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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:

Iamtheonwandlonely · 31/07/2023 07:30

They still took the card with money in it.
That's says it all about them really.

ManxRhyme · 31/07/2023 07:33

SIL is being really graceless about this and anyone egging her on is shit stirring. This is so disrespectful to the church, you and your in laws.

FlamingoQueen · 31/07/2023 07:33

It sounds like they were being respectful by showing up at church. What a shame the brides family have blown it all out of proportion. I would just say to the bride that they meant it as a respectful gesture and it’s sad that it’s being seen as a grabby thing. If your in-laws had gone to see the bride and groom but just stood outside the church, that would have been wrong too.
I genuinely don’t think you will ever win this argument, but you know they were being respectful so leave it at that. You are lucky to have such lovely in-laws. Your brother does obviously not have the same fortune!

BorsetshireBanality · 31/07/2023 07:35

Maybe your SIL should have bogged off to the Maldives and had an “insta” wedding.

HelloDaisy · 31/07/2023 07:37

FlamingoQueen · 31/07/2023 07:33

perfectly said!

Mortgageportgage · 31/07/2023 07:44

Your SIL sounds like an absolute prick!

My grandparents used to take me to the church to see the bride all the time when I was little, I loved it! Infact it was encouraged, thr father of the bride would have a pocket full of change and throw it in the air and all the kods would find some coins, we'd go most Saturdays in the summer!

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 31/07/2023 07:44

Your sounds awful. She isn't a church goer, but has appropriated one for the purpose of nice wedding photographs, then bitched because she didn't know the rules about churches being open to everyone. Classic.

LadyBird1973 · 31/07/2023 07:45

It's also pretty rude to want to exclude grooms nieces/nephews. I get why people want child free weddings but family children are different surely?

CoffeeRevelsForever · 31/07/2023 07:49

I think a lot of people who get married in a church have no idea what a church is beyond a nice quaint photo op! You can't exclude children, or anyone else, from a church ceremony or dictate every aspect because its your special day - a church is a community institution. The in-laws clearly came with generous intentions, and I know from Irish Catholic family that they would feel so rude not attending or not giving a gift. It won't have occurred to them that the bride and her family are so ignorant that they would view this the opposite way and see their behaviour as rude.

I wish people would take the time to understand what they're doing when they choose a church wedding! Not just the letter of the rules, but the spirit of the community it serves. It's so graceless to trample all over that in pursuit of your social-media perfect day. Book a private venue if that's what you want!

Riverlee · 31/07/2023 07:50

Not an ancient law. Churches are open to all. Back in the day when you only had churches or registers offices to get married in, it was quite usual for neighbours etc to pop in and go to the wedding. I remember going to one in my lunch hour of a school friends older sister who I knew once.

Epidote · 31/07/2023 07:50

Churches are public and free to go aren't they?
I thought they were and if is that case they have done nothing wrong.

You don't rent the church, if fact the marriage ceremony should be free of charge, although there always a generous contribution towards the church.

In some places people that is not invited at the feast go to church to pay respect, see the family and they are given a token gift or a card to remember the day. Some un invited people even give the bride and groom an envelope with some money in.
I'm Catholic and I ve seen that all my life. I see complete normal what your in laws have done.

They can't banned a kid to go to church, is the house of God, not their private venue. They are no one to banned the niece. Nor your in laws.

Bride and groom are not particularly into religion and they think they can apply their own rules/ secular rules in a temple.

They are the ones over reacting because their lack of knowledge.

They should have done a civil marriage in the rented venue.

Good for your in laws to go show respect.

Cakeandcardio · 31/07/2023 07:50

Bananazebra · 30/07/2023 22:40

Did they just come and drop a card off or stay for the ceremony?
If it's the later I can see why someone would be a bit annoyed as essentially they've turned up to a wedding uninvited and with a child in tow when the couple didn't really want children at there wedding.
If they didn't cause any disturbance then it's not enough to cause a family rift but I could see why it was cause irritation.

But the thing with church weddings is that anyone CAN just come and stay for the whole ceremony. It's not like a wedding in a hotel. OP - your in-laws did nothing wrong. Your sis in law maybe just doesn't understand how church weddings work. It was lovely of your in-laws to come along.

Dombasle · 31/07/2023 07:50

They only turned up for the church service and they gave a generous gift.

What a lovely thing to do.

Your sister in law and her family are uncouth and ill mannered to resent this.

CapEBarra · 31/07/2023 07:50

I have a chorister friend who got married on a Saturday in the church where she normally sings on a Sunday. Practically the whole congregation turned up to wish them well and they invited everyone to the attached church hall for tea, homemade sausage rolls, and tray bakes before heading off to her wedding reception. Church weddings are very much public (and often popular) events!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/07/2023 07:54

So your brother and sister in law have pocketed the £50 but are now bitching about them coming to a public church ceremony? Incredibly petty and crass, I don't know if pointing this out will help because they sound Incredibly self centered.

