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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How generous are you with money in friendships

383 replies

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:34

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

OP posts:
Nevertouchakoala · 31/07/2023 09:32

It all comes out in the wash I find, so last night my friend and her husband shouted me my husband and our two kids and their two kids to dinner, we went out against today I shouted breakfast. But there’s not expectation on either of us to do this. But we both have money so neither would think it’s a big deal to pick up lunch/dinner… I’d taken her son out that day and paid for him etc… it all comes out in the wash I find.

i understand your view though if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it!

Shoss · 31/07/2023 09:34

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 08:56

That's awful :(
I was seeing a guy once, I took him for lunch to quite an expensive place and paid the entire bill, and he thought it would be ok to tell me during this date that I'm a cheapskate.

Your guy and my former friend sound like they could be the same person!

Nobody needs people like them in their lives.

beamss · 31/07/2023 09:35

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:36

Also, I never, ever split the bill. Pay for what we've had, or it doesn't happen.

I can't bear this

BewareBends · 31/07/2023 09:37

Generous. I’m not wealthy, but I loathe penny-pinching unless the person has no means at all. I will usually pay for lunch, coffee, drinks with friends.

I think it’s more culturally acceptable in the UK for groups eating out to spend a lot of time calculating everyone’s spend to the penny. People from my culture would rather pay the lot.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 31/07/2023 09:38

Years ago, I was poor AF so I would just pay for my own.

Now I'm in a better position so I'm happy to pay for more, and I do.

If I see a top or something I think would look nice on a friend, I'll get it for them.

beamss · 31/07/2023 09:38

LolaSmiles · 31/07/2023 06:43

I'm happy to split the bill as long as what we do is fair.

If everyone has ordered a main of a similar price and a similarly priced drink I'm not getting the calculator our over a couple of quid.

I don't drink alcohol so if friends are drinking then they'll often split the alcohol between the ones drinking and then the food splits with everyone else.

Agree. Take the alcohol off and split between the drinkers. Then the rest of the bill gets evenly split between everyone.

I don't eat meat but still split evenly with people who order steak, for example. Can't be bothered with everyone paying for exactly what they had, faffing over the bill completely ruins the evening

EarringsandLipstick · 31/07/2023 09:41

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 09:18

Yes, decent friends will but some won't. Since I've previously been taken advantage of, I will have my own rules and boundaries.

So maybe hang pot with the 'decent' ones & not the others?

I don't disagree with your points, at all; but the idea of having rigid rules is unappealing.

U2HasTheEdge · 31/07/2023 09:42

Sometimes my friends will buy the drinks/ food, and sometimes I will. I'm happy to split bills, or whatever really. It all evens out I guess and depends on what we can afford at the time. I wouldn't lend a friend money, if I had it I would give it to them. Not that I have any friends who ask.

I don't have much money, but I am generous by nature. I don't have friends who would take advantage now.

I did have one friend for many years and I would often shout her breakfast, or buy her drinks if we went out. I had her child here often and took her out etc. Then one day, I was £1 short of buying my child a drink at a fun fair as I didn't have the cash on me, so she gave it to me. She then asked me to bank transfer her the £1 when we got home. She is no longer a friend. Not just for that reason, but it was a contributing factor.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/07/2023 09:44

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/07/2023 09:23

I’m generous but not foolish, I think.

So I’ll happily split bills in friendship groups where everyone has a mutual respect for each other - which is usually the case! But I would
speak up if someone was massively rinsing a situation with disparate ordering of food and drink, and definitely would point out if someone else had been on soft drinks etc so they didn’t pay as much.

Happy to buy rounds and not worry about the odd disparity, but I’d notice if someone never buys theirs and not carry on with rounds of that was the case.

This is a good approach I think!

I'm similar. Money is actually very tight for me at the moment. Therefore there's many things I can't do. However I'm still happy to offer & pay for a coffee, often this won't be paid back due to the infrequent pattern of meeting up. I'm ok with that.

