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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How generous are you with money in friendships

383 replies

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:34

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

OP posts:

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 08:15

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:13

I'd rather just pay my own. I don't have many friends unfortunately (and no, that's not because I don't shower them with money) I'm a supportive person who always gives them my time. However there is a clear difference on this thread where people clearly have a lot of money to spend, and that is fine, but I don't.
I will take turns if someone insists, but I've had previous instances of a friend just expecting me to pay every time. I know not everyone is like that fortunately but I prefer to be careful.

Yes I think it's very reasonable if you have to watch what you spend. You have to look after yourself first and foremost.

BodegaSushi · 31/07/2023 08:19

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:13

I don't have a lot of money at all. You're trying to convince yourself that that's the only reason why people share/split and take turns. But it's not. I'm on a similar footing to my friends but we're all average earners. We just don't keep score, and as it's always the done thing when we go out, we also would never have one person who ordered 'an expensive streak' and expect it to be split. They wouldn't even order it. It's just the people you and your husband socialise with (a drug addict? )

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 31/07/2023 08:19

Sofasonear · 31/07/2023 07:53

Yes I think you're tight, cold, transactional and unfriendly. But then, considering you have those traits you probably don't care.

Recovering people pleasers often become like that. They impose their dysfunction first by being excessively people pleasing and making everything more complicated for everyone (and yes get taken advantage of by nasty people, but not by nice people).

Then they impose their dysfunction the other direction by being rigid and unhelpful (to everyone with no discernment).

One day you will benefit from the kindness of strangers and realise that maybe the problem is with you.

Acts of kindness come in various forms and do not have to be financial in nature. Some people just take the piss both financially and otherwise and the OP recognising that for whatever reason she has been taken advantage of in the past does not make her tight. I guess if you are one of those people who enjoyed free coffees/drinks and lifts home a sudden change in this status quo probably does come as a bit of a shock.

ghostofchristmasfuture · 31/07/2023 08:20

Lol I would never lend 50p to a friend, I would just give it. The idea of asking for 50p back?! I understand not buying someone a coffee if you're too skint, but otherwise it's quite nice to be generous to friends??

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 31/07/2023 08:21

With some friends I split the bill, but these are friends that I knowarent taking the piss. So we've had debates over who had what, but its like 'i had an extra beer so I owe more' and I'd counter with 'but I had a dessert that you didn't'. So we both try and pay more, so it works out.

However, there are other friends we try and avoid splitting the bill with as they always order more, get the extra side orders, the fillet steak etc and try and split it. It just leaves a bad taste in your mouth!

Original poster

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:21

As I said, I'd give a small amount of money like that no question, but not all the time i.e. every day, because it adds up.

OP posts:

Cakeandcardio · 31/07/2023 08:23

I think I'm the same as you. Thought that was pretty normal. I would split the bill evenly with close friends as it usually evens itself out over time (because we usually all drink or one has a wine, the other a dessert etc) and I know them very well but with more acquaintances, I'm comfortable to just pay for myself as I have been taken advantage of in the past.

Original poster

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:24

It's quite sad that I'm getting some very snippy and insulting answers though not surprising. You carry on as you are, nobody is forcing you to change, I'm just sharing what I do.

OP posts:

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 08:25

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:21

As I said, I'd give a small amount of money like that no question, but not all the time i.e. every day, because it adds up.

If it makes you feel better I've been quite lucky in my career and I don't really need to think about it when I spend money but I'm still pretty stingy. I split bills evenly because I'm too lazy to add up individual items but I never buy anyone anything unless I owe them a birthday present or something. This is even if they give me gifts and free meals.

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 08:26

Spend what you're comfortable with and not just because of what other people on the internet think.

Oceanus · 31/07/2023 08:27

I would prefer to pay for my own period but when I first moved to London it was a bit of a culture shock because people pay everybody a round and then you're expected to pay as well or you'll be seen as a tight arse. It was bloody expensive I mean on my own I'd get maybe 3 or 4 pints, this way I ended up paying for bloody loads. There would be comments about "those people who never buy anyone a drink" and I wanted to fit in.
In other countries I think people get their own and pay for themselves without any issues. Ocasionally I might treat someone but now I just tend to avoid going out to places where I might get stuck paying a large bill. I don't drink so I don't want to find myself in a position where I have to pay for somebody else to get bloody drunk.
People always want to split the bill evenly for some reason and I can't be bothered to get into a argument so I just avoid those type of situations.
The last straw was a friend to whom I paid lunch who literally picked up the money I left for a tip and took it. Yes, you read that right, I paid and she kept the change. After that I was invited to a restaurant where one meal was the price of a meal for 5, I mean people seem to lack common sense imho... I'll meet for coffee but I actively avoid meals in restaurants now.

Original poster

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:27

Thank you.

OP posts:

professionalnomad · 31/07/2023 08:29

It depends on the person
I love spoiling my closest friends and they spoil me in return
Others - am happy to split or pay if its an occasion like a birthday etc

Original poster

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:29

Wow that friend taking the tip was rude :
Yes, rounds can be very expensive. I suppose it all comes down to budget and priorities.
Honestly at this point in my life I'd just rather be a bit tight than taken for a ride.

