Not to give desert…

Mumof3premies · 2023-07-30T18:55:09+00:00

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her. Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together. I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it. So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite…. shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’ we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it. my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away… so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner. now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out! mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

Hankunamatata · 30/07/2023 19:57

Yanbu

ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 19:59

As an overweight woman, who has struggled with their weight their whole life, please never use food as a reward or a punishment.

You are using “cake and ice cream” as a reward, and “fruit or toast” as a punishment. This is bad.

You put her tea in front of her, she eats as much or as little as she wants … try to avoid “eating it all up” as something to be rewarded. You then have a dessert … and if she is struggling with weight why would that option be cake ?

DeedlessIndeed · 30/07/2023 20:00

YANBU, does your DH flip flop on rules for your shared children too? Or is it just SD?

user64827771 · 30/07/2023 20:00

Or dessert even.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:02

No I’m not using any food as a reward but she didn’t want to eat her dinner as she just wanted the cake and ice cream which she had already been told she couldn’t have unless she finished her dinner.

she said she is hungry so I’ve said she could have something healthy to fill her up as she only ate the unhealthy items on her dinner.
her dinner was the correct size and balanced.
a slice of cake and ice cream ( whether she is overweight )after she had ate a balanced meal on a Sunday isn’t an issue. We don’t have desert everyday and she doesn’t have to finish her whole meal she has to eat the meat and veg

OP posts:

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 30/07/2023 20:02

YANBU and good for you for sticking to your guns!

Someone will definitely come along and tell you you’re unreasonable, that you shouldn’t use food as a punishment, you’re setting her up for a lifetime of food issues yadda yadda yadda but that’s a bunch of bullshit. You’ve taught her about natural consequences: if you’re too full to eat your meal then you’re too full for pudding. Absolutely nothing wrong with that!

You’ve not “singled her out”, she did that herself with her behaviour.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/07/2023 20:03

all the children have to eat it

This sounds horrible.

Original poster

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:03

tbh our 3 other children are his and he is always the soft one and I’m always the bad one 😂

OP posts:

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:04

Theeternalrocksbeneath · 30/07/2023 20:02

YANBU and good for you for sticking to your guns!

Someone will definitely come along and tell you you’re unreasonable, that you shouldn’t use food as a punishment, you’re setting her up for a lifetime of food issues yadda yadda yadda but that’s a bunch of bullshit. You’ve taught her about natural consequences: if you’re too full to eat your meal then you’re too full for pudding. Absolutely nothing wrong with that!

You’ve not “singled her out”, she did that herself with her behaviour.

This!

AuntieJune · 30/07/2023 20:08

Dessert with 2 S = sweet course
Desert with 1 S = sandy place

I think the issue is giving food you think is unsuitable for her. Ice cream and cake should be fairly rare and in a small portion. If she doesn't eat her dinner, she can have that but not enough to take the place of a dinner.

WeWereInParis · 30/07/2023 20:08

now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!

But you only said what he said?

But if he wanted to give dessert because he'd changed his mind, I wouldn't have said otherwise.

CaputDraconis · 30/07/2023 20:33

"I'm not using food as a reward" next sentence describes the conditions attached to receiving a specific food 🙄

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 20:35

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:02

No I’m not using any food as a reward but she didn’t want to eat her dinner as she just wanted the cake and ice cream which she had already been told she couldn’t have unless she finished her dinner.

she said she is hungry so I’ve said she could have something healthy to fill her up as she only ate the unhealthy items on her dinner.
her dinner was the correct size and balanced.
a slice of cake and ice cream ( whether she is overweight )after she had ate a balanced meal on a Sunday isn’t an issue. We don’t have desert everyday and she doesn’t have to finish her whole meal she has to eat the meat and veg

See that is using food as reward and punishment to me. It’s what my parents did and has given me lifelong issues around food.

gavisconismyfriend · 30/07/2023 20:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 20:39

I feel for this girl. You describe her as a big girl - and there are clearly major food issues when she comes to your house.

I had a mother like this - always focused on food and size. I battled bulimia for many years and the clean plate nonsense and big girls comments from my mother have been a big part of how that developed.

This isn’t your daughter. Leave the parenting to her dad. She will hold a lot of resentment towards you if you carry on commenting on her weight and eating.

that is a problem with blended families - not just two parents to mess you up. Extra people to talk about counsellors too!

HaPPy8 · 30/07/2023 20:40

What do you mean she only ate the unhealthy parts of the dinner? This all sounds messed up to be honest.

I would have saved the meal she didn’t eat and given it back to her reheated if she didn’t eat very much but it sounds like there are deeper issues here.

