My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

[Isthisrea]

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

I understand your feeling! Im assuming your children are quite young. I am also from a very different country, and in the beginning it was very hard for me to see my children spending all this time with his parents, and mine were too far away. And it was very hard to realise that i was kind of grieving. Grieving my idea of my parents as grandparents, grieving the whole bond that my kids could have with my children. And i felt it was unfair that his parents got to spend all this time that my parents were missing. It wasnt an everyday feeling, but it was there.

his parents and i have a great relationship, they are lovely, and they are great with the children. If there was a holiday booked and I wasn’t invited i probably would feel shitty too in the beginning. As its just manners to be inclusive. But wouldn’t take it personally! My children are in primary school now, and a teenager. So for me, now it would be more like “yeah, take them, have fun, dont forget your son… byeee” and have some me time! Catch up with my friends, or even just have precious silence and peace for a bit.

I honestly dont think they are trying to hurt you, or push you away. I think its just cultural differences! I hoe you enjoy your weekend when they are away xx

I appreciate that deep down she is a good person and loves the children

It's lovely to see you say that @Isthisrea . Given that you appreciate that, I wonder if there is hope for you to become closer?
It seems that you'd like to be more part of the family, so might it be worth you visiting with your husband occasionally and building the relationship a bit?

Anyone decent would have invited you even if they knew you couldn’t attend. But I do think it’s ok for your OH to go with the kids even if you can’t.

Difficult to invite or discuss things if you have limited contact.
Why would you 'expect' to be invited if your partner has told them you have no holiday left as it has all been spent with your family.
I think it is good the children are having a short break.
Maybe next year save some holiday for just the four of you.

Ok you feel pushed out BUT just think you’ve got a week to yourself; kick back & enjoy it there aren’t many dads who’d do a weeks holiday with his parents (I know mine wouldn’t have done it it would have been his idea of hell on earth his mother interfering for a full 7 days) it’s not ideal but let’s be honest would you really have wanted to go?
Just let them go & wait & listen to the excitement when they come back you can enjoy long layins; a big glass of wine whilst watching tv with no bed time stories of rushed bath times of course you’ll miss tgem & they’ll miss you but it’s just 7 days x

Why would they ask you? You don’t like them and they don’t like you. However- if it were me I wouldn’t want yo
be apart from my under 5’s for a whole weekend and I can be awkward so I’d say no, you don’t like me, you can’t have my kids. Even though the grown up thing is to be fine with it.

To be honest, they get a holiday and would have otherwise just being doing normal daily life. They knew you wouldn't be ablecto make it and will be great for them all. Would you have the same situation reversed? Never a bad thing to spend a few days away with family. X

Also to add, enjoy some time to yourself xx

It Sounds like your DH told them you were unavailable before an invitation could be given. Although they should have said something like - we wish you could come but we know you are working. Some acknowledgement at least.

I think you should let it go and if you are happy that the kids will enjoy themselves- then enjoy a weekend to yourself. With young children, you could probably do with a break. Make the most of it and see the positive side of the situation.

It's a shame you couldn't go this time.
If you like the idea of being stuck in a caravan in the rain with the in laws you don't like very much, then suggest a holiday when you have accrued/are next able to book annual leave and it's a suitable time for everyone else??
Just a thought.
Personally I couldn't think of anything worse.

Did they talk to you and partner before booking or just book it and expect you're partner and children to go?
How old is youngest?

I am with OP on this.
sorry but some posts have lacked the depth of what’s happened. There is a lot more to this.
They booked a holiday and made sure it was a time you couldn’t go. They made sure they have time with their DS and grandchildren without you. You are a family unit and come together. If there was a discussion that they wanted to book and this was the only time that would have landed better. However totally excluding you speaks volumes about the relationship you are in.

OP- did you want to move closer to them Or was this your DHs decision?

My in-laws always exclude me. So I feel your pain

I'd expect to be consulted tbh. Especially if my children were that young. I personally would have no issue with my OH taking the children on holiday with his family without me, but I'd want to know the arrangements. I am paranoid about young children around water, for instance, so I'd want to know that the site doesn't have a pool or, if it does have a pool, to run through the safety arrangements for making sure an adult is in arm's reach of a child at all times.

