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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:13

mummy21blueeyed · 31/07/2023 01:01

If my child’s paternal grandparent was good enough and wanted to take my daughter away with her dad or without I’d let them the more my child experiences the better.

Finally.

This is a holiday for your children to experience. Why should they miss out because you have used all of your leave seeing your parents.

You don't like them and are miffed they have excluded you??
Sounds to me you want it all your own way. When you are part of a family you have some of your way some of the time.

Seaside3 · 31/07/2023 02:14

WhateverMate · 31/07/2023 01:01

They don't sound welcoming at all.

How welcoming would you be towards someone who doesn't like you and has therefore chosen to limit contact with you @Seaside3 ? Confused

People need to respect boundaries here.

Personally I'd like to think I'd be welcoming enough to realise that the mum may want to come on a family jolly and at least hope I'd be polite enough to ask.
I also know there is no way I would book a weekend away without speaking 1st to my partner, and that he would be as courteous back.
Just as a note to those talking about sharing caravans... they don't have to share, I'm assuming there's an option for them to have their own, should they wish.

Op, i still think they're rude. Your children will come.to no harm going, but you should have been given the choice.

Maddy70 · 31/07/2023 02:18

It's just a a weekend away ....you are working and can't get the time off. You aren't being left out

Tohaveandtohold · 31/07/2023 02:20

I don’t think the in-laws have done anything bad here. Let’s even put aside the fact that op can’t attend as she does not have holiday left, she does not have a ‘family’ relationship with the in-laws as she has said, she’s low contact with them, at the moment, they are having a family holiday and I can’t see why you should be included since you don’t relate to them as family. I can’t imagine inviting someone who does not like me to come and spend time with me when I’m on holiday to relax, it doesn’t work like that.
I bet they’ll have to be walking on egg shells the whole time, that can’t work.
You don’t like them and I feel they already know that and maybe they don’t like you either, it’s best you’re all civil to each other but don’t expect to be invited to the fun parts, you don’t get to choose when you’ll be low contact or not

Fruitandclottedcream · 31/07/2023 02:28

OP, you don't like her and she doesn't like you do why do you expect to be invited? I'm guessing you'd also bitch and moan if you were expected to attend?

Me and my MIL have limited contact to maintain a civil relationship. I absolutely dread being invited to things and love it when they don't want me there 😂

Belle420 · 31/07/2023 02:55

I honestly don’t get why you receiving so much hate from people…. Personally, I believe it’s a tough one.
I would not go as far to say you are being unreasonable at all. You have every right to feel the way you feel as you are the mother of those children and you probs feel you will miss out on having a nice time with them and making memories.
I am guessing that they planned it without you, so even if you theoretically could book it off, you still wasn’t invited? 🥺 The reason why I think it’s a tough one, is because All though you have every right to feel the way you feel, so don’t feel bad about that, especially with them being so young. As much as the father is capable I would still want to go… However, on the other hand, as others have said, just not so kindly, is that you should let them go and have some fun, give yourself a break, enjoy the freedom. If your partner is truly capable of looking after them, I am sure he won’t put them in harms way, and if they visit weekly and you believe they are safe in their hands then why not 🙌
If your relationship with his side of the family is not well, then you don’t want to go and feel awful the whole time, or keep looking over your shoulder because they make you uncomfortable. Take a breath, and don’t let it bother you. Don’t let them get to you. What is it that you are truly worried about the most ?

I would also like to add… People are also bashing why they think you MIL etc don’t like you but I don’t think it’s anything to do with your personality or attitude as someone basically said to be honest. Some people Can’t help but come up with opinions about others without any reason and don’t like the idea of others being in a happy relationship, especially mothers from the males side. They seem to think us females have other ulterior motive and can’t see past it.
I currently don’t have a relationship with my partners mum. We was okay at first, but I feel like for the last 2 years we have no relationship now and she’s done nothing but try to make me uncomfortable enough for me to leave him. However it’s not worked, and she clearly isn’t too happy with it. But I have given her no reason to hate me. I think it’s a protective thing I’m not too sure.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 03:00

rwalker · 30/07/2023 23:05

You all don’t like each other your just being purposely difficult about this

This!

if they had asked, it would be “they knew I could t come, that’s the only reason they asked”

They’ll have a fab time with their GPs.

slore · 31/07/2023 03:42

YANBU. It's completely inappropriate and plain wrong for extended family to take pre-school children away on a holiday without their mother, without even consulting her or inviting her. No matter what the circumstances.

They should have asked via your husband if this was ok, or if you wanted to book your own caravan nearby, or whatever.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/07/2023 04:12

Presumably your partner also spends most of his holiday allowance visiting your home country. So
Only fair he can go somewhere he wants to go.

JasonOsCubanHeels · 31/07/2023 04:25

PeloMom · 30/07/2023 23:41

People who don’t like me or in this case , disrespect me (because this is very disrespectful) don’t get to spend time with my kid/s. I wouldn’t be ok with this. They should have invited you and included you. Now if you can’t/ don’t want to go or don’t want your kids to go- should be your decision.

The children have two parents - why shouldn’t their dad get to take them on holiday?

is this the issue OP that you aren’t in control of your children if he takes them on holiday?

electriclight · 31/07/2023 05:22

You decided to go low contact with his family yet didn't have the foresight to see that this could have some occasional negative consequences for you? Like this, missing out on a family holiday that you obviously want to go on. Are they supposed to run around after you forever, even when you've made it so clear that they don't like you?

They asked your dh before they booked anything. He presumably will have said that you don't have holiday left and wouldn't want to come anyway.

