How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

I buy coffees and am always happy to split the bill. I’ve never been asked to loan money but I would do for my closest friends if they were in dire straights.

I buy my friends a gift on their birthday, value up to £10.
we buy rounds when out for a night out or put a kitty in. We drink roughly the same.

if we’re out for a meal and we all eat roughly the same eg 2 courses and 4 drinks then we just split the bill but if one is only having 1 course and 2 drinks then they pay their own.

I would lend certain friends money as I know I would get it back next pay day. Never done it but I would offer.

my friendship circle is quite small, I don’t stay friends with people who take the piss.

By the way this is not advice or a view on whether you should loan or not but my mum always taught me, only loan money that you are not expecting back. That money is dead to you. If they repay you then I guess it's a bonus. That's the only way you won't get hurt.

That is definitely a good point.

I am happy to split the bill, but I'm also proactive about the choices of food places these days.

I have a friend or two who love expensive places, the wankier the better. Another friend and I are a lot less fussed - so we make sure that a get together has a blend of places we're all comfortable with.

I am quite generous but I know that all of my friends can and will reciprocate.
If I had a friend who accepted my drinks or whatever but never bought me one despite being able to afford to them not only would they not get a penny from me but they wouldn’t be my friend.
I have no issue helping a friend in need but I hate stingy people

I have one friend who’s slow to get to the bar but apart from that friends are usually falling over themselves to have their turn so no one is taken for granted and everyone is happy

its on my mind to make sure everything is fair and I will be first to volunteer to buy if I feel I’ve fallen behind but equally if it’s someone else’s turn I will hold back.

bills are usually split evenly unless there are non drinkers and then their share is adjusted accordingly.

I have one friend who likes to pay just for her and when we’re together just the two of us we do split and that’s fine.

if it’s a big group and people chose to pay for just themselves it can be an issue as often they forget that extra beer or the service charge etc and there can a large sum of unclaimed bill which someone has to foot.

I have one friend who is a higher earner and often treats us. I hope she doesn’t feel taken advantage of.

Never lent money. I’d be wary of the impact on our friendship - and never been comfortable enough financially to write off a debt without hard feelings.

I’d never lend money unless life or death.

Happy to pay for coffee and cake etc, but friend usually does the same so it all balances out.

Happy to split the bill, provided it’s broadly fair (none of my friends drink heavily). If I think I’ve had more or my DC has had something. I must admit it drives me mad when people insist on working the bill out individually where it’s likely to be a difference of £5 or something!

You can say, 'well it's only £5/£10, who cares' but that might be paying for their electricity, food shopping, child etc. You never know.

But that's a pretty silly example. Where would you be with one person having steak & champagne, and you having a sandwich & water?

In the usual run of things, people tend to eat similarly, so splitting the bill works.

With a friend, where there was a difference, you'd expect that to be noted by both you & friend.

It doesn't have to be all about rules - just use you common sense & trust your friends.

We have always paid for our own in my friendship group. We do sometimes split the bill but only if we have all had about thr same - one friend doesn't drink so we don't make her split the bill. We don't do birthdays except 'big' birthdays. On nights out we tend to do a 'kitty' instead of rounds which is fairer. I would say we are all on similar incomes, some a little more than others but not massively.

Oh actually, it can.
As I said in another post, my bill came to £11.95 and theirs £40 at the same restaurant.
There's no guarantee they'll split it next time so I'm not taking the risk. I'm not in a financial position to be throwing about an extra £10 here and there.

Kitties seem a better idea.

If people are drinking and you aren't, obviously their bill will be much higher. They get a starter and a dessert. It's really easy to have different bills.

Yes, obviously, don't split this bill.

I mean, there's no need to make such a fuss. Any decent friend will say that they'll pay the extra, before you've to say anything.

When it's more even, split it.

No need for all the rules & drama about being taken advantage of.

Yes, decent friends will but some won't. Since I've previously been taken advantage of, I will have my own rules and boundaries.

Exactly.. the people who like to split bills don't usually have to worry about money. Meanwhile in the real world, £5 is a big difference.
I'm like you OP, as is everyone I know. People don't pay for friends

I think it’s fair to have your own money boundaries, but it’s a shame to be a misery.

I have friends with a variety of incomes, mine also goes up and down from month to month. I wouldn’t go out if I couldn’t pay for myself and my friends are generally on the same wave length. We split food bills because none of us take the piss and if we arrange a meal out we will all be sharing wine and having a couple of courses. I don’t tend to get in rounds with lots of people, maybe just me and my husband and one other couple, and if it’s someone’s birthday and we are going out for that I will always arrive with a gift!

I’m generous but not foolish, I think.

So I’ll happily split bills in friendship groups where everyone has a mutual respect for each other - which is usually the case! But I would
speak up if someone was massively rinsing a situation with disparate ordering of food and drink, and definitely would point out if someone else had been on soft drinks etc so they didn’t pay as much.

Happy to buy rounds and not worry about the odd disparity, but I’d notice if someone never buys theirs and not carry on with rounds of that was the case.

I split the bill 99% of the time because in general, the people I eat with have around the same amount as me. None of us drink alcohol regularly and all usually stick to 2 or 3 soft drinks.

If out with new people, I play it by ear and if they go through the cocktail menu etc, I just pay for what I had but that has only happened once or twice.

One of my best friends is soooo tight it makes me not want to treat her or even do things that cost money with her. Shame really. But her choice to be like that.

Where's the drama?
Op pays her bill.
Unless you have been on the end of a CFer who always takes advantage, it's very easy to call other people's boundaries drama and quite minimising actually.
My BIl
Always on the make at other people's expense, orders masses of food if he thinks other people are paying, bill split? He takes the tip to pay his own.
"Forgets" " card won't work"
On and on .
It's not drama to quietly pay your own way.

We avoid meals out with him now.
If absolutely pushed, I would order and ask for mine/ my family on a separate bill or go and pay my share and send him up to pay his.
It relies on everyone being fair, if their not then you stand up for yourself.

I think it depends on a lot of factors. One really good friend of mine, due to a critically ill DH has not been able to earn much money over the last couple of years. If I go out with her I will pick up the tab. Another group of friends are in a similar financial position to me and we split bills 50/50.

I don't think I could comfortably go out socially with someone who only ever pays for themselves. For me socializing includes buying a round of drinks for everyone and not everyone except one person

I prefer to avoid "I'll pay this time, you pay next" as I have a variety of different friendship groups and I go out in different combinations with all of them so it would be a nightmare to remember.

I mainly don't mind splitting the bill, but I should caveat that: my friendship groups are very good about going "oh you didn't drink, better knock X off yours" or similar so unless it's within a couple of quid (in which case we don't worry about it) no one loses out.

Picking things up from the supermarket etc for friends again we don't usually worry if it's a bottle of milk or whatever but would just transfer the cash if it was anything else.

That's on the basis everyone is fairly comfortably off.

I am a bit sheltered. My friends are all of similar socio economic backgrounds so I don't have any friends who struggle to settle bills for necessities. Most of them are not ultra high net worth a either. However if I had a friend like that and I knew they were struggling I would like to think I would be considerate of their situation and would pick a place we are both comfortable with and make sure they don't subsidise me. I would feel not feel the least bit annoyed if they did what Ryvitas described given their situation. I hang out with my friends for their company and not for their money? The last thing I want is a nice meetup to make them worried about their water or food or electricity.