CaputDraconis · 30/07/2023 20:42

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 20:35

See that is using food as reward and punishment to me. It’s what my parents did and has given me lifelong issues around food.

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Same here ☹️

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:42

Well neither of my older teens are overweight or have disordered eating and no they didn't get a pudding if they didn't eat their veg. I never forced them to eat their food but if they left half of a roast I would have put it in the fridge for when they were hungry later. I wouldn't have given them cake and ice cream an hour later. Why would you not want your dc to eat healthy and get those nutrients in. But hey not eating your meal and only eating cake and ice cream, that's not disordered at all.. fgs

Scienceadvisory · 30/07/2023 20:44

Does your husband always make you out to be the bad guy? He sounds like a Disney dad. He was the one who said no pudding without eating dinner and as soon as his daughter kicks up a fuss he caves. It's pathetic.

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 20:46

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:42

Well neither of my older teens are overweight or have disordered eating and no they didn't get a pudding if they didn't eat their veg. I never forced them to eat their food but if they left half of a roast I would have put it in the fridge for when they were hungry later. I wouldn't have given them cake and ice cream an hour later. Why would you not want your dc to eat healthy and get those nutrients in. But hey not eating your meal and only eating cake and ice cream, that's not disordered at all.. fgs

Are you honestly boasting about your children not having potentially fatal mental health issues? That is disgusting.

Food and weight is such an emotive subject for some people and it sounds like a lot of emotion and pressure has been attached to food. All this good food and bad food.

OP I think your husband and his ex should have a grown up and informed discussion about this girls food issues. It sounds like meal times are fraught and that isn’t healthy for anyone.

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:49

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 20:46

Are you honestly boasting about your children not having potentially fatal mental health issues? That is disgusting.

Food and weight is such an emotive subject for some people and it sounds like a lot of emotion and pressure has been attached to food. All this good food and bad food.

OP I think your husband and his ex should have a grown up and informed discussion about this girls food issues. It sounds like meal times are fraught and that isn’t healthy for anyone.

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You're completely projecting your own issues on to this thread. I gave a reply that is balanced and shows that children who can't have pudding because they didn't eat their veg don't all grow up to have disordered eating.

It is disordered eating to eat cake and ice cream instead of your main meal and to think that's normal.

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 20:51

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:49

You're completely projecting your own issues on to this thread. I gave a reply that is balanced and shows that children who can't have pudding because they didn't eat their veg don't all grow up to have disordered eating.

It is disordered eating to eat cake and ice cream instead of your main meal and to think that's normal.

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You boasted about your slim children who don’t have eating disorders which speaks to your character. Awful.

Lira715 · 30/07/2023 20:52

ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 19:59

As an overweight woman, who has struggled with their weight their whole life, please never use food as a reward or a punishment.

You are using “cake and ice cream” as a reward, and “fruit or toast” as a punishment. This is bad.

You put her tea in front of her, she eats as much or as little as she wants … try to avoid “eating it all up” as something to be rewarded. You then have a dessert … and if she is struggling with weight why would that option be cake ?

I never thought of it like this .. like Op I say to my DD8 if she refuses to eat her healthy dinner then has to have healthy snacks if she’s hungry later .. if she eats her healthy dinner she can have what she wants for desert. She’s not overweight possibly a little under if anything so I do this so she eats healthier options rather than leave her veg or salad and fill up on cake. Should I change how I’m wording this .. to me she has a good understanding of foods .. I can give her a bag of haribos and she will eat 5/6 and stop. She doesn’t eat too much of anything .. I’d hate to think my good intentions may damage her thinking of food later in life she’s my first so have no experience in this.

Flounder2022 · 30/07/2023 20:52

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:42

Well neither of my older teens are overweight or have disordered eating and no they didn't get a pudding if they didn't eat their veg. I never forced them to eat their food but if they left half of a roast I would have put it in the fridge for when they were hungry later. I wouldn't have given them cake and ice cream an hour later. Why would you not want your dc to eat healthy and get those nutrients in. But hey not eating your meal and only eating cake and ice cream, that's not disordered at all.. fgs

See i don't get this. So if a person eats everything that's on the plate and they have room for dessert whey weren't they made eat more of the 'healthy' stuff instead? Why can't someone determine themselves they are full enough after half their roast?

Blueskysunflower · 30/07/2023 20:52

I’d make the cake and ice cream (for everyone) a small enough portion that it can’t replace dinner/fill her up and let her have it regardless of what else she eats. Then, when she’s still hungry refer her back to the available options (fruit, toast, leftover dinner). If the cake and ice cream is going to spoil her appetite or substitute for a main course then it’s much too large a portion.