How generous are you with money in friendships

[Ryvitas]

Inspired by another thread.
I will likely get criticised for this, but if I go out for a coffee or bite to eat (on the very odd occasion) I will pay for my own, I won't pay for my friends'. I don't like letting others pay for mine, but if they absolutely insist, I will make sure I buy theirs the next time. Otherwise, I will just pay for my own, and let them pay for their own.
I don't buy rounds. Again if someone's bought me a drink I will buy them one, but I won't otherwise.
I don't tend to buy them gifts unless it's an event like a wedding or a new baby.
I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly.
It probably all sounds very transactional and harsh. I believe I'm a supportive friend, but I refuse to mix money with friends.
My partner has a friend who's addicted to drugs and constantly asks them all to borrow money.
I've had several leeches in the past who always forgot their wallet and it's always 'oh I'll pay you back'.
Too many people who like being paid for.

I hate bill splitting as I feel like someone always loses out. A friend told me to look at it like that's the amount you are paying for the night out rather than the amount you are paying for your food.

Cafes we tend to get our own. I don't do pressies unless there's an event but I do cards.

I’m happy to split the bill, my friends don’t take the pee when ordering and if one of us is driving we’ll take the wine out of the equation before splitting. I’ll treat friends to lunch or a coffee and I’ll be treated in return. I don’t have a problem if someone wants to pay their way, I have one friend like that and you know where you stand with her. She is thoughtful and generous in other ways which ultimately I suppose is what is important to me with friends. I’m generous and I’ve not been taken advantage of so I’ll keep paying for the cinema or get an extra theatre ticket and invite a friend that might fancy coming. Usually they’ll pay for the parking or drinks beforehand but it’s not expected. I love my friends and I’m happy to share with them and the feeling seems to be mutual as it probably works out evenly between us. When you say I would never lend a friend money unless it's a life or death situation, or an absolutely desperate situation.
Something like 50p ok, but not regularly
I think you need to lighten up a bit. Do you want the 50p repaid? If I’m getting a sandwich from M&S and a colleague asked me to pick them up one too I would tell them don’t worry about it when they asked how much they owe me or if they haven’t got the right money I’ll just say ‘don’t leave the country’

I'm very generous with friends. I am not great at keeping track, so I'd always rather accidentally pay twice in a row than not stand my round. I don't have a lot of money, so it's only things like coffee in the park, or the occasional couple of drinks out. I love my friends and I like buying them a coffee or a glass of wine. My friends all operate the same system and usually we're arguing about both wanting to pay.

I'm also super generous when people come to my home, and I love putting on a meal and having plenty of wine. When I go to dinner I take flowers and wine and chocolates. It's a way of showing friendship, I think.

I recently got back from a mini-break and I bought a little bar of soap for each of my girlfriends who I'll be seeing in the next week or so.

I can see how the system would fall down if someone was a cheeky fucker and took without giving, but so far it's never happened.

There is one friend in my friendgroup who is significantly wealthier than the rest of us by a long way. It makes me cringe that everyone just assumes that she'll pay for everything. I treat her the same as all my other friends and take turns with coffee and stuff.

If we stop for coffee, drinks, anything under around £20 then one of us just pays. We don't keep track or anything like that.

If we go for a meal we always split the bill, regardless of what is ordered.

I'm very generous with friends and often treat them to little things I see whilst out and about that I know they'd like. My friends are the same.

It depends. People I don't know well or colleagues probably pay our own way. A group of close friends I'd split the bill. It's mathematically interesting to see how very little difference to each contribution there is between doing complicated "I had the salad, she had no pudding" and just splitting. And I'm happy to pay a couple of quid more to avoid the bistromathics.

I have never ever paid for other people unless I specifically want to give them a meal as a present for something. They wouldn't expect me to either so I haven't given it a second thought. Having said that I have accepted other people paying for things for me. Little things like drinks and coffee and sometimes a meal here and there.

I prefer paying for my own but feel under pressure to take turns. I find the bill section of the evening the worst bit! It is because I usually order much less than other people as I don't drink, so every time the bill is split I have to either pay more than my share or start a conversation. If it was swings and roundabouts I wouldn't mind.

No one has actually asked me to lend them money but I would say no if they did.

Yes I think you're tight, cold, transactional and unfriendly. But then, considering you have those traits you probably don't care.

Recovering people pleasers often become like that. They impose their dysfunction first by being excessively people pleasing and making everything more complicated for everyone (and yes get taken advantage of by nasty people, but not by nice people).

Then they impose their dysfunction the other direction by being rigid and unhelpful (to everyone with no discernment).

One day you will benefit from the kindness of strangers and realise that maybe the problem is with you.

