Not to give desert…

[Mumof3premies]

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

You are creating issues around food for your own DC and your SD. Making anyone 'clear their plate' is disordered. Only allowing pudding when you've 'cleared your plate' is disordered.
You serve a meal, people eat as much as they like and then plates are cleared when everyone's finished. Pudding is offered to everyone. No drama, no frowning, no side eyes or tutting.
You're treating pudding as a 'treat'. There's nothing unhealthy about having pudding everyday as long as you have a balanced diet. You're creating issues over food rather than matter of factly stating 'here's dinner, come and eat'. Let the DC serve themselves and then there's limited waste and they are in charge of their own portions. No one ever died from not having two portions of veg everyday.
I was never made to eat everything, my children were never made to either. None of my family are even remotely over weight. I eat until I'm full and so do my children. Some days they ask for seconds, some days they hardly touch it. It's fine. They learn to self regulate but as soon as you 'restrict' certain foods or make them eat certain foods you're creating layers and layers of issues with food.

So if you’re still hungry why not have more dinner?

what if you don’t eat all your dinner to leave room for dessert? Is that ok?

Well me personally I would have more dinner. Im not a dessert person. I have a fat tooth. Or actually a salt tooth. I'd be having nuts or cheese or something like that as the ending of a meal

Other people like to balance their meal with something sweet.

This in my opinion is completely unreasonable and unrealistic if I let my children eat whatever they want they would eat chocolate crisps and snacks 24/7! I stand by my rules around food and tbh I don’t think it’s unfair to encourage her to eat food that I know she likes.

I mean put it this way, I cant allow the cat to self regulate, let alone small children! She would have a pouch every hour if I let her.

And dont get me started on the dog when he was alive. Humans are designed to eat and seek out calorie dense foods, children are no different (or some other animals given the opportunity)

I'm an adult and I won't finish my main if I want dessert. Why would I stuff myself just to eat more? I'd rather have less food for my main and dessert after.

Just serve her up a smaller portion/let her serve herself and stop using food as a reward/punishment and attaching conditions to it. You're going to give her an eating disorder

This all sounds too complicated to help anyone really

Indeed. It shows she cares for this child’s well-being and health more than her own parents seem to. Dad who just wants to be the fun one whatever the cost, Mum who feeds her complete junk and doesn’t care that it’s potentially damaging her growing body.

Please seek support for parenting as issues around food are very long lasting. You mentioned you have history. The teaching around food and food issues has changed quite a bit even in the past five years.

We were always advised never ever link food with reward. My partners children had exposure to eating disorders growing up.

You really aren’t getting my point. I didn’t give her a huge portion, she had one piece of bloody broccoli and 6 carrots to eat with a bit of bloody chicken if she wanted desert! Why the hell would I let her pick and choose what she wants to eat when she’s unhealthy and overweight and only eats crap at home????? Why would I encourage this more? Am I heck making her have an eating disorder!!! I don’t talk about her weight nor to I force her to eat everything on her plate I wanted her to eat the vegetables and some chicken so did her dad! Some people on her are absolutely vile if I’m being honest!
I know how to deal with situations and I really don’t feel I need a parenting course, if anything those of you that let your children have two bites of a meal ‘because they are full’ then they want desert straight after are the ones who need help! No wonder children these days have no manners, no boundaries and do what the bloody hell they want to do!

And indeed why are you serving "pudding" to begin with if you disapprove of it?

My mother was very strict about eating anything or snacking before dinner so as not to spoil my appetite. No biscuits! No crisps! You’ll ruin your appetite!
When I first moved out, I called her just before I knew she and my dad would be sitting down to eat and told her that I was snacking on crisps waiting for my food to come out of the oven. I’m ruining my appetite, ma! lol

YABU

I honestly would’ve be taking advice from all the posters on this thread who admit to have issues around their eating. They are suggesting it’s so awful and disordered to only give the option of the healthy nutritious dinner but it’s absolutely not a problem for a growing child to only eat dessert instead.
Yeahhh I’m not on that bandwagon.
Children will eat mostly rubbish all of the time if left to their own devices and it’s down to parents and carers to teach them a healthy balance.

You posted on a forum as to whether your behaviour is unreasonable or not. People tell you why you are unreasonable and then you get all ranty!! I feel sorry for the kids.

If she’s overweight she shouldn’t be having cake and ice cream. But it’s mean to let everyone else have it. On the days that she stays with you no one should be having unhealthy desserts.

she only ate the unhealthy items on her dinner

Why are you labelling air fryer potato’s as unhealthy? So odd.

Did you move out at the age of 2? Childish.

Because they still have a little oil with them just not roasted in the oven covered it in and they are more healthy than broccoli 🙃

I asked if I was being unreasonable to not give her desert after her dad said she wasn’t allowed it.

And no I’m not getting ratty it’s annoyed how I’m being told IM giving her an eating disorder when her mum feeds her fried food daily, not a fruit or vegetables in sight and can pick and pick whenever she wants, hence her being over weight and having such an unhealthy way of looking at food.
so yes we encourage fruit and vegetables and cake and ice cream is offered as a treat on a Sunday after dinner!
woth all these unrealistic responses I think I’ll actually stick to what I’m doing as I think some of these comments are ridiculous.
my point was more about standing by rules and not backing down more than the food but obviously this page can be ridiculous when it comes to food because of some of you being overweight and I’m trying to not encourage her to gain anymore weight in the best way I can! I love her the same as my children, if she hated me that much she wouldn’t want to live with us and always asks if I can be her mum 🤷🏼‍♀️ we have a routine, stability, rules and we eat healthy, surely this is good parenting 🤷🏼‍♀️

DSC never ate any vegetables, hardly touched their dinner, it was ‘dadddddyyyy, i’m fulllll’

Then two seconds later, ‘can I have a brownie?’

TBH, I just left them to it. I used to worry that our DC would copy them, but they never did. They are well the rest of the time, so understood to just carry on the same, regardless of what DSC were doing.

Not my circus, not my monkeys, etc.

In our house everyone has autonomy over what they do and don't eat. Dessert type foods (in our house generally yoghurt/custard) are given alongside their meal. There's no distinguishing between "good" and "bad" foods.

As an adult, no one would question it if I only ate half my dinner but still fancied dessert. I'm sure we all have days where we don't fancy eating vegetables. Sometimes I'll decide at the last minute that I want something different to what I had planned to make that day.

For reference, both my husband and I are very overweight, no control when it comes to food intake. DC are slim, athletic build and have great food control.

What I’ve tried to explain a million times, dsc only comes 3 times a week, the other 4 days her precious little body is plied with junk food and she can snack and gorge on food whenever she wants. We do have rules on food and we all follow them, she isn’t singled out she isn’t bullied and by no means am I encouraging an eating disorder by getting children to eat healthier and make better choices.

Don't do a dessert. We only ever have dessert if we eat out.

Saves a lot of hassle when they are younger. Dinner is dinner. Take it or leave it.