Not to give desert…

[Mumof3premies]

So my step daughter is a complete nightmare with eating anything healthy or remotely good for her.
Every Wednesday and weekend she comes we have dinner, we all sit and the table and eat together.
I always add two portions of veg and some meat on the meal whether it’s a roast dinner or curry, chilli etc there’s always veg and all the children have to eat it (I only ever put on veg I know they will eat and I don’t overload the plates with it.
So tonight as usual we had the usual drama that she didn’t want it my step daughter pulls the worst faces and she refused to eat the veg and meat stating she was so full she couldn’t eat another bite….
shes quite a large girl, she’s 10, is in 13-14 clothing and eats until it comes out of her ears she couldn’t have been full as 10 minutes before she ‘was starving’
we had a roast dinner we have it all the time and she likes it but today just didn’t want it.
my husband said if she didn’t eat any more because she was so full that she couldn’t have desert and nothing else tonight as we can’t afford to just throw food away…
so an hour later she’s kicking off because she wants desert so I said no as her dad already told her and she could have a piece of fruit or slice of toast but she wasn’t having cake and ice cream as she didn’t eat her dinner.
now my husbands in a mood with me because apparently I’ve singled her out!
mom so annoyed as I was sticking to what he said!

Absolutely.

I dont know who the 'we' are that a PP refers to, is there some group responses then?

Lots of posters felt that she should have the opportunity to serve herself from the table rather than OP dish up a balanced meal. Consequently she has not taken a balanced meal at the table.

Lots of posters felt she shouldnt have her food restricted, consequently she is asking for cake, crisps and now noodles (all high carbs) after dinner.

Ah yes the many posters with first hand experience of disordered eating and knowledge of psychology "don't have a clue".

But the posters suggesting parenting methods from the 70s despite science evolving and educating us about a better way are correct?

Struggling to get your logic here.

Op you did not do as suggested what you did was sabotage the evening for your own benefit.

Posters who have disagreed with you suggested your evening go as follows

Let the child serve themselves

Allow the planned dessert as it is part of the healthy balanced meal
(Here you changed the dessert on offer which no one has advised)

If still hungry re offer the uneaten dinner.
(And here you have into a child demands which isn't what people suggested)

You don't treat children the same as you treat children with disordered eating and say that's being modern or whatever. That's like saying some dc with autism are given screens to help them even in schools, so let your NT dc have screen time all the time because hey that's what we all do now! Let them self regulate!

No hold on a second there are multiple comments on this thread saying
put a balanced meal on the table and let her choose what she wants to eat, which I did.
she chose exactly what she wanted to eat and it was the unhealthy options of the meal, she chose her portion size and then chose what she wanted for desert.
the food was put on the table to serve herself and then was cleaned away
she was then hungry again so had something else!!
I haven’t ignored advice but I will be going back to what I was doing in the first place as some suggestions on this post are ridiculous and it’s not 70s traditions it’s raising a generation of brats who do what they want when they want!!!

Sorry DESSERT!

OP: posts on AIBU
Also OP: I am not BU, I am right and everyone saying different is wrong and I don't actually want to change anything or get advice

😂😂😂

Surely if dinner + dessert = sufficient food for the meal, then really, what does it matter how much she eats of each element - as long as its clear there isn't anything else afterwards.

By telling her she HAS to eat all of A before she can have B, you're teaching her to over-eat beyond satiation to get to the bit she likes most. That isn't healthy in the slightest, it teaches kids to ignore the feelings of fullness, and that desserts are more desirable than anything else.

If eating half her dinner and all her dessert is WORSE for her than eating ALL her dinner + dessert ... theres a problem there that is related to the quantities and items you're serving, so alter that.

Try making dessert NOT conditional on eating all of whatever, but ensure there is no other option (assuming you're serving food she actually likes, I don't think leaving kids to go hungry to force them to eat things they hate is useful or fair) - see if things don't change dramatically after a few weeks of that (initially, do expect her to test this out of course! No behaviour change has instant results!).

If you honestly thought that was the advice people were giving, then maybe reread the thread. If you were conducting some kind of weird experiment in an attempt to prove a point, then I think that's an odd thing to do and you've proved the sum total of nothing. You can hardly expect a child who has been living in two houses with entirely different rules (and a mother who sounds downright neglectful and borderline sociopathic) to immediately display perfect healthy eating habits. But give her a chance to develop them by offering healthy meals, allowing her some autonomy, and not making the table a battleground of rewards and punishments. It won't happen overnight but it can happen.