OP posts:

BarrelOfOtters · 31/07/2023 08:30

WeightInLine · 31/07/2023 05:48

I like to think I am socially flexible and that I have a good enough understanding of etiquette to navigate these things.

I don’t drink but would still usually split the bill evenly. However, if someone was very keen to divide the bill then that would be fine.

OP’s attitude is a bit ‘calculator when the bill comes’ for me.

It’s been a long time since anyone borrowed money from me. However, I would eg offer to buy the shopping/tickets for the group and everyone pay me back. But then I know my friends would pay me back.

This really. Try and be aware when out with our small work group that they prefer a kitty system for drinks. As they think it’s fairer than rounds. But as the boss try and buy a round anyway at some point….usually when the kitty has run out.

I don’t like the calculator approach. Probably paid a bit more than needed to out for dinner this weekend….didn’t have cocktails but friend who want drinking at all had their bill reduced by a lot.

with people I see fairly regularly it works out. And I don’t seem to have many CF friends or friends who aren’t happy with this sort of approach.

one close friend who I meet twice a week for lunch…always pay our own….that works.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 31/07/2023 08:36

I've just realised that a lot of the pubs/restaurants/cafes that I go to here in Australia have a system of ordering food at the bar or by phone using a QR code. So no splitting of the bill needed. Probably to stop people taking off without paying as it's all paid for upfront, but makes it easier to not worry about bill splitting!

By luck the few that I've been to that have a bill at the end have been with 1 or 2 very fair friends.

WimpoleHat · 31/07/2023 08:38

I think it’s a bit of a transactional attitude if you’re talking about close friends; if I meet someone regularly, then one of us will buy one time and the other another time and it all comes out in the wash in the end. But I can see it’s not nice if you feel like you’re being ripped off: I think I’d feel the same if someone was obviously “chancing it”. On the other side of the coin - I never felt quite the same about my in-laws after they’d taken a couple of bits of dry cleaning for my DH and then literally pursued in down the drive shouting “you didn’t give us the money”. They were not on their uppers by any means and my DH was always incredibly generous in taking them out for meals, days out etc. That was a bit of an eye opener.

Original poster

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:43

If we've all had a coffee and a cake or something then yeah, I'd split evenly because it makes sense, it'll be very similar.
However if they've had a steak and champagne and I've had a water and a sandwich then no why would I split, that's ridiculous. Unless I can be certain they would pay mine the next time, unfortunately I cannot so I won't take the risk.

OP posts:

Davestwattymissus · 31/07/2023 08:51

Depends on who it is and our current situations! So for example I went out with a friend last week for lunch - I paid because she is just about to move house and I know is counting every penny. She didn't expect me to, and I have no expectation of her paying next time, we usually split or get our own. Ive also done similar for friends on mat leave or who I know are having a tough time for some reason. Conversely I have a friend who is very well off financially and although we always go in rounds for drinks when we go out, he always insists on buying me dinner.

I don't have any close friendships where it's very transactional / strict 50/50. I do operate like that though with work colleagues or people I don't know that well.

Womencanlift · 31/07/2023 08:51

I think my group of friends are quite sensible in that if someone has significantly less to eat and/or is not drinking then their part of the bill will be what they had and the rest split between the remaining people

With rounds it’s just easier if one goes to the bar. We don’t keep a diary and say it’s your turn but we trust each other that nobody will take the piss so if you don’t get a round in this time typically you get one next time

If I host then I will get the food and drink in, if I go to a friends house they do. Again we will tend to say oh we came to yours last time, come to mine this time

I don’t think I would be comfortable lending hundreds of £s though as been burnt in the past

Womencanlift · 31/07/2023 08:53

I did have a friend once who would never get a round and would always appear just has someone was offering to go to the bar. She would then order a very expensive cocktail. That soon stopped

Shoss · 31/07/2023 08:54

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:50

Maybe I am tight, but I used to be a people pleaser and it was taken advantage of, now I have to protect my money.

This is my exact experience.

When I decided to stop paying for other people one "friend" in particular became very abusive. He never paid for anything the entire 10+ years I knew him, but to this day never misses a chance to tell mutual acquaintances what a skinflint I am. Oh the irony.

cushioncovers · 31/07/2023 08:55

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:50

Maybe I am tight, but I used to be a people pleaser and it was taken advantage of, now I have to protect my money.

This is me. I have got burned in the past by helping people out and have lost money. I'm far more cautious now. I'm more like you now op. Live and learn I guess.

Original poster

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:56

That's awful :(
I was seeing a guy once, I took him for lunch to quite an expensive place and paid the entire bill, and he thought it would be ok to tell me during this date that I'm a cheapskate.

OP posts:

Happyfluffball · 31/07/2023 08:58

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:56

That's awful :(
I was seeing a guy once, I took him for lunch to quite an expensive place and paid the entire bill, and he thought it would be ok to tell me during this date that I'm a cheapskate.

That's a really awful experience. What a rude guy.

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