In-laws and my new sister-in-law

[RozDoylessister]

My in-laws are late 70s 80s old enough to be my parents’ parents. They are bloody lovely!

They are Catholic and are not English, kind, generous and very family oriented.

When my brother and sister-in-law announced that kids weren’t invited to their wedding I knew my parents weren’t going to be impressed but I was dreading my in-laws finding out as they would be so upset. In the end my kids were invited.

Anyway didn’t my in-laws (along with husband’s niece who is 10) turn up at the church for my brother’s wedding yesterday. They absolutely wouldn’t have thought that they were doing anything wrong. They would very genuinely have thought that they were showing respect to my family. My Father-in-law handed over a card to my brother with £50
My sister-in-law was just not impressed. She was thunderous. She came snarling at me asking what they thought they were doing. I had no idea that’s what they planned.

When we went down for breakfast today sister-in-law’s mother asked if they had been trying to wangle an invitation.

Husband is mortified. What would you say to Sister-in-law? DH thinks there’s going to be a rift. Went back to my parents’ this afternoon and they were laughing but my mum said sister-in-law’s family was going on about my in-laws.
Mum has just phoned and said brother has mentioned it as well and sister-in-law is still annoyed.
My in-laws meant nothing by it. Niece behaved impeccably and they all left immediately bride and groom got in car.

If she said anything else I’d be telling her that she should be glad it wasn’t a coachload of tourists, since they’d have had every right to attend, what with a wedding in a church bei@a public event n all. But obviously she knew this given the strength of her catholic faith? No? Gosh, and here you were thinking she wasn’t the kind of shallow exhibitionist who only chose a church wedding for the photos.

Then don't get married in a church. You don't get to pick and choose who comes into a public service.

The ILs thought they were doing something lovely by dropping in and giving their best wishes which in normal and traditional in Ireland.

You sound as insufferable and ungrateful as the Bride.

The reason that bans are read for churches, and notices put up in the registrar's office for civil ceremonies is to to make clear that the wedding ceneomy itself is a public event and to effectively invite anyone to witness it/ object if they have a legal right to.

Church weddings are more likely to have non-invited guests attend than invited ones. But I got married at a castle (tourist attraction, so open to public except the hall once it became a private reception). Strangers watched us get married from the upper level. I thought it was really sweet (certainly some younger children with parents). But also, exactly what is allowed to happen in a legal wedding.

If you want an entirely closed event then you need to get legally married somewhere else and opt for a blessing/ celebration instead - those can be closed events.

The only exception to this in recent years was temporary legislation during COVID to limit numbers for health reasons. That no longer applies

We got married in a famous church that was particularly high-profile at the time - there were about 40 random tourists in the congregation who just stayed for the service. I wish they'd all given me £50 each 🤣

It’s perfectly “normal” outside of Ireland. Catholics have very similar habits worldwide. I believe the CofE church here is the same.

The bans are read in church so everyone knows who’s marrying who (so they can object if needs be). All sorts of things happen that highlight it to the local congregation (eg confession may be moved to accommodate rehearsals, flower rota will change as most brides leave the flowers in the church and they are used for a week or more in ever more dwindled state, cleaning needs to be more thorough and is usually done by the family, sometimes other events are shifted but mostly first communion classes and the like trundle on). Mostly non family/guests sit at the back out of courtesy but they are there.

I’m not catholic or Irish but a church goer and this is also normal in my church. We have people who attend church normally get married and due to cost, etc, they can only invite people they’re close to in church and their other family and friends to the reception. However, other church members and members of the public attend the service just to see the couple and wish them well. Infact, the weddings are always held on Sundays which is a day we usually worship so it’s expected to see lots of ‘uninvited’ guests and the church prepares lots of extra seats in anticipation. It’s even more sweet to bring a gift.
The invitation is for the events the couple paid for like the breakfast, reception, etc, the church is a public place

She needs to get over herself, I bet she's not annoyed enough to return the £50...

I’m from the North West of England, and Catholic, and this is definitely something I’ve seen. Church services are for anyone, even if it’s a wedding. The fact that the bride and groom don’t know this says a lot about them, not your lovely in laws.

I think your sil needs to get over herself. When she chose to have a church wedding, it became a community event and she gave up the right to say who can attend the ceremony.

Do her parents only go on high days and holy days? It's hard to imagine any regular church goer not realising how very normal this is. Not that it's 'allowed' but that it's totally normal.

