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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
User452023 · 02/08/2023 08:50

I think they should have asked. It's disrespectful not to, but they didnt ask because Mil don't like you and you in turn don't like her because she was overbearing and disrespectful to you.

Good for you anyway to put her in her place. She probably wanted to control you, and you showed her that you're no fool.

Even if they asked you to go would it be wise to go if she doesn't like you? I don't think so.

Just because you married her son it doesn't give her the right to be disrespectful towards you.

No one will be good enough for her son I guess.

It's down to him to take a stand about how she treats you by telling her to treat you nicely.

LovelyIssues · 02/08/2023 09:32

You barely have contact with them and have used up all your holiday. Why would you assume you'd still be going on the holiday?

T1Dmama · 02/08/2023 10:18

This is a difficult one.
You don’t like them very much would probably cause friction on a holiday, I think you and your DP would be more upset if they holidayed with his sister and her family and left yours out completely??… you’d probably be on here asking ‘I know they don’t like me but they should’ve invited my DP & DC?!

It’s tough not being considered but maybe they just think you’ll enjoy the break too (time without DC).

Also look at it the other way round… if your DP didn’t like your parents, would you just never see them? Or would you take the children and visit without him? I wouldn’t give up seeing my parents or spending time with them for my partner however much he/she meant to me.. I love my parents too and want my DC to have a relationship with them.

Have you spoken to your DP about it all? What’s his views?
now the kids are through the baby stage could you make efforts to rebuild relations with his family? I know it’s tough when people are overbearing with opinions on how to raise children but that’s down to your DP to state that they need to back off.

My family doesn’t get on with my siblings partners. It’s such a difficult one because if my parents invited my brother and his DC on a holiday but also invited his wife, not only would she ruin the holiday but I wouldn’t go because I don’t want to be anywhere near the woman!… (but there’s a lot of trauma involved in my situation!)…. Have you actually ever had an argument with them or did you just go low contact with no explanation?

Im also a little concerned that this is a lie… I’m not sure anyone can book a caravan ‘last minute’ during the 6 weeks holidays.. I mean most places are booked up months in advance.. so have they booked it months ago and kept it quiet? Did DP know about it or have they just invited him last minute so that you couldn’t get time off?

Whatever the situation though, your best bet is to enjoy your days off and arrange to go out with friends, book a spa day, get your hair and nails done or whatever… but just give yourself a pleasant weekend on the days you’re not working! Be sure to tell DP that since they’re all having a holiday you’ll be treating yourself too! He’ll tell his mum that you are making the most of the break - so if she is doing this to be mean to you then she’ll know it’s backfired and actually think she’s done you a favour! However I’m sure they’ve just booked a holiday and wanted to spend time with the grandchildren!

Maybe it was innocent and they booked and when they mentioned to your DP he just said ‘@Isthisrea is working so will just be me and the kids’ (maybe this was the only weekend available for months).

But I holiday every summer with just me and DC, my DH used to come too but he was difficult, so I started booking without him. Nothing worse than going away with someone who doesn't fully want to be there!

Mumof2teens79 · 02/08/2023 10:32

They should have asked your partner and your partner should have asked you if you wanted to go, not answer for you.
This is on him.

I think it's fine for him to go, and the kids, but he should have discussed with you first. However its you that has limited contact so he is probably just assuming you don't want to go.

GillianCarole · 02/08/2023 16:06

If the children are under 10, I can understand why you wouldn't want them going on holiday without you. It is rude for the family to expect your children to go, and deliberately not include you. I wouldn't want my children to miss out on a holiday just because I couldn't be there, but his family could have been nicer about it. They sound extremely rude.

Marytattoo · 02/08/2023 18:06

OP, I think your response is appropriate. It seems that your family going on vacation without you is not the issue. The issue is the great lengths everyone went to so you wouldn't know (weird, because you'd clearly notice their absence). From my perspective it's odd. Whatever your issues are with your in-laws, you've not kept them away from their very young grandkids.

