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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to give desert…

253 replies

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 19:55

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:53

I’ve been her step mum forb8 years she’s 9 and I definitely don’t comment on her weight in front of her or punish her for being overweight she gets treated exactly the same as the other children and by no means is there more to the story. My biological children would have been treated the exact same, tbh my eldest said she was to full and didn’t want desert so hers is saved for tomorrow along with my SD
my husband gets constant abuse whenever he sticks to what he says from her mum saying he’s treating her differently but he really isn’t at all and she was straight on the phone to her mum.
mom not having different rules so the kids that are here 24/7 think they can do whatever they want because she can
Her mum only feeds her fast food or fried foods so yes we try encourage healthy foods to us and our children. The desert was a treat after they ate their dinner but if she was too full to finish it she was too full for desert.
I haven’t made her starve and she has been saved the cake and ice cream for tomorrow after her dinner.
she’s quite happy now with some toast and fruit and she understands that there are rules.
I usually would have put her dinner in the fridge but she scraped her plate into the bin so this wasn’t an option.

OP posts:
Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:54

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 20:51

You boasted about your slim children who don’t have eating disorders which speaks to your character. Awful.

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Your making out that the OPs giving her sdd an eating disorder because of your own issues. That's awful!

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 20:54

Flounder2022 · 30/07/2023 20:52

See i don't get this. So if a person eats everything that's on the plate and they have room for dessert whey weren't they made eat more of the 'healthy' stuff instead? Why can't someone determine themselves they are full enough after half their roast?

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Nice response!

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:55

She ate the mash roasts and Yorkshire pudding, left the veg & meat

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 30/07/2023 20:55

jennyjones198080 · 30/07/2023 20:51

You boasted about your slim children who don’t have eating disorders which speaks to your character. Awful.

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No she didn't. And you are clearly projecting. She was reasonably pointing out that getting your kids to eat their vegetables (ones that you know they like) does not lead to eating disorders. Otherwise every kid on the planet would have an eating disorder.

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:57

Flounder2022 · 30/07/2023 20:52

See i don't get this. So if a person eats everything that's on the plate and they have room for dessert whey weren't they made eat more of the 'healthy' stuff instead? Why can't someone determine themselves they are full enough after half their roast?

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I suppose I knew my dc well (I don't need to do this now) and knew that if they didn't want to eat all their food they could do so later, but they couldn't skip the boring healthy food to eat cake and ice cream. They could have cake and ice cream but not if they didn't eat a reasonable portion of food I knew they liked, just not as much as they liked cake and ice cream. If they could have got away with only eating pudding they probably would have! Wouldn't you have done so as a child. I definitely would 😂

Mrsjayy · 30/07/2023 20:59

ExtraOnions · 30/07/2023 19:59

As an overweight woman, who has struggled with their weight their whole life, please never use food as a reward or a punishment.

You are using “cake and ice cream” as a reward, and “fruit or toast” as a punishment. This is bad.

You put her tea in front of her, she eats as much or as little as she wants … try to avoid “eating it all up” as something to be rewarded. You then have a dessert … and if she is struggling with weight why would that option be cake ?

This , never use food as leverage let her eat her dinner stop making it an issue and let her have pudding if it's on offer , she might be using food battle for attention take the fight out of it , say cab you Try some of your carrots you don't like them ok, and move on.

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 21:00

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 20:54

Your making out that the OPs giving her sdd an eating disorder because of your own issues. That's awful!

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To be fair, I think it is an issue that is common to a lot of women, in particular. Equating the size of someone with the type of food they eat is a very damaging thing to do. Either everyone gets dessert or no-one gets it and it shouldn’t be dependant on what you eat for your main course. This takes me right back to my childhood and me sitting there with cold food that I detested. It was awful. The tension around mealtimes, the parental arguments, feeling picked on and watched. Please, OP, don’t do that to your stepchild.

Scienceadvisory · 30/07/2023 21:00

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 20:54

Nice response!

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It's really not. It ignores everything we know about portion sizes, the amount of nutrients we need, and eating treats in moderation.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 21:00

If it's a dinner she has happily eaten before then YANBU, your DH has no leg to stand on sulking at you, he set the rule first he'd be a really shitty larent and husband to do this.

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 21:01

Scienceadvisory · 30/07/2023 21:00

It's really not. It ignores everything we know about portion sizes, the amount of nutrients we need, and eating treats in moderation.

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Maybe but bullying a child into eating food she doesn’t want isn’t going to help her further on in her life.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 21:01

We have her 3 days a week, I know what she likes and she doesn’t like. She had a portion the same as my 8 year old on a small child’s plate that was what she would usually eat. She just wanted the cake 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
bellac11 · 30/07/2023 21:01

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 20:35

See that is using food as reward and punishment to me. It’s what my parents did and has given me lifelong issues around food.

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Its not a reward or punishment, its simple consequences.

Eat your dinner and still hungry? Have your dessert

Cant eat your dinner because you're full up? No dessert.

Fairly simple

Mrsjayy · 30/07/2023 21:02

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:55

She ate the mash roasts and Yorkshire pudding, left the veg & meat

Honestly I know it's frustrating but try and not make it an issue give her less potatoes next meal see if that helps.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/07/2023 21:02

Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 20:55

She ate the mash roasts and Yorkshire pudding, left the veg & meat

Stop making both types of potatoes, it's not necessary or give her smaller portions of those.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 21:02

Bullying her???? For trying to encourage vegetables into her diet??? If she’s not going to eat healthy food she’s not having cake for after as she ‘was to full’

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 21:03

She wanted both types and only had one roast, I don’t cook them in oil I do them in the air fryer so they aren’t awful x

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 30/07/2023 21:03

Zepherine · 30/07/2023 21:01

Maybe but bullying a child into eating food she doesn’t want isn’t going to help her further on in her life.

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It's not bullying. It's natural consequences. If she is too full to eat any of the veg and meat of her dinner then she is too full to eat pudding. The child has previously eaten these foods so it's not like she is been made to eat something she hates. It would be poor parenting if all a child ever ate was carbs and pudding.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 21:04

Exactly! I’ll just let her eat whatever she wants 🙄😂

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/07/2023 21:04

Can you all wait until she's finished or don't mention pudding next time you have it and do dinner in stages I know everyone else is eating fine but I think she's found the buttons to press.

astarsheis · 30/07/2023 21:05

user64827771 · 30/07/2023 20:00

Or dessert even.

yep...I couldn't get passed it. Pedantic or what 🙄

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 21:05

Nobody sat and ate cake in front of her that would be awful 😢

OP posts:
Janieforever · 30/07/2023 21:06

I’m not comfortable with this either. This eat everything on your plate is a terrible message, children need to be taught to self regulate. There was nothing wrong with her eating half her dinner and then having a small dessert. In that you force her to over eat.

food should never be a battle.

and there is no reason to mention her weight, or your own kids. It’s irrelevant.

I find your behaviour round food controlling and discomforting.

Titicacacandle · 30/07/2023 21:06

MN is not the place to get a balanced response OP on anything food related.

You didn't do anything wrong. Your dh was wrong to say something and then not stick to it. That's crap parenting and he then made you out to be the bad guy. Again, crap parenting.

And yes she should have eaten some veg and protein if it's food she normally likes. Try sticking her food in the fridge and warming it back up if it happens again.

Original poster
Mumof3premies · 30/07/2023 21:07

She knows on a Sunday we have desert afterwards x

OP posts: