Not to give desert…

[Mumof3premies]

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

Oh no was that responding to me I just meant we all eat pudding together or would she still say she's had enough to get cake ?

Her weight is relevant, as is the extra information about her usual diet at home which may be why she is seeking out the higher carb foods and rejecting the protein and veg foods.

Op you are up against it and all you can do is have an agreement which does not waiver at home (with your husband)

As for people saying OP is controlling or bullying,,, really, getting a range of nutrients and different foods inside a child is called good parenting.

Me too. I have such disordered eating and can’t see ever recovering.

One thing is for sure, don't be the parent enforcing the rule. She can ask her father if she wants it. As far as you're concerned, it should be neutral.

As to whether children need to earn dessert by finishing dinner? I don't personally agree with it as a rule. In this house, we don't don't do it, but we only have dessert a couple of times a month anyway, definitely not part of a routine. But if dessert is only once a week, is it worth setting up so much conflict?

Incidentally, she does know what you think of her weight.

I wouldn’t be serving cake and ice cream anyway if she’s overweight. Just give up regular desserts as a family then there aren’t any arguments.

So I am ok to be a parent to her when I’m washing her clothes, cooking her meals and watching her while my husband is at work but I should treat her completely different to my own children when it comes to rules of the whole house?
surely that would be singling her out?

100% this

My thoughts exactly!

On a Sunday we have cake and ice cream, that’s the only desert we have as a family and always have done:
we try to eat healthy and have a balanced diet which can include treats.

Well my parents did the same and I grew up with a very healthy attitude towards food.
So we cancel each other out.

Once a week on a Sunday is fine. She will most likely outgrow any weight if she has a reasonably balanced diet and active enough lifestyle. Completely banning treats may lead to binge eating.

Also as I have said she is treated exactly the same as my children and I have never and would never mention her weight.
I was anorexic and bulimic for 7 years as a teenager and I understand consequences. I also understand how damaging eating disorders can be and I would never discuss her weight around her or treat her differently to anyone else in the house.
stop making out I’m bullying her because we have rules.

If the important parts of the meal for you are the meat and the veg then give less carbs. There were three different types of carbs on the plate which you felt were less important to eat than the meat and veg so next time make those the focus.

This reminds me of being a child.

My brother and I had to eat dinner at someone else's house as both my parents had to work late. My mum said to make sure we ate it all and thank the woman.

It was some sort of stew and looked like someone had shat on my plate. It tasted better than it looked but my brother refused to eat it. Later than night my mum let him have a yoghurt as he was starving. I was furious!

You ideally should have put her plate to one side and let her finish her dinner later. Or offered to do some more veg for her.

She won't eat the meal if she knows she will get bread and fruit.

But then surely I would be singling her out? We always have the same on a roast and she enjoys it.

Theres always a third way, my parents didnt use food as a punishment, no 'good or bad foods' all home cooked stuff up to the 80s really and I became massively overweight!!!

Apparently I ate half a chicken when I was 2 in a restaurant one time and my appeitite was always massive. Thats self regulation for you.

Just stop having dessert or at least cake and ice cream on the days she is there.
Make it a new family norm to have a good roast or whatever and then a walk.

I don't think you're being unreasonable really if that's the rule in your house.

That being said the no dessert if you don't eat all your dinner rule is not something I would ever enforce. It doesn't make sense to me as the reason people eat cake is not hunger anyway. If your kid was hungry most people wouldn't say here have some cake.

I understand lots of people have that rule though.

For information, anyone wanting to post a thread about a stepchild, entirely omit the ‘step’ aspect…

This is because it emits a high-pitched beacon only audible to all the mad posters whose ex partners/husbands now have new partners/wives, who will in turn flock and post endless twaddle about you being an evil stepmother and the like.

I know yea, like I have no say in her life when I have been there for most of it. I take her out on her own I spend more time one on one with her than my own children sometimes 😂

Surely that reinforces that cake is a treat and something special rather than just part of the wider part of your 'sunday dinner'?

I don't actually think there's anything wrong with thinking oh cake is a bit of a treat. I think it's weird to say it's a treat because you managed to force down the other food that you didn't really want.

If dessert is only a once a week thing it just isn't something I would enforce. Making Sunday dinner into a battlefield just sounds like hell to me though! 🤣

The way you describe her makes me feel like there's some other emotions at work here.

The principles of using food as reward/punishment, how to describe someone, may be valid discussion points - but they're not for this thread.

The essence of this thread is that the girl's own father (unprompted by the sound of it) told her that if she didn't eat her dinner she couldn't have pudding, or even anything else tonight. When she asked for dessert OP, supporting her husband, reiterated that she couldn't have any. Imagine if the OP had said yes, she could? She'd have had her arse handed to her for undermining her father (possibly by him). So she backed him up, and now he's making her the bad guy.

The DD immediately rang her mother which presumably is why he's done an about face. But that is entirely down to him. OP in cases like this, don't make a decision. Tell her she has to ask her dad. He'll probably give in to her, but at least he can't make you out to be the baddie. So will the PPs tearing the OP apart please recognise that the problem tonight is with the father, not OP.

If you're worried about her weight then it could be an option to reduce the portion for everyone, I wasn't thinking of you singling her out. If she normally eats it all then maybe she didn't fancy it that day? In which case if it's a one off I'd probably have let her off with it. My daughter loves tuna pasta salad but barely ate half of it the other day she just wasn't enjoying it. I put it in the fridge in case she wanted it later but she was welcome to choose something else/something for dessert.

My twins choose their own dessert and because biscuits/cakes are rarely denied they don't care that much about them. They don't see dessert as a reward it's just an after dinner snack.