I think it's fair enough to give her the cake, since you promised she could have it today. But in the future if everyone else is having fruit and yoghurt, then she could have that too. The point isn't that you allow her all the sugar she wants. But sugar shouldn't be seen as evil or as a reward for forcing herself to eat vegetables she doesn't want.

You said everything I wanted to say. I don't understand why people/schools etc persist with this bizarre 'dessert is a reward for eating vegetables' thing.

That’s so many millions of miles from what anyone said!

No one said “give her cake if that’s not on the menu for tonight”. They said let her have the pudding the family is having.

No one said let her come back for noodles if she still isn’t full. That’s ridiculous.

Putting everything on the table is a good idea and if you’d stuck to that and the planned pudding, not gone massively off piste and given cake and noodles, it would soon start working.

@Mumof3premies your 'attempts' tonight sound pretty disingenuous and most likely designed only to prove yourself right. I'm sure even you realise changes won't be made in one meal. But it's clear you have no desire for things to actually change, it's more important to be right.

We give up Gertie - who does have cake or similar in all the time?

Not the OP, as she's stated more than once that this is a Sunday thing.

Kinda close though

The majority doesn't always mean right. Have you not seen the British publics' voting track record? 😂

Poor OP is obviously exasperated at her DSD doing what we all (including OP) know that virtually all kids will do, if given the free choice. But she obviously can't win ('win' here meaning to help her DSD), as she will be criticised whether she takes charge and stands up to be the adult OR whether she lets her DSD do whatever she likes.

Even if OP plans carefully and allows for the whole meal (100%) to consist of 85% main meal (which she knows that her DSD likes) + 15% dessert (which she also knows that her DSD likes), we all know what most kids will do in the real world. Even if she has room for the whole meal - consisting of both carefully-planned courses - she's still going to focus on her favourite part and impatiently overlook her less favourite (but still liked) part, in order to get to her favourite part first.

Given her immature age and concomitant childish logic, it's surely not beyond (adult) people's (mature) expectations to know all along that DSD will reckon that, if she initially claims to be full up in order to skip straight to the dessert, she might then get away with later spilling the (to an adult unsurprising) beans that she still isn't in fact hungry, in the clear hope that she might end up being offered another portion of dessert.

I gave the cake as it was promised yesterday.
we always clear up Straight after dinner as it’s part of our routine and as I’ve previously said I need to stick to it for my own sanity with 4 children at home.
I haven’t misled what was said, I am not naive, I’m also not stupid. I have read and replied to most comments on this post some have actually had me in tears so thanks. Considering 19% of you think I am wrong and 81% believe my approach is correct I am going to return to my old ways. The only thing I’m going to change is to let her choose how much she would like to eat of the meal I am preparing. She is allowed to choose how much she would like of each item but I would like her to eat what is on her plate that she’s chosen. I am also only going to do fruit puddings which she can have if she eats what she has chosen.

I have 2 kids. One can be trusted. He will eat what's in front of him, if he says he doesn't like it, then he doesn't like it. He can always be offered pudding because he'll similarly skip that if he doesn't fancy it.

The other one I have to be strict with, he will absolutely skip eating dinner and fill up on pudding given half a chance. He decides on a whim if he'll eat something that we both know he likes, and flat refuse to try something if he's decided he won't like it (even if he eats the exact same thing in another form - eg. chips vs. roast potatoes)

As a result, we have rules now around food, which first child doesn't need, but doesn't mind, and second rails against, but it's that or massive food waste and filling up on junk.

No one said put unlimited crisps and cake on the table and cross your fingers and hope she might eat some cauliflower rice!

Serve largely healthy food. This could include a small portion of nachos, or a small slice of cake. Don't punish her if she doesn't eat exactly what you want (by giving everyone except her a slice of cake) but that's not the same as making a whole other meal. Obviously.

Your OP was worded unkindly (especially to those of use who grew up with unkind step parents, who often used food as a power trip). It very much sounded like the disgusting, fat step daughter, who gorges until the food "comes out of her ears" was sat in her room crying whilst the rest of the family gleefully ate her favourite cake and ice cream.

Struggling to find the post that said after serving family style and allowing help yourself and eat what you like, serve pudding then make an entirely different meal such as noodles, on request. But it’s clear you’re one of those OPs.

That wasn’t how it was worded at all and that definitely isn’t the situation that was explained or happened!! Like I previously said she had some fruit and then had the cake the next day! I never once described her as disgusting or fat either!!!

It was made a few times stating let her eat what she liked and how much she liked! As I said I will be sticking to my rules and encouraging healthy meals.

I also didn’t plate a huge bowl of crisps they are nachos and yes this is part of the meal as they were her favourite!