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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 31/07/2023 04:00

How did your in-laws know where the wedding was on?
If all of you live in the same village/town it'd be fine.
If your in-laws got dressed up, and drove quite a distance, on purpose, to crash a wedding in a church in a different locality, yes that'd be a bit odd.
They obviously knew the exact time and place of the ceremony.

BendyStringBean · 31/07/2023 04:09

I had a child free wedding. I would have been flexible to this changing though for £50. 😂

TheLadyofShalott1 · 31/07/2023 04:13

Thatboymum · 31/07/2023 02:16

I wouldn’t be annoyed at the in laws showing up but If I said I didn’t want children at my wedding and people showed up with kids I would be unhappy too and don’t think the bride should keep her mouth shut about it just to please the uninvited guests because it’s cultural.

The OP's in-laws hadn't been told about the no children regulation - which doesn't apply to Christian places of worship anyway, as (as PPs have said) they are welcome and open to anybody.
I don't see why 10 year olds couldn't go anyway, they are very unlikely to disrupt the proceedings, and scream the place down.

However, I think that the "anybody" they are open and welcome to should not include the bride and groom and her mother, in this particular case! Places of worship should be for kind and caring people, so they did not deserve to be there! I think that the vicar or priest who conducted the service, should be told about that, and he should speak to the main wedding party about their ungraciousness...

PurBal · 31/07/2023 04:15

This isn’t weird. The priest should have made it clear to the couple that they legally can’t turn anyone away from the church. It’s not a private ceremony, it’s literally public (how else can people “object”?). I’ve been to a lot of weddings where I’ve not been invited, once by mistake, a couple of times where I knew the couple but not well enough for an invite, another time to hear (the very good) choir sing. We had a bunch of people wearing football shirts at ours. I’m not Irish or catholic.

MimiSunshine · 31/07/2023 04:26

I wouldnt entertain any bad talk or negativity towards the inlaws.

id just tell brother and SIL that as they know anyone is welcome in a church wedding and it’s not gare radhing a private event. That the inlaws clearly wanted to wish you luck and best wishes plus they gave you a card and money so if you really have a. problem with it then return it but otherwise get over it.

when I was a kid, everyone would go to the church to see the bride and im
nof Irish . How anyone can get upset at people being happy for you is bizarre

Ridemeginger · 31/07/2023 04:41

You know the bit in the Christian ceremony, about if anyone has just cause why this marriage should not go ahead, say so now or forever hold your peace. That bit does not make sense without church services - which a wedding is, just another service - being open to all, including someone who may have just cause. It’s not just stuck in the ceremony to provide comic relief and dramatic moments in films and TV. Non religious hypocrites who use churches as the pretty backdrop for their instagram weddings, and haven’t a clue and not much care as to the meaning of the ceremony, get what they deserve. In this case, they got the bonus of both £50 and the “right” to behave like self righteous arseholes. They’ll probably dine out on their ire for some time to come.

YerArseInParsley · 31/07/2023 04:46

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

If they bring it up again just say it's done now so stop going on about it but be firm when your saying it. If they're still talking about it at their own home then that's not your concern. Tell your mum not to tell you if they are still ranting about it. Let them get on with it.

Your IL done nothing wrong . Probably just quietly sat up the back to show their support.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 31/07/2023 04:54

Last church wedding I attended there were various people I know who weren’t invited but popped to the church to see the bride etc.

She just lapped up the additional attention, no offence taken. There was no suggestion the “extras” were going to turn up at the reception.

Your SIL needs educating.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 31/07/2023 05:04

I think the priest could have a word. One or both of them must be confirmed Catholics so surely know you have your bans read so everyone can turn up. As for “no children” at a Catholic wedding. Ha ha! The whole service is very “procreation focused”. They sound very odd and a bit rude. I would let your disapproval of their behaviour show.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/07/2023 05:06

How big is the church? I understand anyone can turn up but if invited guests can’t get a seat as other people have shown up and taken them it does seem a bit off. I haven’t been to many church weddings but some of the ones I have have been very tight for space.

CapEBarra · 31/07/2023 05:06

Churches are public and community venues and you can’t ban people from attending. It’s perfectly normal and anyone can wander in off the streets to watch weddings/funerals/christenings. It’s not uncommon to see parishioners, well wishers, neighbours, friends, and complete strangers sitting amongst invited guests. For religious people it’s a way of witnessing, celebrating, and supporting those in the community who are taking a sacrament. If your SIL and DB were church goers they would know this. Your in laws have done nothing wrong. They wouldn’t have been expecting an invitation, other kids were there, and they were generous and kind to give a gift.

Threenow · 31/07/2023 05:16

Your SIL sounds awful and I would be giving her a wide berth. Your in-laws on the other hand sound absolutely lovely.