Ellie1015 · 31/07/2023 07:54

A few people i knew came to church, friends parents i knew as a teen, mum's neighbours etc. It is lovely that they showed an interest. Very generous to give a gift.

Your SIL, brother, her parents and your parents are being ridiculous. Your inlaws were not trying to get an invite and did nothing wrong.

I would say to any of them "it is really common for more distant friends to attend service and lovely of them to spare the time. There is no way they wanted or expected an invite."

Aquaphant · 31/07/2023 07:57

Your SIL sounds awful, good luck to you because I doubt this is the last time she causes drama!

I'm surprised she even noticed your in-laws at the church. I was in a daze at my wedding with people pulling my attention left and right and definitely would not have noticed three extra people at the back of the church, or given a crap if I did.

Enfys1982 · 31/07/2023 07:57

I can’t see what they did wrong. I’ve been and waited outside the church at a few weddings I wasn’t invited to but knew the couple getting married. Years ago when you could only get married in a church or registry office it happened all the time, I’ve got memories going back to early childhood of doing this. Your sister in law is a twat.

SertralineAndTherapy · 31/07/2023 07:59

I had said quite widely to colleagues and not-very-close-friends etc, "Of course everyone is welcome at the church service," and to my pleasant surprise a handful of them turned up. Also an old school classmate, I still have no idea quite how they found out, but I thought it was lovely.

SparkyBlue · 31/07/2023 08:00

Sister in law sounds like a horrible person. Totally normal for people to turn up to see the happy couple. I had young cousins as flower girls and all their cousins on the opposite side of the family all turned up outside the church to see them. So did other random people and everyone admired me and wished us well. I would be 100% defending your in laws on this one I wouldn't entertain any nonsense from your sil.

OhwhyOY · 31/07/2023 08:00

I don't know what's gone wrong with the world that people would take this as some kind of attention/invitation grabbing stunt rather than some lovely people wanting to pass on their congratulations on what should be a lovely day. Surely as the couple if you're doing it right you would be caught up in the excitement and the love that pervades a wedding day so even if you're usually a cynical so-and-so you should enjoy having more well-wishers. As others have said I'd just tell them it was done out of a generosity of spirit and their cultural tradition, and all they wanted was to wish the happy couple the best. And your brother and SIL are miserable twerps.

If you hear any more about it I'd ask if they plan to give the £50 back given how ungrateful they are.

RampantIvy · 31/07/2023 08:03

What would you say to Sister-in-law?

Stop being so ungrateful and up yourself, and return the £50 A church is a public place open to the public. If you didn't want random strangers turning up to wish you well you should ave booked a private ceremony elsewhere.

They knew kids weren’t invited and turned up with one. Not a lot to say really

They didn't know @rwalker

I wouldn't expect this marriage to last very long if she becomes so arsey over something like this. When a real problem kicks in she'll go into melt down.

I think you may be right @Mutinyonthecrunchie

If my sister in laws parents had randomly turned up at my wedding with a child in tow at my child free wedding I would have been irritated.

And I would have been flattered. You need to get over yourself @JenWillsiam.
My parents' neighbour friends came to watch me getting married. I had no idea they were in the church as they left straight after the ceremny. My mum told me afterwards. I was delighted and flattered that they had taken time out of their day for me.

I agree with every word @poppettypop. I don't understand why anyone would be annoyed that someone came to watch them being married. It wasn't as if they were noisy or intrusive. The few posters who would be annoyed need to get over themselves.

Assuming they gave back the 50 quid because they were so terribly upset, right?

I hope they did @Mimtastic

ClairDeLaLune · 31/07/2023 08:03

A completely random woman who no-one knew turned up to our church wedding, wearing a hideous top, and got on one of our photos! We thought it was hilarious, it would never have occurred to me to be annoyed.

And where I used to work, we’d get invited to each others’ evening dos and would frequently pop along to watch the church ceremony.

Your SIL is being ridiculous. Your ILs on the other hand sound lovely.

Choux · 31/07/2023 08:05

Your sis in law has all her favourite people in one place to celebrate her marriage to the man she loves and at the reception (and even the following day) she is focused on the couple she vaguely knows who behaved so generously and is angry they brought a well behaved 10 year old to watch a public ceremony because children were banned even though the couple didn't know this.

For her to still be fixated on this the following day is a sign she is going to be a difficult relative to your whole family. I wish you all luck.

saraclara · 31/07/2023 08:06

I've popped into a church wedding in the past. Now I'm worrying about it.
But I've always understood church weddings to be open to the public and I'm as sure as I can be that there were lots of others there who weren't invited to the full works.

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