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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:15

pinkdelight · 30/07/2023 23:11

I expect to be invited, as I think it’s rude to not be asked

That's so weird in the circumstances. You don't like them and have limited contact. The last thing either side wants is to spend holiday together, even if you could go, which you can't. Sorry but it feels like you're looking for reasons to take umbrage. It's eminently sensible for them to keep their relationship with DP and the DC separate and have a nice break with them while keeping things civil but more distant with you. Enjoy having the time to yourself. You sure as hell wouldn't wanna be in a caravan with them!

You are right, it will be a hell of a holiday:)

OP posts:
ChittyBangabang · 30/07/2023 23:16

You wouldn't go if asked?

What are you really upset about? Them getting on and having fun without you?

KrisAkabusi · 30/07/2023 23:16

I expect to be invited, as I think it’s rude to not be asked

They know you don't have the time and they know you don't want to go. Why on earth would they ask you? It's pointless asking a question to which everyone knows the answer.
Now crack on and enjoy some quiet time!

AnSolas · 30/07/2023 23:18

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:11

I think that if we got on, there would have been an attempt to organise the holiday when everyone has availability.
I have been talking extra hours at work and have built up “ additional holiday”, but I need more than a week’s notice to book time off.
Thanks for your comment, it has given me food for thought.

Show quote history

You dont like them

Why do you expect them to spend a holiday living in a tiny space with someone who dislikes them.

Wind up or reversal??

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 23:19

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:11

I think that if we got on, there would have been an attempt to organise the holiday when everyone has availability.
I have been talking extra hours at work and have built up “ additional holiday”, but I need more than a week’s notice to book time off.
Thanks for your comment, it has given me food for thought.

Show quote history

According to you, you have no holiday left for the rest of this year so are they just supposed to hang on and wait and wait until the person who doesn't like them, can build up enough TOIL so they can book their Summer holiday?

Azandme · 30/07/2023 23:19

You sound like hard work.

Don't like them.
Can't go.
Pissed you weren't invited.

Tired6789 · 30/07/2023 23:20

If you're not used to your kids being away without you then I can understand why you would be upset about this.

Original poster
Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:21

So from my perspective, my partner, children and I are a family unit. I wouldn’t book a holiday for my parents and the children without him.
Perhaps cultural differences amongst other things are causing issues with my relationship with my partner’s family. The limited contact doesn’t mean we can’t have holidays together- would it be acceptable to spend Christmas separately..
Yes, I can’t go on this holiday, but we could have booked something in the future when everyone has availability.

OP posts:
Superstar22 · 30/07/2023 23:24

You should have been asked & your partner should have made sure your were considered

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 23:24

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:21

So from my perspective, my partner, children and I are a family unit. I wouldn’t book a holiday for my parents and the children without him.
Perhaps cultural differences amongst other things are causing issues with my relationship with my partner’s family. The limited contact doesn’t mean we can’t have holidays together- would it be acceptable to spend Christmas separately..
Yes, I can’t go on this holiday, but we could have booked something in the future when everyone has availability.

You've had a holiday seeing your parents, now let your partner and kids do the same with his.

And yes, the limited contact does mean they may not want to holiday with you. Why on earth would they want to suddenly spend every day with someone who's limited them so much?

You sound like you have a massive case of FOMO and it's not very mature.

DiddyHeck · 30/07/2023 23:26

Superstar22 · 30/07/2023 23:24

You should have been asked & your partner should have made sure your were considered

Why?

They know and he knows the OP doesn't like them and that's why she's chosen to limit contact with them.

Plus she has literally no holiday left to take this year.

