In-laws and my new sister-in-law

[RozDoylessister]

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

Churches are a free for all when it comes to the service, although it’s a bit rude if your in laws to turn up with a 10yo when they knew your brother was after a child free wedding.

It’s very very common here for neighbours, extended family and the likes to turn up for the church ceremony so if it’s the same where you are why is your brother surprised?

Are he and his new wife regular church goers? My BIL’s ex was horrified at the fact anyone can turn up to a wedding, and that churches aren’t invitation only at all, but she wasn’t church going and had no idea that was just the way.

I’m guessing your in laws might be Irish. This would be a usual thing to do amongst my parents circle of friends. You would go to see the bride at the church.
At my wedding, the whole road of neighbours came to the mass to wish me luck, my English in-laws thought it was lovely.
I would explain that they went out of respect and tradition.

Did they just come and drop a card off or stay for the ceremony?
If it's the later I can see why someone would be a bit annoyed as essentially they've turned up to a wedding uninvited and with a child in tow when the couple didn't really want children at there wedding.
If they didn't cause any disturbance then it's not enough to cause a family rift but I could see why it was cause irritation.

Firstly I'd think it was nothing to do with IL if your brother didn't invite children. To say they'd be so upset would be completely off on their part. None of their business.

But, assuming they don't have a habit of trying to wangle invites, I'd think them turning up to the wedding with a present was nice. We had a few of our parent's friends come to ours and we didn't think they were trying to push in.
However, had you said anything to your brother about your IL being upset about no children?
Because if you had, then it would look very pointed they turned up with a child in tow.

No my brother absolutely not a church goer and neither is sister-in-law but her parents are.
I knew that anyone can go to witness a wedding and more pertinently so did bride’s mother and Maid of Honour who just frowned on people using some ancient law to gatecrash. Nothing further would have been in my darling in-laws’ minds.

*their
🤦

Your in laws have done absolutely nothing wrong - churches are open to all so if they didn't want people to be able to just turn up, they shouldn't have had a church wedding.

Your SiL sounds quite awful. And ignorant. If it was a marriage ceremony in a church, anyone may attend. She should know that if she is remotely Christian and not just getting married in a church because it’s the “done thing.”

If neither your DB or DSIL are church-goers, why on earth did they get married in a church knowing that anyone who fancied attending the ceremony could? 🤦🏻‍♀️

They should have had a private civil ceremony if that's what they wanted.

In-laws never knew how upset I was that my brother didn’t want his nieces and nephew at his wedding and neither did my parents. It was my parents who were upset and asked him to reconsider when it turned out her cousins’ kids were flower girl and page.

It would be none of in-laws’ business but they would still have been upset. DH’s niece was visiting them so they brought her. It wouldn’t have entered their minds that they were doing anything wrong. There isn’t s malicious bone in their bodies.

Are they Irish? My parents/aunts etc are Irish Catholics in their 70s. My parents don't do it but it would be so common to turn up to the church to see the bride and in your case it would be to see their grandchildren in all the excitement of the day etc. My husband's aunt in a small village goes to loads of the village weddings in the church with a wee card with money for the couple. No expectation of an invite it's just to wish the couple well as they are neighbours etc.

Someone needs to have a word with your brother and sister-in-law. Maybe your parents. Maybe you. Polite but firm. Anyone can attend a church wedding.

Your SIL sounds awful. Pay no mind, if they get married in a church that’s what they should expect!

Also team in-law here - I think they have been charming and respectful and loving and wanting to show how much your new SIL is connected to their family too. The new SIL and her family sound like precious arseholes. Please reassure your DH he has nothing to be mortified about.

They knew kids weren’t invited and turned up with one
not a lot to say really

If they’re Irish, completely normal for neighbours and people not invited to show up at the church to ‘see the bride’, especially for that generation. It’s nothing to do with ‘gate crashing’ because of an ‘ancient law’.

I’m not sure I follow the relevance of children not being invited.

They wouldn’t have known that kids weren’t (initially) invited. Nobody told them.

Op you ILs did nothing wrong. In fact they sound lovely.
Can we swap?

You brother needs to grow up, you marry in a church it a public event. In fact he should be grateful that they were given a generous gift from your ILs.

Some of my wedding photos were taken in the church, and they show it was full of uninvited people. I thought then, and think now, that it was lovely that they cared enough to make the effort. Tell your DH to be proud, and your sister-in-law to do one.

I wouldn't expect this marriage to last very long if she becomes so arsey over something like this. When a real problem kicks in she'll go into melt down.

They didn't do anything wrong.

Churches are public buildings and anyone can go.

Maybe if non-churchgoers didn't use them for the photo-op they'd know that. (and I'm not a church-goer)

Not just Irish.

Happens in my English village all the time.

People love a wedding!

The bride and groom will get over it.
Your in laws sound lovely.

Your DB and SIL are bloody rude and ungrateful!!!

How lovely for your in-laws to want to wish them well and see them get wed. I love watching people get married, their happiness and the commitment they make.

Bahahahaha in my family they'd have been invited to the wedding in the first place. My moms friends all came to the church to see me. Just tell db "I'm so sorry, I didn't know they were coming, apparently it's a huge Catholic and Irish thing. Who knew 🤷‍♀️"