What is the reason for them now cancelling the holiday? Did you kick up a fuss about it?

You don't get on, you said mil is over bearing and keep her at a distance. Why would she want to holiday with you? Surely it's a win win. Kids get grandparent time and you get a quiet week

The latest news is that it has now been cancelled and replaced with 2 day trips instead. I will be tagging along on the Sunday one😳
How sad for your children re the cancellation. Re the 😳 face is that because you don't want to go?

Lots of talk about what’s best for the children here but wouldn’t most under-5s prefer to have their mum there too…?

Good you got a resolution and have taken time to reflect.

I also moved to the area my partner is from and with a different background. I know that when I first moved here I thought of a lot of people as cliquey and deliberately snubbing me.

But I only ever saw them in the settings they were comfortable in surrounded by people they had known for years. They seemed very confident and so when I found them hard to engage with it felt like I was the problem.

Over the years when I've encountered them in other settings (entering baby groups alone for example) I've discovered that they are actually really shy and are in fact lovely and friendly.

What I'm trying to say is that when you are the outsider you look in and think that if everyone is so comfortable with each other they should be with you too. But it can be more complicated than that. By virtue of moving across the world I suspect you are more self assured than you perhaps realise. You attribute the same to them because it looks that way but it isn't necessarily so.

So your update suggests that it was originally planned for September and you were invited, but your dh said none of you could go because of school commitments.

So then it was moved to August, and your partner said you wouldn't be able to go as you didn't have any annual leave left.

So really, I can't see what anyone has done wrong. Are you sure it's your mil who is difficult?

And now cancelled altogether. Why?

But you are invited on the days out so your are finally happy I assume. Well done on resolving it to your satisfaction.

Agreed. So you were invited after all. Your mil just hadn’t thought about practicalities and everyone got swept up in booking the caravan last minute before it was no longer available. Unless the September date would have meant missing the first day of school, I would have gone along with it.

Any other date, you could have gone home really early in the morning in Monday or Sunday evening. It is really common for people with school aged children to arrive at accommodation after school hours or to take younger children out of school occasionally on a Friday afternoon and to leave late evening on Sunday or early on Monday morning.

Hold on a minute. They didn’t ask you if it was OK to take your children away or they just didn’t ask if you wanted to join?

if the former then that is incredibly disrespectful and I’d be pretty angry in your place if they asked but didn’t offer you then it’s a slight but not the end of the World. I’m sure they knew you couldn’t come along.

I don’t really understand how you are all living in this toxic situation anyway. Your MIL shouldn’t be overbearing and you should both be working on having a better relationship surely?

I only just got to your updates, not sure why I wasn’t seeing them before.

Tbh, this sounds like she was being very overbearing. I’m not surprised you don’t like her.

No-one would be taking my children anywhere without me unless I knew about it so her booking a holiday was presumptuous and rude.

it sounds like she is a pain and you are just trying to navigate it all. I feel for you, my relationship with my MIL started like this. It’s gotten a lot better but only through talking and some awkward and even slightly heated conversations.

What a horrible thing to say!! She's asking for opinion, debate and conversation.....NOT to be insulted!! Maybe in her culture and tradition things are different. Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you like what you see......

Your in laws are horrible people

Gosh what (another) nasty bitchfest this thread was......you seem like a really nice person and yes you were entitled to be pissed off, it feels like you were pushed out and that what you want/your opinion means nothing. Almost as if you're not accepted as part of the family. Feels to me that the problem was the principal......MN chose to make it a thread of insults and bitchy unhelpful comments. I expect you encounter these type of women often as today's young thug ladies have double standards, are massive Hippocrates, they seem to really hate men (unless they're paying them for onlyfans services, which seems to be perfectly acceptable) and are generally really REALLY unpleasant human beings!! I would have been pleased that my in-laws were taking the children with their father......if they weren't all drinkers. Take care OP you're a lot nicer that the shit posted here