They don’t seem to understand how a church wedding works. Do they not know that the whole point of banns being published and read is exactly so that anyone can attend the wedding. If they are that put out I trust they will return the £50 gift.

Anyone can attend a church wedding. It's a public ceremony.

How rude of your bro and sil. They paid their respects and your family took this as a negative.! How did it hurt them if your in-laws attended the church? Also if they wanted a private service they should have paid for one

I am so jealous of your in laws, they sound bloody lovely! I wish mine were like that.

Your SIL is being a nasty bitch and I agree that if she's having a meltdown over this, life will be very hard for her going forward.

There’s nothing you should do.

It is not your responsibility. And I honestly don’t know what you could do in this situation.

your in-laws did nothing wrong.

but I actually do understand that they weren’t too happy about them bringing children. They shouldn’t make a fuss (imo) but it is understandable that they weren’t too pleased.

Especially when one considers that they were essentially made to invite your children. It seems to me like your in-laws might be the recipient of some pent up frustration that stems from previous issues.

They turned up to the church ceremony, a church. This is completely normal in church weddings. It sounds like neither the bride or groom are religious so perhaps didn't know. But it is normal and perfectly okay.

I’m Catholic: entirely normal for people to attend the wedding ceremony who aren’t going to the wedding reception. I had people at my wedding who weren’t going on to the reception. Churches are public places and anyone (including children!) can attend a church service (which is what a catholic wedding is). People do it to show love and support (and because who doesn’t like a wedding?). Your in laws sound lovely and wouldn’t have had the first clue that they were doing anything wrong.

I also think your brothers new in laws and wife sound horrid!

We have often gone to the church to see a work colleague get married . We never expected an invite to the wedding breakfast but wanted to see them get married . We would have chatted for weeks before about the wedding preparations. Totally normal where I grew up in Yorkshire .

Very unlikely they were dressed for a wedding though, they'll have been in respectable day clothes and likely slipped in at the back. No one will actually have thought they were invited.

I'm Irish and I think your sil is horrible. Tell her to get a grip. She's the one who doesn't understand the concept of a church. She should have had her horrible unfriendly wedding reception somewhere else. Maybe a town hall with bouncers and a ticket checking system

Your new SIl is an ungrateful brat. Some nice people turn up to see her at her shiny best , with a generous gift, and she gets upset at the cheek of it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your in-laws sound lovely.

I guess it's a clash of cultures. I'm from originally from India and it would be considered extremely offensive to not invite the in-laws of the groom's sister (along with their kids and grand kids). I know it's different in the UK but if your in laws were friendly and gave a generous gift it's obvious that they had good intentions.

I also don't understand why they are still fuming about it. Was there nothing more exciting to get upset about at the wedding? Weddings are breeding grounds for resentment and drama (in my opinion) and I think it's often the couple's family who create the drama once the wedding is over because maybe they feel deflated that there is nothing interesting going on anymore. If that is the case though your sil and especially your brother are silly to rise to it.

I'd just explain to your sil (or have your brother explain) that your in-laws just followed their own tradition and didn't realise anyone could think that it was disrespectful.

Good luck. Don't write off your sil yet. Weddings are hugely stressful. Hopefully she'll see sense soon (but do explain the whole thing to her).

Scottish Highlands here, perfectly normal for neighbours, friends,ect, to sit at the back of the church to pay respects to the couple. Your in-laws did nothing wrong.

It’s a public worship service: anyone can attend! And actually that’s important because of the last chance to declare the couple can’t legally be married which is built into the service. Hence, techno someone could show up to announce the groom is already married (a la Jane Eyre) although in reality it never happens. There could also be kid choristers in the church choir or teenage bell ringers. SIL is being precious and misunderstanding what it means to have a church wedding. She’s just thinking of it the same as having a service in a hotel or private venue.

Stop feeling embarrassed by your lovely in-laws and maybe start feeling embarrassed by your arsehole brother and sister in law, who are making your nice dh feel bad, for no good reason!
Time to have a civil but firm word with your brother to a) remind him that anyone has a right to turn up at a church and if he didn't want this he should have booked a different venue, b) it's a good thing when people wish you well and c) it's totally normal behaviour in many cultures.

Don't let your brother and sil give you any grief - shut them down firmly.
Your sil has basically marred her own weddings, having a face like thunder over a total non-event!