In-laws and my new sister-in-law

[RozDoylessister]

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

And that’s no slur against reggae music as I love it 🤣

If she is so appallingly rude as to mention their perfectly normal ,supportive gesture of attending a church wedding, then she needs to give them their very generous gift back.
Church weddings have always been attended by anyone who wanted to go. Not just in Ireland but all over the UK.

This. We had a (very small) church wedding nearly 30 years ago - and a number of people from the Church and one or two other people that we knew, turned up at the church for the Service. I thought it was lovely of them, to wish us well. We are not Catholics or Irish and this was in Scotland.

This fuss is coming from a mistaken idea that somehow your In-Laws gate-crashed their wedding by turning up at the Church. They did nothing of the kind!

Village randomers doesn’t mean parishioners. We used to go to weddings like this when I was a kid and there were also a gaggle of people like this at every wedding I went to as an invited guest in that church. We were not regular church goers and only went to church for weddings and funerals but it was the done thing to go and wish the couple well at weddings of neighbours, children of friends, distant family, colleagues etc. I don’t know why you’re so insistent that it isn’t a thing when person after person has told you it is a normal tradition. It isn’t about being a parishioner, it’s a wider community thing.

My brother in law had a destination wedding and a colleague who was on holiday on the same island with his wife came by to stand at the back of the ceremony and offer congratulations. They were clearly dressed as tourists rather than wedding guests and the couple really appreciated it, it was such a nice gesture for them to take a few hours from their holiday to travel across the island to see them get married and offer congratulations.

Your SIL chose to spoil her day over something ridiculous. And I think we can all be glad about that.

I got married in a small traditional church, and half the village turned up to see the service. It’s lovely, and what communities do.

I'm Scottish and it would be perfectly normal. Especiallyfor that generation and from all denominations. My husband's flat mate's parents drove 90 miles to see us get married in Church. Unfortunately, there were 3 weddings that day and they ended up sitting through 2! They hadn't been invited. They just want to show their respects and share the love.
We were at a wedding in the home counties last week and many of the evening guests came to the Church service too. Along with their neighbours.

Your parents in law sound adorable.
Your new SIL on the other hand......
Had they ever been to a Church before?

Where we live it is very normal for locals/univited guests to go ino the back of the church for the service, your SIL needs to chill and should be pleased univited guests want to see her wedding.

The dinner ladies from my primary school turned up to see me get married. OK, it was a long time ago but I think it's lovely that people want to show their interest. Your SiL sounds horrible. As for objecting to a 10 year old, what did they think she would do, throw a tantrum in the aisle? I feel sorry for your brother.

When I was growing up, it was common to come to stand outside the church to watch the wedding come out of the church and to see the bride etc. So does not sound like they did anything wrong. CF they should ask for their gift back. People standing outside churches aren't standing there to blag an invitation, they are there to see the bride etc.

Why would your in laws feel entitled to express a point of view about what your brother chose to do for his wedding?!

That said they didn't do anything wrong, it's your sister in laws ignorable re church attendance that's the problem

But I'm not sure why they would have expressed upset about the wedding plans of someone else's family.

My DH thinks SiL might mention it when we see them again. We are all going to say that they meant no harm and they regard what they did as respectful.

I agree with PPs. You need to respond firmly and maybe a bit of love-bombing.

"Yes, wasn't it lovely of them to see my brother and you marry. And weren't they generous?"

Your inlaws sound divine, OP.

Weddings are public events. Anyone can attend. Public so as to stop forced or unwilling weddings. lt's why you still have the "If anyone knows why this marriage should not take place...etc". ln laws did nothing wrong. Good grief they came to celebrate the important bit ie the marriage ceremony & brought a present. How kind.

Your SIL sounds deranged!

She should have got married in a hotel or somewhere if she wanted to keep it private.

Church weddings are open to anyone. Maybe at her next wedding she shouldn’t try for the pretty pictures and choose somewhere private….you could always suggest this plan to her 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sigh. A random stranger off the street is not the same as someone you know but have chosen not to include.

It’s depressing how many of the people posting so-called “advice” here are actually just trying to escalate a minor drama in a stranger’s life. This is more than likely a bridezilla moment that will blow over. But no - MN wants the OP to “have a serious word” with her SIL and “put her in her place” or “give her a hard stare”. There are even people posting advising that OP tell SIL that she is unkind and dim witted and - most bizarrely of all - that she she get the vicar/priest involved!

Take a bite of a reality sandwich for the moment. Weddings are a stressful business. There is an enormous amount of pressure for everything to be perfect. Most posters have ignored the fact that OP’s brother and SIL had already changed their plans in order to invite the OP’s children. (Whether OP or any of us think they should have been invited in the first place is neither here nor there. In the end, OP and her parents got what they wanted.) Can you really not see how, at the height of an emotional day, OP’s SIL saw OP’s in-laws there, with a child she’s never clapped eyes on in tow (at what was supposed to be a largely child free wedding), and thought “Bloody hell, now she’s inviting her whole family”?

Of course anyone can attend a church wedding. The bride is unlikely to have been unaware of that. However, just because people can do it, it doesn’t mean she should have expected distant family
members by marriage to turn up (regardless of the many “Well, my auntie’s neighbour/old school friend/dog came to watch me get married in 1987 and I thought it was lovely” posts).

OP said that her husband is worried there might be a rift. So why suggest an ultra-confrontational approach that virtually guarantees it?

The likelihood is that SIL was over-emotional on the day, has calmed down and now feels a bit daft. If she does ever mention it again, the best thing OP could do is to say “No, of course they weren’t angling for an invite - it’s just how things are in [insert culture]. They only wanted to see the ceremony; after all, the church IS public.” That’s as far as it needs to go. If OP really feels the need to make a point, she could say “I’ll be glad to make sure their gift gets back to them” or similar and try to embarrass them into giving the fifty quid back.

Otherwise, the best thing to do would be to let it all blow over. In all likelihood, OP’s brother and SIL will see her parents once every couple of years, if that. It’s not the family crisis some overdramatic posters are inventing.

If they are that ignorant and arrogant why get married in a church. For your in-laws to then present them with a card and a generous gift of money, they should be grateful and writing them a thank you card. Instead of complaining, good luck I have a feeling you are going to need it with your brothers new current wife.

What a thing to get your knickers in a twist about on your wedding day - your SIL sounds horrid OP and her family sound as bad and as though they are indulging her. Just explain that they didn't know that it was a child free wedding and that attending the church is a norm for them and then leave them all to stew if that's how they want to spend their lives.

Yes, exactly
New SIL sounds an absolute nightmare
She needs to learn a few facts about church weddings and about to behave generally
You need a word with your brother or preferably both of them, ideally when it's just the 3 of you

Show them these responses if necessary
I hope you've shared some of these responses with your DH, Op

Your brother's married into a family that judgemental. How rude of them to behave like this.

I'd honestly say it's cultural, I think it's lovely that they thought of you and gave you a gift. Leave it at that. Their behaviour is their problem - hoping that they reflect on this.

You should ask your brother to send a thank you card for the thoughtful gift.

I'm English and a non church goer and am fully aware that anyone can attend the church service. It is a sign of respect to the institution and to the bride and groom and their fit marriage. I have been to many weddings and there are often locals and members of the congregation there to watch. As a child and young person we would go to see the bride if we knew them. Don't make excuses for your ils they have done nothing wrong.Your sil is being ignorant and obnoxious. I hope it is a case of nerves.

A child free wedding doesn't mean you can ban 10 year olds from the church as far as I know.