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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws and my new sister-in-law

395 replies

RozDoylessister · 30/07/2023 22:34

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

OP posts:
poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:04

JenWillsiam · 31/07/2023 01:19

Can I jus clarify, your in laws turned up to your brothers wedding? Someone they aren’t actually related to? If my sister in laws parents had randomly turned up at my wedding with a child in tow at my child free wedding I would have been irritated.

Can I please ask why?

They didn't turn up as guests they turned up to support the happy couple.

It really is a pretty normal thing to do.

Thatboymum · 31/07/2023 02:16

I wouldn’t be annoyed at the in laws showing up but If I said I didn’t want children at my wedding and people showed up with kids I would be unhappy too and don’t think the bride should keep her mouth shut about it just to please the uninvited guests because it’s cultural.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/07/2023 02:17

If your brother and SIL were regular church-goers they might have more idea that turning up to see a marriage ceremony was a kind and thoughtful act. They even brought a present. Of course they had no thought of being invited to the reception. Obviously SiL and her family cannot conceive that someone who doesn't know you well might want to pass on good wishes and admire your dress - I'm sure they didn't sit in the front row or sidle into photos. People judge others by themselves so hopefully your lovely ILs have no idea that your SiL is such an ungrateful biatch

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:21

Thatboymum · 31/07/2023 02:16

I wouldn’t be annoyed at the in laws showing up but If I said I didn’t want children at my wedding and people showed up with kids I would be unhappy too and don’t think the bride should keep her mouth shut about it just to please the uninvited guests because it’s cultural.

The child was at the church not the wedding party . Would a child at the back of the church staring in awe, at maybe her first look at a bride really annoy you that much?

I would be flattered.

WandaWonder · 31/07/2023 02:30

I can't understand why people would turn up without an invitation

Restaurants, parks, soft play centres and lots of places are open to the public but if I didn't have an invitation I would not turn up deliberately and join in or let my child just because a place is open to the public

Why is a church different?

EsmeSusanOgg · 31/07/2023 02:30

The ceremony in England and Wales is an open event. For any and all to attend.

You are more likely to get strangers and wolider extended family attending a church service - especially if it is either held at their church or they are regular church goers/ from a regular church going community.

I am constantly baffled how many people are utterly unaware of this - despite it being mentioned when you fill in paperwork ahead of the wedding with registrars / church officials.

The private part of the wedding is the reception afterwards.

I think SIL has been reading too much US-influenced wedding ideas/ ettiquette before the event.

AngelAurora · 31/07/2023 02:36

FarEast · 30/07/2023 22:50

Your SiL sounds quite awful. And ignorant. If it was a marriage ceremony in a church, anyone may attend. She should know that if she is remotely Christian and not just getting married in a church because it’s the “done thing.”

It's her wedding, she has every right to be annoyed, how dare others ignore her wishes just so they can do what they want. Very rude indeed.

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:46

Did your in laws cause a fuss .....No
Did the child scream throughout the wedding ...................no

Did they go to supportthe happy couple .....................No
Was the wedding ruined because of them ...........No

Did them attending affect the wedding in a negative way ..............No

They did a good thing they did and meant no harm ffs, they just went to support.

Honestly when on earth did you all become so precious?

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 02:48

I’d just say to SIL, it’s done now, can’t undo it. Don’t forget to sand a thank you card for the generous gift.

she sounds like a total bridezillla, and high maintenance!

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:48

Sorry meant yes to the third one

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 02:49

AngelAurora · 31/07/2023 02:36

It's her wedding, she has every right to be annoyed, how dare others ignore her wishes just so they can do what they want. Very rude indeed.

Show quote history

They didn’t know her wishes? I wonder if the groom was equally dramatic?

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 02:51

WandaWonder · 31/07/2023 02:30

I can't understand why people would turn up without an invitation

Restaurants, parks, soft play centres and lots of places are open to the public but if I didn't have an invitation I would not turn up deliberately and join in or let my child just because a place is open to the public

Why is a church different?

It’s people that are different, the ILs were doing something they thought nice and generous..

