How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

Hit a nerve did I…. You are clearly in the tighter then a ducks ass crew who don’t tip.

Well I don't want to derail this thread by turning it into a 'tip vs not tip' thread. But as a former waitress and general restaurant staff I'm strongly against tipping.
It's a business' job to pay us. The moment people start tipping that gives them an excuse and incentive to pay less. We deserve our wages for showing up ready to work and working, regardless of whether a shift is busy or not. It shouldn't be up to the generosity of customers.

This is the United Kingdom, there is a national minimum wage, no need for tips. It should be in the price of the stuff you consume.

It's just very sad how people can't share an alternative opinion without having to resort to insults and digs.

@Ryvitas this thread is nuts. I can't believe all these generous and kind people are so quick to fire out the insults when someone has a different perspective. One comment actually said they felt alarmed lol

Yes, and it seems not so much generosity, but a need to keep up appearances.

An OP who said about "money mirroring" upthread has it spot on. With friends who I know and trust, I tend to be more relaxed as I know it either all evens itself out, or they'll be very hot on paying me back if I buy something eg: tickets or petrol to somewhere. However I have had my fingers burnt in the past with a total piss taker and won't be offering my flexibility to them again, as it just got taken advantage of. It really tarnished my view of them as they pleaded poverty but my view is if you can't afford to do it then don't, as it's not fair to other people to fork out for you.

But that wasnt the position you were taking upthread. You were saying that people are so privileged because they don't need to worry about the odd fiver or tenner here and there. No mention about subsidising anyone else.

Of course people shouldn't have to blow their budget to subsidise other people's menu and drinks choices, that would be ridiculous. You were calling people "privileged" just because they weren't having to worry about counting the pennies.

I bought my friend some furniture when she moved. It was second hand but I spent around £150. She needed it and I could afford it at the time. The following year she paid for a weekend away with our kids. We always do this and don't keep a tally.

I wouldn't do this with any other friend. I like to just pay for what I've bought when I go out with friends. I just feel so on edge about "repayment" otherwise. I'm also rubbish with rounds, I hate asking people and getting involved in lists and discussions about splitting the bill.

It's funny the number of people that think the fact that you want to pay for your own bill means you must be tight but like a PP mentioned I really hate the thought of people over paying for me. If I was as casual about a few pounds here and there at each meal out how would I know if it was ME that people were subsidising.

I've few friends where we grab coffees for each other but it's too easy to loose track who's turn it is to do it with a wider circle.

It's funny the number of people that think the fact that you want to pay for your own bill means you must be tight but like a PP mentioned I really hate the thought of people over paying for me

I feel the same. I dont drink alcohol so yeah, sorry but I am not splitting a bill that includes say, three bottles of wine and/or cocktails as well. Its not because I am tight, its just because I dont see why I should be paying that amount of money for something I havent had. Equally, as this poster says, I'd feel bad if I ate a starter, main course, dessert and coffees and my friend only had a salad and I'd never suggest splitting the bill in such a situation because its bloody cheeky.

TodaysNameIsZig
For me it's an outlook that's tight.

I'm teetotal so obviously I don't get involved in rounds at the pub most of the time, but I wouldn't consider myself tight for buying my own drink.

I'm happy to buy a friend a coffee regardless of whether their order that day is £1 more than mine or their latte has a 30p syrup. I know next time they'll buy me a coffee and they're also not going to be twitching at pennies and keeping tabs in reverse. If I'm out for a meal with friends and we've all ordered dishes that's within a couple of quid, I'm happy to split the bill. If I've only had one course and they've had two then they wouldn't suggest to split the bill because they're not cheeky fuckers so I'd pay for my own (and the same in reverse, if I've had a pudding I'd not suggest to split with a friend who had one course). If a friend was short 50p for parking, I'd give them it and certainly wouldn't be keeping tabs that they owe me 50p. I know they'd do the same in reverse.

I wouldn't like to have transactional friendships where I felt the other person was obsessing over pennies and would only offer to get me a cup of tea if I've previously bought them a cup of tea of identical value, or would be keeping a log that over the last 6 months they gave me 50p for parking and then paid 20p more for something. That's a tight outlook to me and I'd not take that approach with my friends.

A tight outlook ripples into other areas in my experience. If I have friends round for dinner and cook for them, I do it because I enjoy it and want to spend time with them. They do likewise. I'd not like feeling like the friend I've invited round was mentally keeping score of how much they think I have spent because they have an obsession with tit for tat penny counting.

Tapasgoofy, Ok, I'll start by not eating out any more. The hospitality industry is dying on its knees with increased costs (that everyone else is facing also). So, using your witless reasoning, fewer people can afford to eat out so they don't.

