How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

I’ve given my best friend a cash gift of 4K as she was going to lose her house, I never asked for it back and we’ve never bought that money up in any conversation since, she didn’t ask for the money but broke down In tears on me one day and I didn’t have to think twice, she was very thankful and it saved her from losing her ( and her families) home and I’d do it again tomorrow if she needed help.

When going out we usually split the bill for everything we do but there has been occasions when I’ve bought friends meals as thank you’s for supporting me through different difficult periods of my life and they in turn either buy me food/ drinks or usually send me little thank you gifts

With my friends, we usually pay for what we eat/drink. On occasion like birthday, I will usually pay for the birthday person and my friend reciprocate for my birthday. I have lended money to one friend but not the sum she wanted, I lent her what I could afford to lose, she was in a financial bother and knew despite her claim, I will not get the money back.

We don’t any more have friends who expected to be paid for.
When I see my own friends we split the bill, or pay for what we have.

But there was a couple we used to stay with where the bloke - an old friend of dh) had almost invariably ‘forgotten his wallet’ and would ‘settle up when we get home’ but very rarely did. He’d then be unable to find his wallet and would get his wife to give us a cheque, which we never paid in, because we knew how tight he was - he’d never pay her back.

He’s gone now, and (for other reasons too) I can’t say I was ever sorry.
Dh is over-generous and didn’t mind picking up the tab, but even he got fed up with it eventually.

Tight people are the pits!! And what I can never understand is how on earth their behaviour doesn’t embarrass them.

When we go out for a coffee or snack we take turns each time to pay we all have roughly the same order . If it's for a meal, we would split the bill. The restaurants usually separate it for you these days which makes it easier.

I think the CFers do some mental gymnastics to justify it.
There are always threads on here where my mum, sister etc have more money than me, so they are meeean, nasty if they dont give it to me.etc.
I am financially stable, save and lead a quiet life,I just don't talk about money with friends and relatives anymore.
Might be seen as rule driven but after BIL and his antics it's the best way.
I could write a book about his CFery, it's breathtaking.

Split the bill, buy rounds, lend money. I have one best friend, a friend and the rest are family. We all do the same. Same goes for if we all go out for a family meal which means there's about 25 of us. All the men will split the bill regardless of how many courses each person ate or what they drank.

If I were very well-off I'd be happy to help friends out who really needed it. But only friends who really deserved and we're really struggling.

Were*

Also, another thread but does someone with a drug problem deserve no friends? The asking for money is wrong, but he doesn't deserve to be friendless just because of his problem.

I don't have friends who I don't like or who will take advantage of me because then they wouldn't be friends, so I'll happily split the bill, don't care if I pick up lunch on the way to visit a friend or something and pay for it myself, happy to put money in for drinks and not demand at the end of the night I get £5 back because I had one less round or whatever. If I was struggling with money then I would be able to say that to my friends and explain I would only pay for X, but honestly I cba sitting around a table with a calculator for the sake of saving a few quid. None of my friends take the piss, if anyone orders something markedly more expensive they volunteer to cover it. When I was pregnant I was told off for attempting to pay an equal share of a night out with friends cos I wasn't drinking and handed money back! I think that's how normal friend groups work, really.

Maybe think about why you're actually friends with people who are cheeky fuckers.

OP, I like your style. I love it when everyone pays for their own things. It's so straightforward and easy to remember. There are a couple of friends where we are casual about who buys coffees, cake or parking but generally I much refer to buy my own.

I'm fairly well off so the default opinion of some people is that I should happily pay for everyone all the time but I dislike doing that because people take the piss and it annoys me.

I don't split bills in restaurants. I've made it normal in my friend group. It's so much easier. We never have an issue with the restaurant either.

Outside of normal spending on coffees etc I can be more generous but that is my decision. I go to see groups, shows or to the theatre and often buy a couple of tickets and then ask a friend to join me. I make it clear that it's my treat. I genuinely don't want anything in return either so will split parking and drinks as normal.

Maybe people think it's a bit odd to be happy to gift expensive tickets but not want to buy coffees but it's my money and it's what I want.

I'd never get into some of the situations that lots of Mumsnetters get into. It can be a little awkward to talk about money but it's a million times easier than not talking about it and people feeling hard done by.

My 4 kids are adults and in all of their friendship groups it's normal for people to pay for themselves.

It's so easy to transfer money to other people these days too so there is no need to owe anyone money or to be owed.

It depends which friend it is. I have a couple of friends where we just kind of have a running rota of 'oh you paid last time so I'll get this one' for coffees or meals out but at the same time these are friends that if we are having a tight month we are honest with each other and say I'm skint can't afford to do anything that's not free this week etc and there's a respectful understanding between each other. Other people who I know are freeloaders I wouldn't say anything and just ask for a split bill as I know it would never be reciprocated. I would say I was way more generous when I was single with no dependants because I could hold back on other things for myself if I wanted to she'll out and treat friends but now with more bills and dependants and joint money with my husband I wouldn't be as generous as its not just my money.

