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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner’s family booked a holiday without me

314 replies

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 22:32

Hi, looking for opinions on this situation:

I’m from another country, my partner is from England. We used to live in London, but shortly before our children were born we moved out of London so we could buy a house. We settled near to his family; after our children were born the relationship between me and my partner’s family deteriorated. I found MIL very overbearing and after a few intense situations, I have limited contact with her. MIL and FIL see children weekly.

I used up all my holiday for visiting my home country with my partner and children and have no holiday left for this year, I work part time (3 days during the week and every Saturday).

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend. There has been no mention of me attending (I’m working on Saturday and can’t book any time off).
My partner is more than capable of looking after the children. However I feel sad and don’t think it’s appropriate to book a holiday for my children(both under 5) without me being there…Am I over reacting or you think this is ok?

OP posts:
JaukiVexnoydi · 31/07/2023 07:02

Of course yabu

Children have more holidays than adults throughout schooling. Adults get 5.6 weeks annual leave, kids get at least 13 weeks.

Therefore it's totally normal for wider family to take kids for some of the time and yes sometimes this will be "taking them on holiday" somewhere fun without you rather than just sitting at home.

You have used up all your annual leave already. You can't go on this holiday. Your kids can and presumably your DH has more leave or more flexibility.

This is fine. No issue.

BlastedPimples · 31/07/2023 07:06

@BlastedIce but you would expect to be consulted, right?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 31/07/2023 07:11

Something that seemingly only a few posters understand is that when we go abroad to visit my home country we do so to mainly get my parents to spend time with the children, which my MIL and SIL get to do on a weekly basis.

I don't understand why this is relevant to anything, really.

You're the one that chose to move and who chose to have children in a different country to your parents. That's not the fault of your in-laws in any way.

Autumnsoon · 31/07/2023 07:11

You are a family
they can’t pick and choose who they want to see .
what happens at Christmas,are you left home alone while your dp takes your kids ..that’s not on ,not fair .
your dp needs to be firmer with them and tell them it’s all of as a family or none of you .
in a normal situation it would be fine for dad to take the kids away while u were at work ..your hurt ,because this isn’t a normal situation and it’s adding to the hurt you feel .
dp needs to sort his folks out

Echobelly · 31/07/2023 07:11

Do they know you have used up all your leave? If so, seems fair enough for them to have booked it - otherwise a bit rude not to at least ask you. Perfectly fine for one parent to take kids without the other - plenty of people do that either due to leave limitations of one parent or even just to give them a break (my brother took his kids away for a week every summer to give SIL a break when they were younger)

GigiAnnna · 31/07/2023 07:13

NotTerfNorCis · 31/07/2023 06:23

It's a cold thing to do - to invite young kids on a holiday without asking their mum. She should have been involved in the planning.

Agree, especially seeing as they are under 5. I doubt many who have said the OP is unreasonable would be happy to be separated from their young children without consultation and not feel at least a little bit hurt.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 07:17

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LAMPS1 · 31/07/2023 07:19

You limited contact with them in order to have a civil relationship. That’s what you wanted, probably not what they wanted but they have to put up with it because you are in control.
At the same time you say they are rude for not inviting you and think you should have been invited. You can’t go anyway as you can’t get time off. So why did you want to be invited …was it so that you could snub them and say no.
They are in control of this little holiday not you. They suspect / know you don’t like them as you limit contact with them. So they haven’t invited you. Of course they have invited their son and grandchildren who I’m sure they love dearly. You can’t control that.
So I think it’s fair enough that they didn’t invite you OP.
Your DH should take the children and you should stop complaining as you got what you wanted….limited contact which suits you all.

BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 07:19

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BlastedIce · 31/07/2023 07:21

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CantFindTheBeat · 31/07/2023 07:22

OP

This doesn't sound like a 'holiday' - it sounds like a caravan weekend at short notice.

I think that's fine to book when not everyone can go.

If they'd planned a special holiday, like a Disneyland trip, for instance, without you, that would have been a very different story.

Missingmyusername · 31/07/2023 07:28

I think you should’ve been invited, but they shouldn’t have to book it around you. If it was for a week, if it was a special holiday then yes, but it’s a weekend of camping. Close quarters with people you aren’t fussy on. I wouldn’t even want to go.
DH and I get a lot of leave but we can’t take all holidays off together, it’s not possible.

Whattheactualwhatnow · 31/07/2023 07:29

OP. But it’s not that you weren’t invited at all. The break was planned through your partner, who said you weren’t available. If you had been available you would be going too.
Your issue is that they didn’t move their planned to accommodate you. That’s where you are unreasonable.

Maybe that’s the only weekend the rest of them can do? To expect all the in laws to change their plans for you, when you are low contact with them anyway, isn’t realistic.

Dads take their kids to spend time with family without mums all the time, it’s about the kids not the parents, so let them enjoy this and you enjoy some time to yourself.

Epidote · 31/07/2023 07:29

You can't book time off. Where is the problem? Your DP family want to expend some time with him and your DC, as your family logically wants.

You got the perfect excuse for not going they got the perfect excuse for not invite you. If you want to go in the future save some days for it next year. If not child free and in-laws free time for you.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 31/07/2023 07:31

Did your DP talk it through with you? If so then I don’t see the issue.