Agree with others, they chose to get married in a church, they should have been aware that it is a public building.

hopeishere · 31/07/2023 05:25

It all sounds a bit intense with people worrying about nothing.

Just keep repeating they meant nothing by it. Don't engage if they bring it up again.

JollyJolene · 31/07/2023 05:28

Not pissed off enough to refuse the money though I’m sure.
I hope once the fog of ‘everything must be perfect and exactly to my liking’ has lifted she’ll see it was done with nothing more than kind intentions.

WeightInLine · 31/07/2023 05:28

Your SIL and her parents sound very mean spirited considering that they offered no hospitality, got £50, and had a lovely wedding and have chosen to focus on this.

You don’t need to answer for your in laws, but if you decide to, then there is plenty to say in their defence.

Truemilk · 31/07/2023 05:33

The wedding couldn't have been very good if all they're moaning about afterwards is two kind people and a child turning up at the church with a gift for them

inappropriateraspberry · 31/07/2023 05:36

As others have said - anyone can go to a church service, wedding or not! It's quite common for regular churchgoers to attend the wedding as they welcome the new couple into the church. They will just sit at the back and enjoy the service!
At our wedding, we had the regulars, neighbours and family friends come along. It was actually quite lovely to share it with them all. We weren't offended and didn't think they were trying to get an invite to the reception!
Your brother and SIL were rude. They should have smoked, accepted the gift with grace and thanks and said how lovely it was that they came along.

inappropriateraspberry · 31/07/2023 05:39

Also I'm not Irish or in Ireland - completely normal in the rest of the U.K. too!

SilverArch · 31/07/2023 05:41

I had attended a wedding with a couple of free range toddlers who screamed during bits of the service while their bovine mother fondly watched them scamper up and down the aisle - there may have been a father to be fair but I didn't see him. This culminated in a near disaster involving a pillar and a large jardinière where the congregation watched in horror as it teetered on the point of crashing to the ground thanks to the little darlings. As the jardinière was teetering, I resolved at that moment that whenever I got married I'd have a child-free wedding!

My mother was Irish and she wouldn't have gone into the church but on a few occasions where we knew the family we did wait outside the church to see the bride. There would be other well wishers there too.

Regardless of your in-law's not realising the bride's wishes, your sister-in- law sounds like a graceless shrew. I might be privately gnashing my teeth but there is no way I would have been snarling at my new in-laws. Given though the rude behaviour of your sister-in-law’s mother asking you if your in-laws had been trying to wangle an invitation, it is fairly obvious where the SIL gets it from. That is unbelievably rude to you and your husband.

I'd suggest to your SIL that if she has so much trouble about it, they should donate the 50 pounds to charity.

CardiffMam · 31/07/2023 05:42

I've been to a few weddings in Welsh villages where lots of the village come to see the bride and groom arrive for the wedding and when they come out. I've also heard a few ladies ask the ushers if the chapel's full and if not they went in to sit in the back rows.

If your SIL didn't want this, she should have had the ceremony in a hotel.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 31/07/2023 05:46

Can't understand it at all.

I'd be thrilled to have uninvited people wishing me well and giving me £50

Am genuinely baffled as to what is not to like!

BorsetshireBanality · 31/07/2023 05:47

SIL sounds quite controlling. I wonder when your brother will realise.

Did they opt for a church wedding for the photos?

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/07/2023 05:48

tibradden · 30/07/2023 22:40

I’m guessing your in laws might be Irish. This would be a usual thing to do amongst my parents circle of friends. You would go to see the bride at the church.
At my wedding, the whole road of neighbours came to the mass to wish me luck, my English in-laws thought it was lovely.
I would explain that they went out of respect and tradition.

This.
What they did is completely normal for them/would be considered a lovely gesture by 90% of the population.
Although given they knew the time date and location which is a bit unususal. wàs the wedding in ireland?

Just explain you are sorry the bride is upset. They didnt know it was supposed to be childfree as they were not told and it is not the norm in iteland. It is also the norm to attend mass and wish the (arsehole) bride well.

Id also take my brother to oneside and tell him to wake up please and help smooth it over/explain to the bride she is ruining it for herself.

I also wouldnt be holding my breath any future nieces/nephews will be close with your kids.

Saoirse82 · 31/07/2023 05:52

This is a totally normal thing to do in Ireland. Neighbours, or friends of family members that you don't know might turn up to give their best wishes.

Your ILs sound absolutely lovely and your SIL sounds awful!

Amniceandgenuine · 31/07/2023 05:52

We got married in English Church and I do recall my friends Mum came to the church with her grandchildren, also a few work colleagues who were not invited came to the service, It was a lovely,kind gesture and I was not even remotely annoyed.
SIL sounds a precious PITA . Absolutely anyone can go into a church and SIL should know that .