PuffedWheat · 31/07/2023 09:47

I mainly split the bill with family/friends although I find ‘treating’ someone to be more the norm. We tend to meet up around big events (promotion, engagement etc) and then if I’m with a group we tend to treat the person who is special that time around (the one who got the promotion etc.)

Some of my friends are on mat leave and I know things are tight so if we meet for lunch, I normally settle up at the end and don’t split; that sort of behaviour is reciprocated when it’s my birthday or something.

I’ve been lent thousands by a friend (paid back) and lent thousands to another (paid back) and never questioned it. Maybe I’m lucky or foolish - can’t really decide.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink so we are mindful to remove alcohol costs if splitting that bill, but otherwise I wouldn’t examine if people had 2 vs 3 courses or more drink than me when splitting.

No one I know only pays for what they have - rounds seem to be the norm and I don’t think I have ever walked away from a night out feeling cheated.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/07/2023 09:47

@Denimdreams

I have experienced CF. Financially things are very hard for me at present, so even a lunch out would be unaffordable.

It's not the decisions that OP is making that I disagree with. It's the approach, all rules-driven, and anticipating poor treatment by people she regards as friends.

I would go by each case - like PP, someone who behaved like a CF, I'd be unlikely to meet again. Someone else, I wouldn't notice if I'd paid for coffee more than once.

KohlaParasaurus · 31/07/2023 09:48

The last person who borrowed money from me -£25 for a meal out with a group because he'd forgotten to go to a cashpoint and it was cash only - never paid it back. I married him a few years later 😂

Interesting that nobody on the thread admits to being the person who has the lobster and the champagne by the glass and the five espresso martinis and expects their skint friends who just had soup to subsidise their meal. Sometimes I'm the person with expensive tastes and I'll make a point of putting in extra if the bill is split.

I don't get the calculator out in cafés. My social group tends to be like, "My treat!" "No, I'll get this, you can pay next time." But there have been times in my life when being relaxed about paying for someone else's coronation chicken wrap in a café would have meant having porridge for dinner for the rest of the week so I appreciate that not everyone can afford the luxury of appearing generous.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 31/07/2023 09:50

I'm quite generous with money but so are most of my friends, so it evens out. While I don't keep track of exact sums, it never feels one sided so that helps. It's also not about it being like for like. So I gave x £££ as a gift or because of a tricky situation she might then give me all her daughter's old clothes(some unworn and with tags on). Or I buy lunch in London and Y pays for me and DD to go to an attraction with her and her kids. Or I paid for Z to go to a spa with me for the day, and she came to stay over with me for a week to help me recover from surgery and look after DD. That all counts.

Eltonjaunice · 31/07/2023 09:50

Nah thankfully myself or none of my friends are tight fisted. I cannot bear meanness in a person. Horrible trait to have. Nit picking and dissecting a bill with a calculator would guarantee I never went out with you again. There’s not being able to afford something and then there is miserliness for miserliness sake and I cannot deal with the latter.

LintonIced · 31/07/2023 09:54

I have a given rule with my mum friends that we just split the bill equally in half when we go for a sit down breakfast/lunch in a restaurant, irrespective of whatever is ordered - (apart from alcohol obviously!)
If I go on a McDonald's trip after school with mum friend and a friend of my daughters, we just que up and get our own.
Same with play dates to the zoo/parks/trampoline parks etc - we just get our own.

TahiniG · 31/07/2023 09:56

We tend to do it so it works out approximately equally.

So I'll buy coffee this time and next time they tend to step in. I'm wary of being over-generous as it sets up a future obligation even if I don't mean it that way at all. Lunch for two we take it in turns and dinner for a group tends to be split equally (but I will say something if one friend has clearly had much less than everyone else and I will definitely pay extra if I've clearly had extra). Splitting the bill equally when friend A has had one veggie main course and a diet coke and friend B has had 2 cocktails, best part of a bottle of wine and three courses is clearly taking the piss.

whumpthereitis · 31/07/2023 10:03

I’m cautious, although personally my friends are generally in a similar financial position to me. When you have money you can find people can gravitate towards you in order to take advantage, with the expectation being that because you can afford it it’s unreasonable and miserly of you to not pay. I’ve seen people fall into that trap with ‘friends’ (and those types are not friends. They resent you for having money whether you spend it on them or not), and I have no intention of doing so myself.