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 02:55

Thatboymum · 31/07/2023 02:16

I wouldn’t be annoyed at the in laws showing up but If I said I didn’t want children at my wedding and people showed up with kids I would be unhappy too and don’t think the bride should keep her mouth shut about it just to please the uninvited guests because it’s cultural.

but surely the no child rule is due to cost and possible disruption of the event.

Neither of which are relevant here.

Would the mere sight of a child in the vicinity really cause you angst?

countrygirl99 · 31/07/2023 02:57

It's simple. If you want to totally control who comes to the ceremony you don't have it in s church. She made the choice to have it in a church so she made the choice to have a ceremony that is open to the general public. Total strangers can attend if they wish. Now she is moaning about the results of her own choice.

BadNomad · 31/07/2023 02:58

How often are your husband's parents likely to be in the presence of your brother's wife's parents?

Your brother and his wife need to build a bridge and get the fuck over themselves. None of this had anything to do with you.

CSIblonde · 31/07/2023 02:58

I did know the service can be attended by non guests, but in practice, I've never been to a wedding where uninvited people rolled up. It does seem a bit off somehow, however well intentioned.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 03:04

This reply has been deleted

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ArcticSkewer · 31/07/2023 03:12

They just seem a bit ignorant about church to be honest.
This is definitely not 'an Irish thing', it's 'a church thing'.
One of you could explain to them that it's part of what getting married in church involves. I'm surprised it was only your in laws who were there. I had half the village at mine.
Don't like it? Book a private venue.
It's literally announced in church to the entire congregation. Three times!

Seeingadistance · 31/07/2023 03:16

Scottish Protestant here, and yes, anyone can come along to a church wedding.

ManxRhyme · 31/07/2023 03:31

Your new SIL is bonkers and if she wanted to control exactly who attended the ceremony then she shouldn't have had it in a church. The church is a house of God and anyone can come and bear witness to a wedding. That's how it works! Random strangers could have turned up and she wouldn't have the power to kick them out.

If pushed for an explanation I'd just say your in laws are religious and them showing up with your niece was a show of respect and support for your family. Then shrug your shoulders.

Codlingmoths · 31/07/2023 03:33

It isnt some ancient law - it is the basic very current fact that anyone can attend a church wedding, and it is very common for people to attend to wish the couple well. Our wedding had lots of these. Your sil needs a huge dose of get over it, I would call your brother and say I can’t believe you had no idea this is a thing, it’s not trying to wangle an invite, it’s really small minded of either of you to even think of that, and it is not my or my in laws fault you have no clue about some very common customs. You should have got married in a locked private home to keep out all those nasty people who have only ever been kind and hospitable to you. You two need to accept YOU made an honest if dim witted and rather unkind mistake, stop holding others accountable for it, stop focusing on things you were unhappy about wiht your wedding day, and get over it and enjoy being married.

ManxRhyme · 31/07/2023 03:34

I agree. I'd be having strong words with my brother. Their stupidity and ignorance of church laws is not your in laws problem.

Kitkatcatflap · 31/07/2023 03:42

Three of us did the same thing for a work colleague back in the 90s. She was having a very small family wedding, we saw her get married, told her she looked lovely and waved them off. I'm not religious but I would much rather see someone marry in church than get an evening invitation.

I think you need to contact your SIL and MIL head on to stop all the gossiping. Tell them you had been excited about their wedding and your in-laws were happy for them and see them as part of the extended family. Definitely say, they were not 'angling for an invitation' - you didn't know they were going to attend but as regular church goers, it is common in their culture to see the bride or wedding at the church. Do mention, how upset if they would be if they knew they had caused offence. They only meant well - hence the 50 quid on the card.

IreneGoodnight · 31/07/2023 03:43

You'd think the bride would be too darn elated to care about a few extra people in the congregation especially when two of them are much loved & generous relatives of her new sister in law. Clearly her new husband wasn't a big enough distraction. Hope she didn't whinge all night long ! 😤

Mimtastic · 31/07/2023 03:45

Assuming they gave back the 50 quid because they were so terribly upset, right?