My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

[Isthisrea]

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

If I read your posts correctIy, you made the decision to have minimaI contact with them. If that is the case, they may simpIy see this as respecting your wishes. It's a bit precious to not want contact, then accuse them of sIighting you by not seeking more contact.

PersonaIIy, if it were I, I'd heave a great sigh of reIief, and pIan a IoveIy weekend on my own.

It's pure FOMO.

Low contact means no holidays stuck in a caravan together every day.

It's all part of the OP's decision.

Real lack of empathy for OP here, probably from a bunch of people who live on the same street they were born in and are constantly "popping in and out" of each others houses and go full on tribal to "blow ins".

Meanwhile back in the real world, when a woman from a foreign country is living not only in your country but in your region, so that you can be close to the children, irrespective of whether you naturally gel or not you do the polite and kind thing and make a point of inviting her on your family holiday rather than whisking the children away because "presumably she's busy". You show empathy and consider how maybe the mother of these kids might feel homesick and alienated and you go a step further than you would for someone who has local family and support networks.

OP, YANBU: they sound rude as hell and I'd be disappointed in DP if he hasn't reacted to this.

It’s bizarre to book a holiday for children under 5 and expect their mother not to attend.

They are not missing out on a family holiday as A: They have had a family holiday already as the op stated and B: The grandparents could easily have organised it for a different date when the op was available.

The only reason the kids would be missing out is if we all agree they are the pawns in a bizarre PIL game to put op in a no win situation where she has to either be separated from her kids for a week against her wishes or be accused of being selfish and causing her kids to ‘miss out.’

Just because some commentators would enjoy a break from their kids doesn’t mean op would especially under pressure from others not out of kindness.

However, this is a problem for your partner op. He never should have agreed and even if he was hoodwinked into it he should have either said “no but we are happy to attend a family holiday at an agreed upon date” or “yes, we will attend on this occasion as you have already booked but here are the boundaries for future situations and if you don’t have more consideration for the mother of my children then that’s a problem.”

If you had holiday you could take to go then I’d be upset they didn’t ask, but you don’t, so probably that’s why. I would be more than fine as long as the dad is going being as you say he is competent. I’m fact I’d encourage them to make this an annual thing, the whole house to yourself- bliss, enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Why should op be force separated from her children for a week because her pil are overbearing and needed boundaries. She arranges for them to see the grandchildren every week as stated in her op so maybe she should get the same level of consideration.

You need to talk to your husband and find out what he said to them whilst they were arranging the holiday.

Wow, the amount of responses is overwhelming. I have been abroad to see my family with my partner, not without him.

I've re-read the OP and I can't see anywhere that she's said she arranges for them to see the grandchildren every week?

What she actually said was...

I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

He wasn’t separated from his kids, he went on the holiday and was included and presumably the dates were organised for a time convenient for him to go.

I actually think it’s getting towards abusive territory to separate kids and mother against the mothers wishes. I seriously doubt the people agreeing with this behaviour would put up with it themselves.

I agree, and if my DH was asked if he wanted to go along by his DPs, he would have spoken with me first, even knowing I couldnt make it, its just good manners.
Personally I'd let it go and as others have said , make some real time for yourself x

Thank you for the understanding❤️

I didn't say you'd taken them abroad without him?

But they've been on holiday to see your parents. You don't have any holiday left, so let them enjoy a holiday now with his parents too.

If you can't go when they've booked then you can't go and not being asked is all part and parcel of your decision to go low contact 🤷‍♀️

@DuplicateUserName
But they've been on holiday to see your parents
Did you miss the part where the kids see the ILs piterally every week? You understand that's why they went on holiday there, right? Not for a jolly in which DP was cut out, but to see the grandparents they probably only see once or twice a year?

Not sure how limited contact and a holiday together would work. Sounds like it would be miserable for ALL!

Is it possible that during the initial convo with your DP he was asked if you would want to join them and he shielded and said no because of work?

Hi op, I'd be feeling left out in this situation. It would be simple manners to ask you, even if you couldn't go. They don't sound welcoming at all.
And boo hiss to your partner for not organising a date you could all go.
I hope you manage to have fun whilst they're gone.

It's a weekend, not a week.

They don't sound welcoming at all.

How welcoming would you be towards someone who doesn't like you and has therefore chosen to limit contact with you @Seaside3 ?

People need to respect boundaries here.

If my child’s paternal grandparent was good enough and wanted to take my daughter away with her dad or without I’d let them the more my child experiences the better.

Finally someone is thinking about the kids in this scenario.

👏👏👏

Yes it's abit rude but now you don't have to spend time with his family,you get a weekend off parenting and you get the house to yourself.

Stop worrying about your in-laws and enjoy star fishing the bed,a full nights sleep,a bath in peace,drinking a coffee whilst it's still hot,not having anyone following you to the toilet,blasting the radio,whatever you want on the TV,your favourite foods,a lie in,shopping with a friend etc

Have a bloody great weekend and look after you for a change.

If you'd been asked, would you have accepted? Because a week in a caravan with people you don't like is awful.

DH and I have family all over the place and often go in random combinations depending on money, availability, preference. It's a much easier and happier way to go about it, rather than worrying whether people you dislike are rude or not.

The only piece is DH booking it before talking to you. That wouldn't fly.

The OP has no interest in seeing MIL the other 51 weekends of the year. TBF she makes sure the children see PIL

But now she wants to live together in a caravan with her MIL.

Her MIL is making plans with her child it is his responsibilty to speak with the OP about their children and their weekend arrangments

The worst scenario would be if they had invited you and you had managed to get more holiday and said yes! Honestly, a caravan is not a good place to spend time with people you don't like. It sounds as if you wouldn't be happy whatever they did.

Coincidentally, did you discuss with your partner whether he wanted to spend his main family holiday with your family? Or did you just assume that because you wanted your parents to see your children he would be happy to go along with that?

But why would MIL want you around? You find her overbearing, don't see her much and she knows you don't like her

If I were your MIL I wouldn't want you on holiday with me

And why would you WANT to go on holiday with an overbearing MIL?