I’m generous with money around friends but they are back. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who would quibble over 50p or borrow money and not pay it back.

I have never lent money but have been asked.
I prefer bill splitting
I have however bought lunch, coffee if I invite people out. Did recently with a newer friend and I said you can get it next time. I will not pay again for both of us.

I paid for dinner for six people last week but it was DH birthday and the other 5 were all younger relatives.

I have actually paid for food when out with relatives quite a bit over the years but I am considerably better off than them.

I only go out with people who I’m very good friends/family with - people who I love and trust. So I’d very happily split a bill regardless of whether they’ve eaten/drank more than me and i don’t know anyone in real life who wouldn’t do this? Same with the bill for coffee, surely? I would feel awkward asking the waitress to split a £7 coffee bill in two, I’d much rather pay in full or friend and then whoever didn’t pay gets it next time?

As alluded to already I tend to be generous with people who have displayed similar traits in the past and I don't just mean financially. It could be providing a lift, helping move house or clear out a garden, looking after pets while people are on holiday. Yes I buy rounds and split dinner bills evenly but that will only be with certain people. I'm in my 40s now and have been stung too many times from people just taking the piss with either my time or my money. Some folk are just 'takers', I don't care if they are self aware of this fact or not but I can't be arsed with it anymore.

Pretty much always split the bill.

Will always get someone a coffee if we’re out and equally friends buy me so overall it averages out.

None of my friends would ever ask to borrow money.

I never split the bill as I want to pay for what I ate and drank, especially if others had expensive steak and alcohol. If I've had a lower cost meal and no alcohol then I don't want to subsidise others. No one has asked to borrow money but I wouldn't lend any to friends. I buy birthday and Christmas presents for my closest family and friends.

Very generous, unless I notice it’s being taken for granted.

I think depends on the friend. Your husbands druggie friend wouldnt even be in my life, let alone near my wallet.

To me, it's about wanting to reciprocate generosity of spirit. Two examples:

-a friend treats me to a lot of coffees as she gets a discount and is always dropping off spontaneous little gifts to my child who she adores. So i like to spoil her back and always (try!) to pay for lunch. Because we are close friends and want to do nice things.

• rounds. I dont drink alcohol but I dont want to be a tight arse so I'll always offer my turn at the bar (which is pretty much a blue moon). So far, without fail, everyone has said something like "dont be stupid, I'm not going to let you pay for that when you are only having a squash."

Decent people do decent things.

Yes I normally split the bill evenly and think nothing of it. I stopped drinking in the last year after being diagnosed with a gluten allergy and I am ok with the arrangement even if others drink. However I have this one uni friend who once chased me for 5p for using some of his soya sauce (with his permission) when I ran out and was cooking dinner for the whole of our flat years ago. He used my eggs and milk and cereal whenever he pleased and never offered to reimburse me before this incident. I make sure if he gets an option that is even £1 more expensive that I make sure he covers the difference. I am a petty petty person but I don't feel like I'm capable of changing.

Thankfully all my friends do rounds when we're out. It would annoy me so much somebody refusing to do this, it's just a PITA.

When it comes to meals we tend to just split the bill equally unless there's a big discrepancy like one person didn't drink and another had a bottle of wine.

I'm not cold and unfriendly, you are very wrong in what you say, unfortunately.
It's great to see others are so generous with money, but sadly I don't have a spare 15k or even a spare few hundred to lend friends.
I would split the bill if we'd both eaten very similarly.
However recently the friend's bill came to £40 and mine came to £11.95. so no, why would I split that? That's just me being taken for a ride and them getting a great deal.

Luckily for me I don't have friends like the ones you describe. We think nothing of taking turns buying coffees and splitting bills. If we were out in a group and one clearly had much less than the others we'd take that into account and never expect them to split.

Sounds like you just have shit friends, keeping score is an exhausting way to live.

I give as I get. If a friend buys, I'll buy next time. If they're having a bad time of it, I'll just buy their coffee as a small gesture can speak volumes in support. But I've been taken advantage of a LOT so am very careful about reciprocation.

But, I don't split bills. DH & I are on a tight budget and don't drink so someone asking me to pay for part of their alcohol or expensive meal choice takes from our slim reserves. Splitting can often double our cost.

Also I won't lend any money. It's a recipe for disaster.

See but my friends would split evenly even if it was the other way round. So for me it would even out in the end.

I'd rather just pay my own. I don't have many friends unfortunately (and no, that's not because I don't shower them with money) I'm a supportive person who always gives them my time. However there is a clear difference on this thread where people clearly have a lot of money to spend, and that is fine, but I don't.
I will take turns if someone insists, but I've had previous instances of a friend just expecting me to pay every time. I know not everyone is like that fortunately but I prefer to be careful.