How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

Also, I never, ever split the bill. Pay for what we've had, or it doesn't happen.

If I go out for coffee with friends, we always buy our own. If in a pub, we'll take turns getting rounds in. I do buy people gifts for birthdays etc

I have never lent a friend money and none of my friends have ever asked me to. The only person who tried that on was a co worker who was very passive aggressive, frittered money away on crap like expensive handbags, high end duvet covers, badly done fillers etc and then kept moaning that she was broke. She kept implying that she thought I was well off and I think she was angling for a loan/gift but there was no way I would ever give money to her, only for it to be spent on cosmetic procedures and crap from QVC (she told me she was addicted to buying QVC stuff).

I generally dont feel comfortable loaning anyone money because I have seen how quickly it ruins relationships and how it often doesnt solve the problem because bailing people out never really teaches them to actually manage their money. Also, the people I know who have asked others for loans were very irresponsible with their money and it wasnt a case of life or death so much as them wanting a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget.

I buy friends a coffee and then they buy me one another time; always buy my round in the pub. As long as we’ve roughly had the same stuff and there’s no clear disparities then split bills in half rather than messing about with whose starter was a pound more or who had a slightly cheaper dessert.

I would lend money but nobody ever asks me really; I think it’s ok as long as it’s money I can afford to not have repaid- would rather not lend it if I’m going to have to chase up repayments and it could ruin a friendship

I always split the bill or we bank transfer each other the difference, but am fairly relaxed about it. Then again, I have about 6 close friends in total whom I have known for years and would trust with my life. I don't tend to socialise much outside of that! If I was having a meal with an acquaintance or something I would be much more cautious. I would never loan money to anyone but one of those close friends, but to be honest I know they would never ever ask.

Also don't give birthday or Christmas presents unless there's a specific party or event, which doesn't really happen these days. We leave it at wedding and baby gifts. I have enough trouble keeping up with my own family's birthdays to add friends to the mix!

I like to think I am socially flexible and that I have a good enough understanding of etiquette to navigate these things.

I don’t drink but would still usually split the bill evenly. However, if someone was very keen to divide the bill then that would be fine.

OP’s attitude is a bit ‘calculator when the bill comes’ for me.

It’s been a long time since anyone borrowed money from me. However, I would eg offer to buy the shopping/tickets for the group and everyone pay me back. But then I know my friends would pay me back.

I’ve stopped being generous with tight friends.

With one friend, I’d get the coffees and say it’s ok, you get it next time. But she never offered to get them.

So now she waits awkwardly for me to offer, and I don’t.

She’s a good friend otherwise and pays for herself in other situations.

With other friends, I would happily pay as I kno they are generous at heart.

I don't split the bill because I don't drink and generally don't order much, so no I won't be paying for someone else's cocktails and 3 courses when I had one course.

Maybe I am tight, but I used to be a people pleaser and it was taken advantage of, now I have to protect my money.

Also as I outlined I will buy someone a coffee etc. If they bought me one, of course. Otherwise I won't.

The problem with paying for people I have found is that it then becomes an established pattern and they expect it. I also used to be a people pleaser and I realised that my generosity was just being taken for granted to the point they just expected me to pay. No more. Sometimes people get angry when you break out of the role they have placed you in (eg the generous one) and its really shown me who my real friends are. I wont pay for anyone any more as I've been burnt too many times.

I'm with you, OP.

My DH and i are generous people and have had both friends and family take the piss to be frank.

Now i "money mirror"
We are very generous with our friends who we can be reciprocal with. Which is nice because i like to give.
With users /oblivious people i pay for my own and/or do free things that dont require cash.
With my inlaws who expect us to pay for everything i went on strike. I planned nothing, i booked nothing, we went for walks and sat about for months. It took 18m but in march they took us to brunch and may a meal in a local restaurant and paid for us both.

I never ever lend money. Never. But give it, yes. I have a friend who is really brassic, single mum. I'm not brassic. I always pay when we go out. However, she looks in on my dog, looks after my kid, looks out for us, is just the best friend. Helped a lot with DD when she was smaller and I really needed a helpful friend (no family around). She's my 'in case of emergency' friend. So a coffee won't hurt me. And she doesn't ask, I offer.

You sound like a miser OP.

In my opinion it's not a nice trait. I'm a generous person and I treat my friends who have less money than me and I'd always lend money if someone needed it. I've always been paid back. You can't take it with you!

All my friends are generous except one and it really stands out. He tries to dodge paying rounds and it's annoying he's a good friend in other ways but I really think being so tight let's him down.

We always pay our own way, never split the bill, whether going out in a group or just with one friend. The only time that doesn't happen is if a friend gives me a lift, then I'll buy them a couple of drinks or buy them a cake, what have you.