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 31/07/2023 10:04

It amused me when I was working in various Scandi countries where the default position is for the waiter to approach each person around the table with their individual bill on the card machine. If someone wants to pay for someone else then no problem they will just adjust the bill on the spot.

Tapasgoofy · 31/07/2023 10:06

beamss · 31/07/2023 09:35

I can't bear this

Show quote history

Nor could I. I’d be cringing over calculating the bill to the penny.

Fairymother · 31/07/2023 10:07

Close friends: with small amounts (coffee, a drink etc.) I usually just pay and then they pay next time. It usually evens out and if it doesnt i wouldnt know because i dont calculate it.
Meals out we just split. Too much faff to calculate each item especially when going with lots of people.
Other friends: just split half half even with small things unless its a self serve thing where its easiest to just pay your own.

coodawoodashooda · 31/07/2023 10:09

Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 05:34

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

We'd be good friends op. I'm the same.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 31/07/2023 10:11

BrightLightTonight · 31/07/2023 09:28

I think it depends on a lot of factors. One really good friend of mine, due to a critically ill DH has not been able to earn much money over the last couple of years. If I go out with her I will pick up the tab. Another group of friends are in a similar financial position to me and we split bills 50/50.

I don't think I could comfortably go out socially with someone who only ever pays for themselves. For me socializing includes buying a round of drinks for everyone and not everyone except one person

See I don't get this. If you're in a group of say 6 people, I would very rarely drink 6 alcoholic drinks in one evening. So either I spend a hell of a lot more than anyone else by buying a round for 6 people but only having 2 drinks, or I end up not paying anything at all. Especially if it's a group with changing dynamics or frequency.

I have, in a larger group (15 odd people) bought a bottle of wine and shared with one or two others who want that wine, and that has been reciprocated back, not necessarily by the same people. But no bloody way am I buying for 15 people....

Original poster
Ryvitas · 31/07/2023 10:11

Honestly 'elton' I'm not particularly bothered. We each have our own approach.
If I were on mat leave and literally didn't have a penny to spend then I wouldn't be meeting friends for lunch knowing they'd pay, I'd be suggesting a park or a walk. I don't get why people do that.

OP posts:
Denimdreams · 31/07/2023 10:11

EarringsandLipstick · 31/07/2023 09:47

@Denimdreams

I have experienced CF. Financially things are very hard for me at present, so even a lunch out would be unaffordable.

It's not the decisions that OP is making that I disagree with. It's the approach, all rules-driven, and anticipating poor treatment by people she regards as friends.

I would go by each case - like PP, someone who behaved like a CF, I'd be unlikely to meet again. Someone else, I wouldn't notice if I'd paid for coffee more than once.

Op has explained she is a reforming people pleaser though so this obviously works atm.
Paying your own way is fine.
I'm financially extremely well off but I'm not being taken advantage of by BIL anymore, friends we take turns.
Perhaps Op will relax it a bit at some point but paying your own way is fine by me if that's what someone prefers.

PinkIcedCream · 31/07/2023 10:12

I don't buy rounds and I won't split the bill when eating out because;

  1. I don't drink alcohol
  2. I don't generally eat that much when out and
  3. I can't afford it

I got fed up of people getting pissed or scoffing expensive menu items at the expense of others when I was younger, so I'm much firmer now and always make it clear before ordering that I'm only planning to pay for what I consume.

My BIL tried it on when we had a big birthday family meal a few years ago and I'd already made clear I was happy to contribute to the birthday persons meal costs and my own because I knew some of the others would be necking the booze as usual.

I ended up paying an equal portion and felt livid as I really couldn't afford to. I'd deliberately chosen cheaper items and not had a dessert or any booze. I'd even organised the whole bloody thing FGS!

Thankfully, my lovely sister stepped in and passed me £20 in cash when we were leaving the venue saying she thought it was unfair that I was expected to pay an equal share when I'm on a low income and the rest of them are rolling in money. (100k+ salaries)