Tangledbaby · 30/07/2023 23:27

I get why you’re hurt at being left out. However it does come across like ‘if I can’t go then no one can!’ For no other reasons than being spiteful?

again I get your upset but I would swallow it and wave them off cheerily and enjoy a peaceful few days

Whattheactualwhatnow · 30/07/2023 23:29

OP honestly it’s unreasonable to expect your in laws to literally plan their holiday dates around you when you are limited contact with them.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 30/07/2023 23:32

Will your kids enjoy it?
will they be safe and looked after?
will your relationship with your partner still be the same after it?

if the answer to all questions is “yes” then YABU. You would hate it but they will enjoy it so let them go and enjoy the weekend to yourself

Fizzology · 30/07/2023 23:32

You're getting the Ugly Mumsnet combative replies in a pile-on. Ignore.

Obviously no one should be booking a holiday for your partner and dc without making an attempt to include you.

This is a dp problem, though, as he went along with it.

They are working hard to divide and conquer your family. DP is helping them.

It's not nice.

Twillow · 30/07/2023 23:35

DinoRoar14 · 30/07/2023 22:38

But a parent will be there.
You can't go. And don't like them

This sounds like a win win

This.
Fair enough to feel a bit regretful that the family situation isn't what you idealise but let your children enjoy their trip and do something nice for yourself or just enjoy the peace while they're away.

QuietDragon · 30/07/2023 23:36

I understand feeling left out and not considered in something being billed a 'family holiday'. However, your husband must have told them you couldn't make it, because otherwise how would they know about your lack of annual leave?

NotABeliever · 30/07/2023 23:37

I think it depends on how strained your relationship with your in laws is. If you talk regularly and spend other holidays together or Christmas then I agree they should have considered you.
Did your partner mention it to you before saying yes?

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/07/2023 23:38

There's no way on God's earth I would invite anyone I endured forced/fake civilities with on a caravanning holiday within the UK: I would rather bathe in bovine faecal matter.

It's natural to feel 'left out', but I can't imagine they think much of you, as you clearly don't think much of them, so why would they go out of their way to book an holiday that you were available for (not forgetting that you've used your annual leave and it's only August).

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 30/07/2023 23:39

I think you're going to have to decide if you want limited contact with your "overbearing" MIL or you want to go on holiday with them, because it's commonsense that you can't have both.

It's pretty common to plan weekend trips so you can hardly blame them for that. I suppose they could have invited you to be (fake) polite; would that have made you feel better?

In your shoes I'd enjoy some alone time and a quiet house while your husband and kids have some family time with his parents. Win/Win.

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 23:41

Fizzology · 30/07/2023 23:32

You're getting the Ugly Mumsnet combative replies in a pile-on. Ignore.

Obviously no one should be booking a holiday for your partner and dc without making an attempt to include you.

This is a dp problem, though, as he went along with it.

They are working hard to divide and conquer your family. DP is helping them.

It's not nice.

I don't know whether to 😂 or 🙄

Pushmepullu · 30/07/2023 23:41

OP yabu. You don’t like them and can’t go but they are being a bit incendiary.
FWIW my 2 brothers and I have never been away with both parents. 1 parent was from overseas the other from the UK. They would make visits to their parents taking 1 or all of us but never with our other parent. Never affected us.

merrymelodies · 30/07/2023 23:41

Usual obtuse replies... 🙄

PeloMom · 30/07/2023 23:41

People who don’t like me or in this case , disrespect me (because this is very disrespectful) don’t get to spend time with my kid/s. I wouldn’t be ok with this. They should have invited you and included you. Now if you can’t/ don’t want to go or don’t want your kids to go- should be your decision.

DuplicateUserName · 30/07/2023 23:44

PeloMom · 30/07/2023 23:41

People who don’t like me or in this case , disrespect me (because this is very disrespectful) don’t get to spend time with my kid/s. I wouldn’t be ok with this. They should have invited you and included you. Now if you can’t/ don’t want to go or don’t want your kids to go- should be your decision.

Yeah because it's not like the OP shares the kids with their father 🤦‍♀️

Invite and include someone who makes it clear she dislikes them indeed.

You may think that sort of doormat behaviour is fine, but some people clearly have a higher bar.

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