Most of the time when out we just split the bill. Unless one has had alcohol for example and the other(s) haven't then they chip in more, but we don't scrutinise what each had.
With my closest friends I may treat them every once in a while and they do the same for me. We are all in similar financial circumstances however. If anyone is feeling the pinch they just decline the invite or may suggest a cheaper venue, but we are mindful of that anyway so tend to go out to reasonably priced places.
I don't go out to drink (like at a pub) but if at a cafe with counter service I'd offer to get anyone a second cup of coffee for example. They would do the same on another occasion.
As for lending money - I don't have masses spare but did 'lend' £1000 to a friend who was starting up her business, fully accepting that she may never pay it back.
I've only once felt a friend was taking advantage: we were away on a holiday and in the last few days she suddenly didn't have enough money to pay for things, but still suggested we go out to x, y, z then once there would say things like 'oh I've not brought cash' or say she'd forgotten her wallet. So I'd pay thinking she'd get it next time but then same story. We earned the same and she had access to an ATM. I think she had just decided on a budget and we'd gone past it but she didn't want to miss out, rather than that she genuinely couldn't afford it. Funnily enough she now is the one friend who does not offer to treat - if we do anything together involving money she will ask for the money to be transferred and is up front about how much something will cost- like the taxi to a venue for example. This is fine as I know she likes to do this and I suppose it makes it that there is no ambiguity. Another friend may just wave it off or say you pay next time, but I respect her way of doing things so am fine with it.

I'd say I'm on the generous side when it comes to spending money on friends. Happy to offer my card to pay for coffees/drinks/the odd meal etc, rather than have the faff of splitting the bill or ordering and paying separately. But I never keep tabs on who paid for what, or expect anything in return, because it's my choice to do so. If money was tighter, I suppose I might be more prudent.

This is me, too.

And because money is tight I don't do certain things eg lunches (will have a coffee instead) or I'll think ahead about where I can afford to go.

Great that you are not bothered, most tight fisted people are not bothered either, that is their prerogative but then they would have to understand that a lot of people wouldn't be bothered with them either as a friend. Meanness for meanness sake or tit for tat to the last penny would be a deal breaker for me in a friendship. If someone genuinely does not have it that is different but depending how good a friend they were I would probably shout them if they were good to me in other ways. Not everything is about money and keeping score.

Well, obviously what you do with your money would be up to you, but my friends and I just aren't like that.

We buy rounds, split bills, treat each other and don't really keep tabs on whose 'turn' it is to pay for coffee or a bottle of wine or whatever. None of us are really bothered if, on an evening out, we buy one more round than someone else. Nobody's keeping count. We just assume it all comes out in the wash one way or another.

None of my friends have ever asked to borrow money off me and none of my friends are the kinds of people who use people and take advantage of other people's generosity - I wouldn't be friends with them if they were!

I grew up in a family that wasn't especially well off, but it was always impressed upon us that generosity was important and being the first to offer to get a round in was good manners and probably a matter of actual honour! Same as always offering to feed people, having a well-stocked drinks cabinet so you can always offer people their favourite drink, etc. I get that not everybody is like that, but I'm from a working class Londoner background where being 'tight' was just about the worst thing anyone could be. It's not uncommon in my family for actual arguments to break out over 'Let me get this! No, let me! Put your money away, I insist!' conversations when the bill arrives in a cafe.

I went out with friends recently. I got there early, and had a cocktail. Nobody else wanted one when they arrived, so I paid for that separately, then we split the bill. Thinking about it, if I hadn't and we'd added it to the bill, it would have added less than a quid to everyone else's tab. Which, considering the meals we had varied from 10 to 17 quid made practically no difference to the overall cost. I'm not saying they should have paid for my cocktail. Just that when you divvy up a bill it usually works out pretty fair.

I’m generous with likeminded friends, but tight with others. There are a few CF’ers in my circle of friends and family and I’ve learned to be tight back.

One person told me they forgot their purse in a coffee shop, then when I offered to pay for her coffee, decided she and her DD hadn’t had breakfast and ordered a whole load of drinks and pastries coming to about £20. Never again!

What an amazing friend you are.
The world needs more people like you xx

Paying for what you have does not require getting a calculator out unless you are a bit dim. It's very normal these days, Plenty of restaurants are set up for it now too.

The thing is with only paying for what you have is that it means you don't end up with people having to pay because of what you've had. I'd hate for someone to end up paying because I wanted a second drink. Everyone paying for themselves is simpler. It's not to do with being mean.

A drink can easily be £10-£15 these days so the difference between peoples bills can end up to be a lot. I want to order whatever I want without anyone else ending up paying for me.

I'm generous in lots of other ways.

Yes, I have noticed that when I've visited people in more well off areas there doesn't seem to be that same attitude. When I go back back to my home town (very working class) everybody is keen to get a round in.

I'm not surprised she never brings up money with you. If she was actually a nice friend she would have discussed it with you and seen if you would like it to be payed back slowly. That's what a real friend would have done.
You could have turned it down but she should have at least offered and not just once. She has taken advantage of your kind nature.

If you were in her shoes would you have never mentioned it again too?

Did you miss the part of my post where I said it was a gift? And she also knew it was a gift!

Don’t judge people unless you have walked a mile in their shoes

I'm in the reciprocal taking turns with friends where it's roughly even and you do it a lot, and where there are bills to be split with others we do account for who had what roughly but not at a get the calculator out level.

Im generous with gifting money to family but I rarely lend to family or friends after some bad experiences where the relationship never recovered. Gifts and friends mix, loans and friends never IME.