Best crank open that wallet for lots more shrapnel for your lady bountiful tipping. Watch those food outlets drop like flies.

Aren't you embarrassed by your posts? Every time I read a post that makes me think, WTF?, it's likely one of yours, really slow/dull thinking, if there's any at all?

I agree. Some serious idiots on here.

You can always tell the people who can’t afford to split a bill…. They are the most offended.

YANBU

Hugely important that you draw line so you can feel your friendship is equal and you are being respected.

My lines are not identical but certainly include don’t lend or borrow.

I think the key variable here is the strength of your friendships or even what you define as 'friends'.
Both PP you are replying to and OP have stated that indeed, they have no problem with people whose behaviour they know, but as a general principle = they pay for what they've consumed. Until people have proven their character.
You on the other hand take it the other way around. From your post above and other replies you seem to hang out with a familiar group of people, whose behaviour you know. Not sure what you'd do with new people.
Nothing wrong with that, but it's not always the case.

I personally have a wide social circle. Close friends who I know very well and see regularly. But I also go out with a fair few people I don't know. Friends of friends, family, colleagues, people I've met at events. Some people are part of hobby groups and while I don't like their behaviour enough to consider 'friends' I still have to see them as part of the wider group.

In these scenarios there's always a mix of people, instead of subjecting myself to people's different perceptions of bill-paying I just state upfront that I'll be paying for myself. Despite the opinion on this thread most people in real life do the same. Probably because they are the sort who, like me also socialise widely and not with the same few people, which is why we're all out in the first place.

Also if it wasn't clear for close friends I don't keep track!

I would worry about not keeping track. Just in case I was letting them pay for more without noticing.

I think there is a difference between splitting food bill, buying rounds, paying for someone's coffee etc and someone's actively asking to borrow money from you.

I'd rather split the bill with friends then pay for individual bits, even if they've had stuff I haven't. Nothing worse than having a lovely relaxed meal out with friends and then the bill arrives and someone gets out a calculator.

I'm not even a high earner. I just am picky with my friends to begin with and I then don't mind chipping in.

My thoughts exactly!

And tbh if it's someone I wouldn't pay for then I wouldn't want to be socialising with anyway 🤷‍♀️

I'd not think twice about a coffee or a drink for anyone and wouldn't keep tabs on 'getting it back' unless there was a pattern of a particular person never paying their way.

Dinner depends on the group. I've got one set of friends who eat & drink roughly the same and all have disposable income so we'll split evenly. Another set are different incomes and situations so we pay for what we've had.

Special occasions have special circumstances. I once had an amazing once in a lifetime day out with 3 friends. Two of us by chance had recently come into a bit of money, so we asked the other two to contribute only what they were totally comfortable with, then we split the rest of the cost between us and were happy to. The day wouldn't have been the same for any of us if two of the four were worried about what they were spending. In previous less bountiful times other friends had done similar for me, so I was glad to pay it forward.

For a really close friend that was in genuine need I'd lend money. I'd gift it, if I had it to spare and they were in real dire straits. For friends / acquaintances that are skint of their own making and looking for handouts, different story (I'm looking at you, DH's best mate ).

MyOtherCarisAFerrari
I see what you mean.

I think for me I was thinking the thread was about friends and how generous people are in friendships, not acquaintances or friends of friends, which is why I've responded regarding friendships.

With friends I think a quid or two here and there isn't something to quibble over and comes out in the wash. Equally none of my friends are cf so they'd never expect anyone who has had one course to split the bill with people who had 2 plus alcohol.

Even in the workplace, I'm happy to offer someone a coffee and I'm not going to keep a mental log that their coffee is 50p more than mine. Life is too short in my opinion.

I think being tight is an outlook though and having a very transactional view of friendships tends to trickle out into other areas. My experience is that people who are tight with money also tight in other ways and are always keeping a mental tally in relationships. Personally I couldn't be bothered with that in a friendship.

Once again, not reading properly and massive generalisations..

Once again, not reading properly and massive generalisations..

I see, so people shouldn't talk about their experiences because you have your own hangups from some of your younger experiences.
You asked about people's generosity in their friendships and acknowledged that your approach is something people might not be on board with and probably sounds transactional, but if people say it does sound transactional and share their experiences about tit for tat, keeping count and being transactional with friends then that's a problem.

I've been on both sides OP, i've given a friend a couple of 100 when i had money and she didn't. She didn't ask tho. And i've recently had to ask a friend for a lend of 40. I sent it straight back to her when i got money. I think borrowing/ lending money is a real measure of a friendship in some ways, a real mate will make sure they don't take the piss. This meal is just taking the piss or they're all loaded and pretty inconsiderate/blissfully unaware that some people have less than them.