I'm quite similar to you now. But then again I don't go out that much and only have a small circle of friends and I have budget carefully.

My best friend and I are on fairly equal footing financially, but even so we're both very hot on it being "fair".

We treat each other for birthday meals but also choose the restaurant given we are paying.

I hate doing "rounds" at pubs. I'll just buy myself a drink before I settle in. If someone offers me a drink in their round I say "oh, count me out. I won't be drinking much as I'm driving and it's easier to keep a track if I buy my own". That also protects me from arseholes who think it's hilarious to add shots of vodka to people's drinks or for my glass to be left on the counter and open to being 'spiked' as they go back to get the rest of the drinks. (I've had my drink spiked before and was bloody lucky nothing happened to me other than locking myself in the loo and then losing the next 3 hours while I conscious.)

Sometimes I'll share a bottle of wine with a friend. If it works out cheaper getting half a bottle versus a glass. Share a jug of margarita etc with a good friend.

Very generous until I spot in being taken for a mug. Then it stops dead. I've a close friend who I've recently noticed does this so she no longer receives my generosity- it's a hard habit to break though!

I usually take it in turns to pay with a couple of close friends. More than two and we split the bill. Rarely just pay for what we’ve had as individuals.

I’m generous with my friends but I think they’re mostly generous in return tbh. One exception springs to mind.

I shopped for a friend who was ill last week, about £30, wouldn’t dream of not just paying for it for them, they’d do the same for me.

I have friends on a variety of incomes.
With similarly well off friends, we are casual, taking it in turn to pay, not counting every penny.
With less well off friends I try to pay more frequently but not every time, and I still let them pay for me sometimes. So just tipping the scales one way.

I never lend money, but I am generous with my friends, and they are generous back. I'm not friends with tight people, but any friends I have who aren't as well off I am happy to treat, or entertain them at home which is always cheaper than going out. If any of my friends was truly broke and needed money I would be happy to gift a few hundred, but not thousands.

I earn enough not to have to count every penny. That takes all the joy out of socialising.

The only group events I go to tend to be work related and set menu plus pay-for drinks at the bar so I offer to buy a round and it all ends up even-stephens in the end, which is just as well because I honestly find it embarrassing doing a calculator-job with the bill.

When I first started work, I used to actively avoid socialising with colleagues when they used to have a "whip" and everyone put in the same amount, because I always drove myself and didn't drink, so I ended up financing everyone else. So after being a mug once, I just didn't bother again as it was too much hassle and faff trying to explain that I'm only on tomato juice.

my friends and family are scattered around the world so that gives me a 'bye' on worrying about cheap tat presents.

I’m generous, will shout friends a meal or coffee but if people take the piss that’s that. I don’t ever lend money (neither a borrower nor a lender be) but have given a lot of my time and the kind of professional advice that usually costs money over the years.

Never really had a friend ask me to borrow money. I did once send a friend a few hundred as a gift when they were in dire straits but that was 10 years ago and they're very comfortable now. Also once gave my friend, who at the time was on a 'local' wage in a developing country working for an NGO, a MacBook air we didn't really use and probably could've sold for £1000+ but again that friend has never asked for anything, I've know her since high school and she is very generous but not affluent as she's chosen to give her life to non profit work.

We do rounds in pubs and split bills equally. Occasionally if one person isn't drinking or has ostensibly ordered a lot less I suggest we split according to what we have had but whenever I do the person who would have the cheapest bill always tells me not to be silly!

I'm happy to split the bill as long as what we do is fair.

If everyone has ordered a main of a similar price and a similarly priced drink I'm not getting the calculator our over a couple of quid.

I don't drink alcohol so if friends are drinking then they'll often split the alcohol between the ones drinking and then the food splits with everyone else.

Usually do rounds or split bills if out with larger groups/friends on similar incomes

With friends who have a lot less money I will try and spend more on them, send treats etc.

If it's a full weekend away with hotels, meals, drinks, activities then we use Splitwise app or one person pays for everything and we all bank transfer at the end.

There is a lot of buying each other theatre tickets, meals, spa days etc. for birthdays so spends are covered in advance

I have lent money to trusted friends, the most was £15k short term interest free to bridge a house move.

Also given money, bought shopping etc.

So far, I can't think of many friends who have taken the mickey or taken it for granted - I do feel very lucky with the friendships I have

Just one, who I rent a house to, and she fell way behind on rent whilst still posting about holidays & days/evenings out. That hurt, but she's back on track now thank goodness

Mostly we all have the same thought that the odd drink here and there over 20/30 years we've been going out will all equal out eventually

Life's to short to be socialising with a calculator for me - but I maybe get it if you have flakey mates!