What was your partner's rationale for keeping this from you? I think that's a huge issue between you two based upon the info here.

Isthisrea · 02/08/2023 19:51

It’s largely a miss-understanding, as one poster suggested it was “quick, let’s book this caravan before it goes”. It wasn’t deliberately planned so I can’t attend, but at the same time I certainly wasn’t top priority either😂 I will try to move on from this issue now. I did overreact, but it has made me think about how I fit within the family dynamics. It’s a chicken and egg situation- was it that I felt not overly welcomed combined with not being able to tolerate that much advice and interference and went LC or has the LC made the family pull back from me…

There’s a lot of spot on comments: not being able to have it both ways, grieving about not having this life back home and having my family around the children, projecting my feelings on the situation etc.
Thanks to everyone who showed their support and to those who shared a different point of view. No gratitude for the haters, if you are one of them please think about how you express yourself before posting.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 03/08/2023 03:05

Please make the most of the weekend … you can choose what to eat without anyone complaining ‘I don’t like that’…. Or wanting to take stuff off your plate!…In fact treat yourself to that meal no one else likes. You can put your feet up and choose to watch anything you want without having to do baths, hair, read stories etc!…. Lay in!!…. I mean what is a Lay in when you have kids that young???
recharge your batteries …Enjoy it. Xx

BlastedIce · 03/08/2023 04:58

T1Dmama · 03/08/2023 03:05

Please make the most of the weekend … you can choose what to eat without anyone complaining ‘I don’t like that’…. Or wanting to take stuff off your plate!…In fact treat yourself to that meal no one else likes. You can put your feet up and choose to watch anything you want without having to do baths, hair, read stories etc!…. Lay in!!…. I mean what is a Lay in when you have kids that young???
recharge your batteries …Enjoy it. Xx

the weekend away has been cancelled.

ForZingyReader · 10/02/2024 07:06

I think it’s strange you expect an actual invite when it’s your own husband and children. You are the wife of your husband and the mother of your children isn’t it kind of implied you would be invited? Do you really need your in-laws to explicitly spell out for you that you are invited?

And if you aren’t invited and your husband is totally fine with the mother of his children and his wife being excluded you have a rather large spouse problem more than an in law problem that he would still put his family of origin first over his own wife.

ForZingyReader · 10/02/2024 07:12

Wait I also want to add this is so foreign to me. If your in-laws ask your husband to attend a family trip you don’t assume that you as his wife are automatically included in that? Since the wife is the husband’s family and they are married?

you guys all really expect your in-laws to specifically reach out to you to invite you personally to each and every event?

if my in laws called my husband up and said they are planning a family vacation over the summer I would figure that would be on my husband to ask me the dates that work best for me and then get back to his parents. I would never ever take it as they literally just meant for him to go because that would be so odd to me I’m his wife!

I would take it as they reached out to him because he is their son and it’s the responsibility of their son to arrange dates with his family and get back to his parents.

if my in laws call my husband to invite him over for Sunday dinner it doesn’t even cross my mind to ask him if I’m invited I’m his wife of course the invite is for both of us.

Londonrach1 · 10/02/2024 07:12

You dont like them, don't see them. Gone on holiday with your boyfriend and the children with your family. Don't see the issue re him taking the children with his family on holiday especially as you can't go as you working and wouldn't as don't see them. Sounds like a win to me for you as you get a few days to just be you and relax.

NeedToChangeName · 10/02/2024 07:13

Zombie thread

And the trip was cancelled

sanityisamyth · 10/02/2024 08:03

ForZingyReader · 10/02/2024 07:06

I think it’s strange you expect an actual invite when it’s your own husband and children. You are the wife of your husband and the mother of your children isn’t it kind of implied you would be invited? Do you really need your in-laws to explicitly spell out for you that you are invited?

And if you aren’t invited and your husband is totally fine with the mother of his children and his wife being excluded you have a rather large spouse problem more than an in law problem that he would still put his family of origin first over his own wife.

I think it's strange you replied to a 6 month old thread. What's the point?!

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