I disagree with pp who thinks he should be automatically backing you up. He is treading a difficult line between his family and you, and should judge every interaction and situation individually. He may not agree that his mum is overbearing. He may think you have overreacted or unnecessarily made your own lives more difficult than they need to be. He may think you behaved entirely correctly but still want his kids to have a holiday with his family.

742EvergreenTerrace · 31/07/2023 05:26

I love the only love heart reaction was to the one poster whose views aligned with yours, and ignoring or being sneering to the posters who said you were b.u. Lol. You just wanted someone to agree with you and not even take any heed of any other opinion

yabu

ChubbyMorticia · 31/07/2023 05:45

Honestly, I’d take it as a win.

I can’t imagine a more miserable way to spend a holiday than with people who make me miserable. And in a caravan? Sounds like a circle of Hell Dante forgot to mention.

It’s a weekend. You’re working. Sounds like a brilliant plan, honestly. If you were going to be home and not invited, I’d definitely see a problem. But as it stands, I consider it a win-win. The kids get a weekend away without tension between their mom and grandparents, you get a peaceful weekend to chill out and relax.

Heck, I’d lean into it, and plan to eat meals that the kids won’t touch, have whatever my favourite treats are, binge watch favourite movies and shows. A long, uninterrupted nap, soak in the tub…

Ignore any possible negative intentions, and turn it into a glorious weekend for yourself. The bonus aspect is that if they WERE intending to be insulting or hurtful, hearing about how you pampered yourself all weekend and thoroughly enjoyed yourself will tick them off.

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 31/07/2023 05:59

YABU

ThinWomansBrain · 31/07/2023 06:05

you don't like them - a weekend in a caravan would be hell
you're working, but other than that, enjoy a peaceful weekend

Motnight · 31/07/2023 06:12

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/07/2023 01:19

If you'd been asked, would you have accepted? Because a week in a caravan with people you don't like is awful.

DH and I have family all over the place and often go in random combinations depending on money, availability, preference. It's a much easier and happier way to go about it, rather than worrying whether people you dislike are rude or not.

The only piece is DH booking it before talking to you. That wouldn't fly.

@MMrsTerryPratchett raises a good point. Would you have gone if you had been invited?

I think that if you are low contact, that is absolutely fine but you need to understand what that might mean for you now and in the future.

What does your DH think about it all?

NotTerfNorCis · 31/07/2023 06:23

It's a cold thing to do - to invite young kids on a holiday without asking their mum. She should have been involved in the planning.

Timeisallwehave · 31/07/2023 06:38

YANBU, I would have expected there to be a conversation to discuss

ImNotReallySpartacus · 31/07/2023 06:40

I just can't understand why your in-laws don't want you there.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 31/07/2023 06:42

You can’t physically go so its not like they have pushed you out on purpose and you don’t like his family anyway so probably wouldn’t enjoy yourself. Honestly I think I’d be making the most of having a day or two to myself and the chance to relax.

Original poster
Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 06:45

Thanks for everyone’s input, I was shocked at the lack of understanding at the initial responses, but I’m relieved to see that some of the most recent posters understand my concerns and situation.

Living here has been very alienating, as it’s a small town and not very open to foreigners.
There are significant differences in world-views and values between my partner’s family and I. It’s neither party’s fault we don’t see eye to eye. We are polite, but very superficial in conversation. This is isolating in itself,but not being considered when booking holiday has taken it to another level.
When I say limited contact, I mean we wouldn’t call each other for coffee or a chat, we will see each other when the children are involved, but keep our distance.

As already mentioned I feel that my partner, kids and I are one unit and we go together. In my country you accept the partner as part of the family whether you like them or not. Regardless of differences, everyone’s partners are invited to gatherings, Christmas, birthday parties.
I feel like there’s a presumption from a lot of posters that as my MIL and I don’t gel, she is excused for not wanting me there… this sounds absurd.. would I be excused for hosting a family party without inviting her…No, because that would be very rude, we are family (not but choice) and have to put up with each other on occasions.

The most objective/ helpful point of view is that it wouldn’t be particularly pleasant to spend a weekend together in a caravan anyway, so let them have fun and enjoy my time alone.

Something that seemingly only a few posters understand is that when we go abroad to visit my home country we do so to mainly get my parents to spend time with the children, which my MIL and SIL get to do on a weekly basis.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 31/07/2023 06:46

Both parents should have been consulted d out this. The dcs are the op's children too. She is also responsible for them and the in laws do not get to decide for her. They are not the parents.

This is the in laws again railroading and trying to make decisions for the op's family without consulting her.

I wouldn't let my very young dcs go on holiday with people who had behaved badly towards me.

My dcs and I, when they were young, come as a package. You don't get to disrespect the mother or father.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Totaly · 31/07/2023 06:55

So from my perspective, my partner, children and I are a family unit

We are also a family unit but that doesn’t mean we have to spend every spare minute together.

I have taken the children on holiday and to visit family without DH because I had more holidays than him. He got to enjoy a break without the kids! He has also trim them away to see his family without me.

This year I’m away with a friend, I went pre Covid with another friend. DH has been in stag dos and lads only holidays.

I think you need to stop worrying about it so much and be pleased your children are loved and you get some free time!!

CapEBarra · 31/07/2023 07:00

You don’t like them. They don’t like you. Why would you expect to be invited? They wouldn’t want you there and you wouldn’t want to be there. I don’t think you DP and kids should miss out on the fun because you and his parents don’t get along. You get to not go to a caravan with your in-laws, and the weekend to yourself. That’s a massive win as far as I’m concerned. Do something nice - go out, treat yourself to a swim/walk on the beach/nice dinner and some wine/ticket to a gig, cinema or theatre/visit a friend - the possibilities are endless.

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