DDivaStar · 31/07/2023 07:31

Isthisrea · 30/07/2023 23:11

I think that if we got on, there would have been an attempt to organise the holiday when everyone has availability.
I have been talking extra hours at work and have built up “ additional holiday”, but I need more than a week’s notice to book time off.
Thanks for your comment, it has given me food for thought.

Show quote history

So you do have holiday ? Or may have holiday to take later in the year ?

Tbh if you're limited contact you will not be top of the priority list. They won't want to switch their summer break to October cos that's when you've built up some extra holiday. Being in a caravan with people you like and get on with can be tricky with those you don't could cause even further friction.

Ideally you'd all go off playing happy families but I think in your situation you need to accept it might be best just to let your parter get on with it.

HopelessEstateAgents · 31/07/2023 07:37

A caravan holiday with in laws sounds like utter hell. Especially in this weather,

Instead you have been gifted a child free weekend to relax after work

Best deal ever.

OhwhyOY · 31/07/2023 07:38

Wow, shocked and horrified by all these people saying YABU to expect an invite when you and ILs don't get on. Of course you should still be invited, as you say you are a family unit and it is incredibly rude not to invite you. Why is your DH putting up with this and not telling them their behaviour is a disgrace? Even if they said 'we are planning to book this holiday, appreciate it is short notice so if you can all come please do if you can't that is fine', at least they'd be pretending they wanted you to join which would be something. If I were DH I'd say 'ah OP has managed to get time off work so she can join, hope that's ok' and see what they say. If it's clear you are unwelcome then I (DH) wouldn't go.

Zanatdy · 31/07/2023 07:39

I see no issue with this at all

WellPlaced · 31/07/2023 07:39

Does your DP spend most Saturdays with them whilst you’re working?

I think it’s ok tbh. Could you join them when you’ve finished work for the rest of the weekend? If not plan something nice for yourself whilst you have the time, meet a friend for lunch or something

ElFupacabra · 31/07/2023 07:43

The kids see the in-laws weekly. In what way? Does your DP take them alone? Or are they providing childcare?

WellPlaced · 31/07/2023 07:43

I also think you need to reframe this in your head. Your children will have an amazing time with their Dad and grandparents and that should be the focus. I think the more people who can enhance our children’s life the better.

WellPlaced · 31/07/2023 07:47

My partner’s family ( his parents, sister and her partner) have booked a caravan holiday next weekend and my partner and children are expected to attend.

’expected’ to attend
You do realise that they probably want to go and are excited don’t you?

nevynevster · 31/07/2023 07:49

Isthisrea · 31/07/2023 06:45

Thanks for everyone’s input, I was shocked at the lack of understanding at the initial responses, but I’m relieved to see that some of the most recent posters understand my concerns and situation.

Living here has been very alienating, as it’s a small town and not very open to foreigners.
There are significant differences in world-views and values between my partner’s family and I. It’s neither party’s fault we don’t see eye to eye. We are polite, but very superficial in conversation. This is isolating in itself,but not being considered when booking holiday has taken it to another level.
When I say limited contact, I mean we wouldn’t call each other for coffee or a chat, we will see each other when the children are involved, but keep our distance.

As already mentioned I feel that my partner, kids and I are one unit and we go together. In my country you accept the partner as part of the family whether you like them or not. Regardless of differences, everyone’s partners are invited to gatherings, Christmas, birthday parties.
I feel like there’s a presumption from a lot of posters that as my MIL and I don’t gel, she is excused for not wanting me there… this sounds absurd.. would I be excused for hosting a family party without inviting her…No, because that would be very rude, we are family (not but choice) and have to put up with each other on occasions.

The most objective/ helpful point of view is that it wouldn’t be particularly pleasant to spend a weekend together in a caravan anyway, so let them have fun and enjoy my time alone.

Something that seemingly only a few posters understand is that when we go abroad to visit my home country we do so to mainly get my parents to spend time with the children, which my MIL and SIL get to do on a weekly basis.

Whilst I understand you would expect to be treated as a single family unit, I think it's also just not the same expectation for all families.
I think it's really great that your DP is up for taking the kids away and you get a few days peace and quiet. There's no need to always do everything as a family unit and it's healthy for your DP to be capable of looking after the kids for a few days without you.
Without knowing the conversation between your DP and family it's hard to know how else to respond. They may have said "we are booking this caravan holiday as this weekend suits us best, do you want to come?" And he said "sure but Isthisrea can't". Or it may be that he had said you are working this weekend and they said "come along to the caravan hol then". I mean there's many different ways that this was not "excluding" you and of course there are also ways that it was excluding as they know you are not massively a fan/wouldn't enjoy a very intense family holiday with them.
Either way you can choose to see this as them doing something that suits you aka Having a holiday with your DP that you wouldn't enjoy at a time that doesn't inconvenience you (as you are working). Or you can choose to be bothered and feel they are being mean. I think it's worth just trying to accept it as a kind gesture especially if they've discussed with DP before booking

GigiAnnna · 31/07/2023 07:52

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I think the issue is that the inlaws have made plans for her kids without asking her, or an attempt to include her in the plans in any way. To be honest I'm not sure how I'd feel with my husband taking the kids away without me. He's perfectly capable, but we have 4 kids, 2 with a disability and can be challenging when in a new situation, so that might be changing my view slightly.

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