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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
PeloMom · 30/07/2023 23:46

@DuplicateUserName just because they share kids doesn’t mean he can decide to take the kids unilaterally and allow his family to treat his wife this way.
this is a two yes one no decision and she wasn’t even involved in the discussion.

Howdidtheydothat · 30/07/2023 23:46

I often holiday on short breaks without DH, it helps the annual leave stretch and is preferable/same cost as organising days out in the school holidays.My DH tolerates my dp’s but they have very different tastes and outlooks. My DH detests holiday parks while my children and DPs like them. I sometimes invite my DPs along as it is nice for them to holiday with us and I get some hands on help. They are not the easiest DP to please so limit to short breaks.
I wish my DH could do the same , as does he but both of his parents died some time ago. He does look very delighted when we drive away though😂

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 23:48

You have no annual leave and don't get on with them. I'm sure your husband and children will have a lovely time.

AutumnCrow · 30/07/2023 23:50

Yes, I can’t go on this holiday, but we could have booked something in the future when everyone has availability.

But why? You don't like them. Which is fine.

Treesinmygarden · 30/07/2023 23:50

They should have asked you out of politeness but I imagine your DP told them you didn't have the leave to do it.

I don't know why posters are being so nasty to you but it seems par for the course these days!

I'd just count my lucky stars I couldn't go and leave them to it! That's if your little ones would be ok with being away without you?

Lapland123 · 30/07/2023 23:50

I understand your feelings, having experienced similar situations. But it’s a win- win- you’re working, you don’t enjoy time with them, they can go and have a nice time with the extended family.

It’s a good way forward too for the future.

I think it’s much more upsetting to be dragged into the weekend away/ holiday with the in-laws that you don’t want.

Enjoy a rare bit of peace when you get in from work at the weekend!

DuplicateUserName · 30/07/2023 23:51

PeloMom · 30/07/2023 23:46

@DuplicateUserName just because they share kids doesn’t mean he can decide to take the kids unilaterally and allow his family to treat his wife this way.
this is a two yes one no decision and she wasn’t even involved in the discussion.

According to you it should be the OP's decision.

She's taken the kids abroad for a holiday with her parents. She doesn't like his parents, she has no holiday left this year.

It's a no brainer that he should be 'allowed' to take the kids on a holiday with his parents without her.

Blueskysunflower · 30/07/2023 23:51

If your partner didn’t get on with your parents, and in any case couldn’t get the time off work, would you not visit your parents with the kids? Would you be ok with him behaving the way you are if the situation was reversed?

If the issue is you don’t like your in-laws or get on with them, as opposed to they’re abusive or neglectful or otherwise awful people or unsuitable Grandparents, then accept that your children and partner have a right to a closer relationship with them than you want to have and wave them off graciously. It’s one trip, with a capable parent and your children aren’t babies.

And the idea of being upset about not being stuck in a caravan with a group of people you don’t like, don’t get on with and have sought to limit contact with is absurd. The very last thing I’d do with someone I was low contact with is go on a caravan holiday with them.

Magneta · 30/07/2023 23:52

I think this is more about your partner - the part they played in the conversation with your family and the dynamic between you.

It was your partner's job to at least say hang on, I need to talk this through with @Isthisrea.

Interesting choice of username.

Magneta · 30/07/2023 23:52

*conversation with their family, not your family

Yea2023 · 30/07/2023 23:53

OP do you think your DP did this on purpose? Confirmed the booking for when you cannot go?

I can see both sides tbh, the in-laws behaviour wouldn’t bother me but I’d have expected by DH to have a chat with me before confirming.
I’d be hurt that he didn’t see us as a unit/didn’t consider my feelings and I’m generally not even the clingy type!

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 23:55

Magneta · 30/07/2023 23:52

I think this is more about your partner - the part they played in the conversation with your family and the dynamic between you.

It was your partner's job to at least say hang on, I need to talk this through with @Isthisrea.

Interesting choice of username.

What is there to talk through?

She has no holiday left this year because they took the kids on holiday to see her parents.

She has no holiday left and she doesn't like her partner's parents.

She believes everyone should put the holiday on hold until she eventually accrues more holiday, even though she's limited the time she spends with these people because she doesn't like them.

She'd have to be a control freak to tell her partner he and the kids couldn't go without her.

TeapotTitties · 30/07/2023 23:57

Yea2023 · 30/07/2023 23:53

OP do you think your DP did this on purpose? Confirmed the booking for when you cannot go?

I can see both sides tbh, the in-laws behaviour wouldn’t bother me but I’d have expected by DH to have a chat with me before confirming.
I’d be hurt that he didn’t see us as a unit/didn’t consider my feelings and I’m generally not even the clingy type!

Confirmed the booking for when you cannot go?

What, like for any time before the end of this year??

