Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 23:17

I do know that the families of three of DH’s siblings-in-law have invited my in-laws to their weddings. Secretly. I didn’t even tell DH that I was embarrassed that such a thing wouldn’t have crossed my brother’s mind in spite of him knowing them and receiving hospitality from them.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 30/07/2023 23:20

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 30/07/2023 23:05

I wouldn't expect this marriage to last very long if she becomes so arsey over something like this. When a real problem kicks in she'll go into melt down.

Yes, I thought that as well.
OP, tell your brother and/or parents that your in laws were showing respect not trying to gatecrash and that you won’t engage in any more discussion on the matter.

Teenagehorrorbag · 30/07/2023 23:30

They did nothing wrong. The 'no kids' thing is about the reception after, not the church service (apart from maybe screaming toddlers). Anyone can turn up at the church and I think it was lovely that your ILs did, despite knowing they weren't invited to the reception - and they even gave them a present!!!! Your SIL sounds like a nightmare!

I really hope your ILs weren't aware of how badly their lovely gesture was received.....

JenniferBarkley · 30/07/2023 23:31

Lean heavily into the cultural difference. "SIL, I didn't know they were going to come, but apparently it's very normal where they're from. They definitely weren't fishing for an invitation, they're not like that, they just wanted to see you in your beautiful dress and wish you well."

(Also Irish and think it's very normal.)

Scottishskifun · 30/07/2023 23:33

As long as there was space in the church then there was nothing to stop them. If your brother and SIL chose to make it into something that it's not then it's just a simple shrug and anyone can attend a church.

My MIL invited 8 of her friends to our wedding without telling me then simply stated its a church you can't stop them.....they did also turn up at the reception had several drinks and expected a place setting.....despite not being invited or receiving an invitation but I still smiled politely and told them to come back in the evening instead!

FarEast · 30/07/2023 23:47

Your in-laws sound lovely, @RozDoylessister I hope you can avoid a rift with your brother; it seems such a small-minded thing for him and his now wife to fall out with you about.

Pushmepullu · 30/07/2023 23:48

Please stand up for your M and FiL. Your new SiL sounds dreadful as does her mother.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/07/2023 23:58

Your new SIL sounds high-maintenance and I can see trouble ahead with her.

Your in-laws sound lovely. As others have said, anyone can attend church weddings, Christenings etc. I'm Irish and it's totally tradition to go see the bride at the church!

I had my neighbours turn up at my wedding service and I was just so elated at it being my wedding day, I told them to come on in for the service.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 31/07/2023 00:07

What is her problem? Your inlaws came to the church with a well-behaved preteen child. They sat through the ceremony and gave a generous gift.

They didn't get a glass of her punch or a piece of her precious cake! She ought to be writing them a lovely thank-you note for the gift, not causing a rift in the family.

Mummyratbag · 31/07/2023 00:11

Completely normal thing to do. I had neighbours, parents' friends, members of the church turn up. I thought it was lovely that they wanted to see us get married. No one expected an invite to the reception! They sound insufferable...

TheCatterall · 31/07/2023 00:18

I’m not a church goer but I know it’s common for folks to come and witness a wedding - we’ve joined some friends children’s weddings (quietly at the back or waited outside) and either left a card etc with them or wedding team. It’s just people trying to show respect and celebrate a wedding. They didn’t stay. They didn’t attend the evening do etc. we’re just being polite. It’s hardly the end of the world. SIL sounds like a drama llama.

Sleepwhatsthazzz · 31/07/2023 00:21

Are your in laws irish? This is a very typical thing to do. About the back 3 rows were filled with parents work colleagues, neighbours and people from village who were not invited but wanted to send their wishes. A very kind thing to do to take time out of their busy day when they don't even benefit from the reception.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 31/07/2023 00:22

The same thing happens at funerals in Ireland - there is an announcement not invitations as it is a public service. I think it is lovely and I am sure people don't believe they can then gatecrash a private wake or reception!

Lachimolala · 31/07/2023 00:23

Not really the point of your thread, but if my SIL ever remotely snarled at me I’d put her firmly in her place!

AlbertaAnnie · 31/07/2023 00:31

They were trying to do a kind thing and your sil was bridezilla - I would be embarrassed that them being so ungrateful and rude to a elderly couple tying to wish them well. Awful behaviour

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 31/07/2023 00:35

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

Furious probably because she thinks her other guests think her rude for excluding their children. They wouldn't know the uninvited guest was gatecrashing.
Childfree wedding is a shit and a slightly naive if not a bit nasty idea all round. You can't exclude people based on age and it's pretty joyless without kids

CatsForeverAndEver · 31/07/2023 00:48

Mutinyonthecrunchie · 30/07/2023 23:05

I wouldn't expect this marriage to last very long if she becomes so arsey over something like this. When a real problem kicks in she'll go into melt down.

Agree with this, hopefully she buggers off soon. Sounds like you have a lovely family, people like this run it. Her own bunch sound nasty too.

MissTrip82 · 31/07/2023 01:00

I’m Catholic and turning up to ‘see the bride’ and wish the couple well at the important bit (to us) is normal. A shame if your sister-in-law is so controlling she can’t tolerate a cultural difference that is entirely well-meaning. If there’s a rift over this that tells you all you need to know about her I think. Hopefully it was just a reaction to the stress of organising the day and she’ll calm down.

ParisP · 31/07/2023 01:00

its very normal in my circles (Yorkshire).

a very strange reaction from the bride, quite over reactive.

ForestGoblin · 31/07/2023 01:04

It's totally normal for random old kindlies to turn up and wave. A gift is unusual (in a good way). Sister in law sounds a total dick.

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 01:19

Can I jus clarify, your in laws turned up to your brothers wedding? Someone they aren’t actually related to? If my sister in laws parents had randomly turned up at my wedding with a child in tow at my child free wedding I would have been irritated.

Suspific · 31/07/2023 01:55

My friend's in laws came to my wedding for some reason and I only know because of the wedding video! I'd met her MIL on her hen do and we'd got on well but to come to my wedding several years later seemed bizarre! But some people love weddings and your in laws didn't do anything seriously wrong. Just put your DB and SIL's noses slightly out of joint.

They should be flattered your in laws care enough about your brother to want to see him get married.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 31/07/2023 02:01

Anyone can attend a wedding in a church.
Its a religious house open to everyone.

Is she religious, if she’s getting married in a church she should know all this. It’s perfectly normal
Whats wrong with her.

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:02

I am English, so not just Irish families. Half of my mums friends came to the church to see us get married as did a lot of neighbours and 'evening only' guests. Pretty normal behaviour for a church wedding.

Your SIL sounds a bit of a knob tbh the more the merrier I would have thought.

It's not like any of these people are in the official wedding pics or having the wedding breakfast etc. Yep SIL is a control freak.

AGovernmentOfLawsAndNotMen · 31/07/2023 02:03

wanttokickoffbutcant · 31/07/2023 00:22

The same thing happens at funerals in Ireland - there is an announcement not invitations as it is a public service. I think it is lovely and I am sure people don't believe they can then gatecrash a private wake or reception!

As an aside.
Wakes in Ireland are not by invitation
They are open to everyone.

As are Irish Catholic wakes in the UK.