for that, not having to talk yourself into it.

BTW OP hasn't said anywhere that she's 33, that was another poster.

Exactly this.

Yeah sadly I'm older than 33. It's crunch time, essentially.

You are reminding me of me!

I’ve never felt the urge to have children or to be a mother. I think these sorts of thoughts too, and it isn’t from anxiety, it’s because I don’t want it deeply enough and if I did end up with a child I didn’t like or get on with, or had additional needs, or was really difficult, I know it would make me regret my decision and really bother me. I hope I make sense.

Yes you are quite right when looking at the feminist critique of the socialisation of women in general.

However, we are talking with an OP that has said she has anxiety, and it is extremely rare for someone to have just social anxiety and no other form of clinical anxiety. This is going to directly affect her ability to make decisions.

Relying on generalisations, ignores the OP as the complex individual she is abd while there isn’t much we can do about socialisation, the OP can seek help for her anxiety and that will not only assist her in making a decision, but also increase the likelihood she will not regret which ever way she decides.

I get that too OP.

I was on the fence for years and have come to accept that I just don't have the urge. I also have some anxiety and find life challenging enough as it is, holding down a full time job and keeping up with life outside of that. I know myself that I would find parenting really hard, so what's the point in putting yourself through it for something you're not even sure you want?

That's just my view, obviously it's a very individual decision, but for me I felt a lot better when I just accepted that it wasn't for me and I don't need to feel guilty about it.

At 38 I had a pregnancy scare and I was still terrified of the test being positive, and so relieved when it was negative. That told me all I needed to know.

I wish you well in your decision.

@BillaBongGirl I apologise to you (and OP) if it feels that I'm dismissing her as a person. I actually am not, and my opinion is based on her words and the fact that the main reasons behind wanting to want children seems to be massively guilt for depriving other people of what he could be coupled with some sentimental cliches - unmeasurable joy, holding YOUR baby, old age ,making her a better person etc.

Those "positives" seem more like expectations rather than anxiety. The reasons why , also count a lot more than the reasons why not(which probably are affected by anxiety).

That's why I said what I said, I am looking at the person.

Your thread is all about you. I am not sure it would be good idea for you to have a child.

Yes, generally speaking you are quite right. In the absence of information about the individual it makes sense to rely on population level sweeping generalisations about societal expectations.

It doesn’t make sense to rely on these generalisations and ignore the individual that is the OP in this case though.

I havent implied that her doubts are ‘driven by irrational anxiety’, I have suggested that her informative posts regarding her thoughts and past experiences indicate anxiety may be clouding her judgement and therefore causing her decade long internal conflict. I have recommended OP seek professional assistance for her anxiety which will help her end the interns, conflict, and make a final decision on whether to have children or not.

I don’t think it matters what watershed moment leads people to seek professional help. It’s a bit odd that you think people only seek help when there is nothing in their lives that makes it a priority.

(Thanks for correction on the age.)

It would be unusual you wouldn’t like your own child

Not uncommon though.

I don’t think it matters what watershed moment leads people to seek professional help. It’s a bit odd that you think people only seek help when there is nothing in their lives that makes it a priority.

I didn't say that.

I feel some of the advice here is dismissive of OP's genuine concerns, as though these are unusual feelings to have and must be influenced by anxiety.

We obviously are picking up differently on OP's posts. You see a desire in there for children, which is clouded by anxiety. I see OP expressing why she doesn't want children, and an anxiety coming from feeling that way.

My parents were like this. Well my mum was just indifferent. My dad saw me and my siblings as a burden. But I thought they were abnormal and it was because of their mental issues

Most people who regret their decision to have children still love them.

I don't think that's right. If i weren't aware of the dangers of making a person exist and letting them down I'd worry much less.

I'm not sure having kids can ever be genuinely for their benefit, though.