LNEAX · 30/07/2023 23:58

It’s completely fair of them to go away without you for a short break while you’re working, enjoy the freedom! Though yes you have every right to at least be included in the conversation in some way considering they’re your (young) children. This may be on DP’s head though, not necessarily your in-laws. Try to plan some things you can do that you normally can’t do with kids, go shopping etc, so this becomes a healthier situation, in your mind at least, as it seems like this is only adding to pent up bitterness / discontent which in laws may feed on

DisquietintheRanks · 30/07/2023 23:59

I think it would be quite controlling to say your husband can't take the children on holiday with his family just because you don't like them.

And although it would be polite of them to invite you it's probably sensible that they didn't - and sensible of you not to want to go.

HamBone · 30/07/2023 23:59

I agree with some PP’s that they should have asked you out of politeness, but the situation is a win-win for you really. You won’t be cooped up in a caravan with people you don’t like and your children/your DH can spend time with his side of the family. It’s far easier this way.

My DC are teenagers now, but I’ve always been happy for them to spend time with DH’s family/mine without both parents being there. It definitely stretches annual leave.

Yea2023 · 31/07/2023 00:01

TeapotTitties · 30/07/2023 23:57

Confirmed the booking for when you cannot go?

What, like for any time before the end of this year??

Show quote history

from OP
I have been talking extra hours at work and have built up “ additional holiday”, but I need more than a week’s notice to book time off.

OP could have got time off if given more than a weeks notice.

No need for the smart arse comment, I only asked a question.

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 00:04

My daughter in law actually properly hates me. Luckily my son does not.
We invite her to everything and then if she wants to refuse she can.

My son would never be able to visit us alone she would not allow that and the grandchildren only see us with her there too. Her decision to attend or not to.

His parents may actually just want time with their son, it's not that odd for mum's to want to spend time with their children.

I would take it as a win win tbh.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 31/07/2023 00:10

I'm going to go against the grain and say OP you aren't being unreasonable to have an expectation of the plan being communicated to you and the offer being open for you to attend should you chose to. Your lack of holiday availability etc shouldn't play into whether you get asked or not. If you can't/won't make it, that's on you and would be far better than being excluded. I think they've deliberately planned it in a way that wouldn't work for you; however not all blame rests with your Inlaws. Your partner has clearly been consulted and has no doubt indicated that they+kids are available to join them.

I'd be redirecting some of your annoyance towards your partner for planning something without considering that maybe you'd like to go; regardless of the state of the relationship with the Inlaws. I totally understand the low contact without downright hatred/animosity and quite possibly spending a few days together might actually improve things- if you feel welcome and included as opposed to further excluded compounding your initial reason for reducing contact.

Magneta · 31/07/2023 00:15

WhateverMate · 30/07/2023 23:55

What is there to talk through?

She has no holiday left this year because they took the kids on holiday to see her parents.

She has no holiday left and she doesn't like her partner's parents.

She believes everyone should put the holiday on hold until she eventually accrues more holiday, even though she's limited the time she spends with these people because she doesn't like them.

She'd have to be a control freak to tell her partner he and the kids couldn't go without her.

Show quote history

No, you don't decide to take children away from their mother for several nights unilaterally without even asking her first. Especially with such young children - OP says both under 5 so likely one is only 2yo or so.

It's just basic respect and joint parenting.

TeapotTitties · 31/07/2023 00:15

Yea2023 · 31/07/2023 00:01

from OP
I have been talking extra hours at work and have built up “ additional holiday”, but I need more than a week’s notice to book time off.

OP could have got time off if given more than a weeks notice.

No need for the smart arse comment, I only asked a question.

Show quote history

Also from the OP...

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year

So they're supposed to hang about until she accrues enough TOIL to eventually grace the couple with whom she wants limited contact with, with her presence?

Nope.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/07/2023 00:16

YABU.

You can't have it both ways. Limited contact means no shared holidays.

HappiDaze · 31/07/2023 00:19

You clearly don't like them so how can you not understand what a dreadful holiday it would be if you were there

Yea2023 · 31/07/2023 00:20

TeapotTitties · 31/07/2023 00:15

Also from the OP...

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year

So they're supposed to hang about until she accrues enough TOIL to eventually grace the couple with whom she wants limited contact with, with her presence?

Nope.

Show quote history

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

From the quote it sounds like she already has the toil but cannot book the time with less than a weeks notice.

For the record I don’t think the in-laws should have to plan around a DIL who they are low contact with. Hence why I said above, their behaviour wouldn’t bother.

BUT

As I asked, does OP think DH confirmed dates were ok on purpose so she couldn’t go which is a reasonable question to the OP.

Nellynoowhoareyou · 31/07/2023 00:27

I voted YANBU but if your partner wants to go with the kids then I don’t really see why he and they should suffer. Maybe it would make sense for you to try harder with his family (you can be friendly while asserting boundaries).

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